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Believe in the Mistletoe.

“Oh my, God!  I went two whole days without calling him, texting him, snap chatting him, nothing,” I excitedly tell my BFF while we are shopping.  This is a big accomplishment for me considering I always share every single thought with him that’s ever on my mind and I don’t hold back.  Why does this boy have to be hundreds of miles away from me?  I shouldn’t have to do all this to be with someone, but for him, I would.

“You’re lying.  See I told you to stop contacting him for a while a long time ago.  He might message you if you don’t contact him,” she laughs.

Doubtful.  I went two weeks cold turkey a while back without saying anything to him and he still didn’t message me back.  She says I need to wait longer.  If I hadn’t messaged him he’d be trying to really talk to some other girl.  He’s going to miss me I told him before I know he must miss me for calling me that one night a few weeks ago and sending me a cute pic, too.  That’s a lot coming from him after he didn’t respond to me for a long time.  I know he misses me I wish he would tell me his real feelings.

“I swear on everything I haven’t sent him anything in the past few days.  I used to blast his phone morning, noon, and night, then it went down to three messages at night, then to one message, now none at all.  I really wish he would meet me because I want to ask him in person what was the look on his face every time I would send him these 40 fantasy texts a day, 20 calls a day,” I giggle.  I know this is not exactly funny right now, but hopefully in the future when we are together we can laugh at these bad times for us.  This question would only work in person.  I want to see the expression he makes.

“He was probably like: ‘This girl is really crazy.  Where did she go?  She hasn’t messaged me all day.  I know it’s not over. She’s going to pop up soon,'” my BFF imitates what she thinks he’s thinking.

I can’t stop laughing.

“I really want to know what his friends think if he’s with them when I message him.  I have a feeling he’s going to message me on Christmas.  He’s got to.  He’s gonna see a mistletoe and wish I was there underneath it to kiss me,” I dream.

“Aw.  Christmas, you really think so?  He will message you then.  His friends are probably like who is that texting/calling your phone all the time?  I sometimes turn my phone on silent so they might not hear it ringing,” she says.

“I don’t know, every time I have a master plan it never works the way I want.  I’m hoping if I completely stop contacting him until he says something on Christmas, hopefully he will.  He’s got to wish me a happy Christmas!  He wished me a happy birthday back in February,” I cross my fingers.

“Not Thanksgiving?”

“No, that’s too soon from everything.  I have to wait longer than that.  He’ll be spending it with his family I bet,” I predict.

“He can still message you, though,” she nods.

“Yeah, I know, but I’m not going to expect it on Thanksgiving,” I sigh.

My Doom

I was so bored and distracted today that I decided to organize all my short stories into the right category and added new links to the menu.  I just thought of five more book ideas for writing about my lost love.  What’s it gotta take to persuade someone to do a long distance relationship?  How many books do I have to write to reach that person?  My short stories used to affect him with ease and now they don’t phase him anymore.  It’s like he blocked out my words, our love.  If I can’t reach him through short stories anymore I don’t know why I think a novel would do the trick.

I’ve wrapped myself in this black hole with him I’m never going to get out of.  I mean, with always coming up with book ideas surrounding him, I’m truly never going to get out of it.  I have to know what it’s like to kiss him and touch him.  He can’t leave us like this never knowing what could have been.  All I have ever wanted in life was to know what it would be like to kiss and even be with someone I thought I could never, ever have.  It must be amazing for people to be married to the persons of their dreams.  I don’t have that kind of luck.

I made a true promise to myself and I’m going to stick to my self promise: to marry the man who is deeply affected by my writing about our romance.  Writing is a big part of me and if someone isn’t interested in my writings then that person isn’t for me.  There have been men to try to date me but they don’t really talk about and or do read/write and that’s subjects I talk about a lot so if it bores them, it’s definitely not going to work.  I mean, he used to be interested when he was really into checking my blog for updates.  Now, I don’t even know if he goes here anymore.  I have a feeling he doesn’t go to my page anymore.  It wasn’t just a story to him at the time.  It meant something to him in the past and there has ever only been one person to be so enchanted with my stories in such a way where it even blew my own mind how I could reach someone like that.

I feel like if he and I met in person, I know we would both have a great time and we can finally relax together stress free.

True Crime Extended Cover Progress

I showed my best friend today my cover for extensive True Crime book.  She loves my cover designs.  I told her it’s because I have a great inspiration.  I’ve had a couple of ideas in my head but decided to stick to the one I’ve got.  She said it was so cute what I had on there.  I won’t say what I have on the cover, but it is something heartbreaking and cute.  I also talk about revenge on it.  Normally, I try not to go out of my way to seek revenge, but this is RIDICULOUS how NOTHING ever happens to people who do me dirty and they ALL mostly get to move on with their lives without thinking back about what they did.  So my revenge is telling my story about what they did to me and how I cope with it, and to hopefully make a few bucks in the process.  After all, a former friend DOES owe me $300+ and this can be her way of paying me back: a public shaming.  I am crossing my fingers for my story to go viral so Tara and Rachel can’t ignore what they did to me any longer acting like it was no big deal, moving on with their PATHETIC lives leaving me with no apology, no nothing.

How is Tara going to call me up for a favor, says no one else is willing to give her the money (I think to myself I wonder why, but I give her the benefit of the doubt), she stops calling me, and doesn’t ask me to hang out anymore after I let her borrow my money.  This is a different former “friend” than Rachel.  Her name is Tara.  Ironic how Tara and Rachel still keep in touch, though.  Rachel hardly ever defends me from anyone.  She doesn’t say to Tara, “So when are you going to pay Jessica back her money?  You did borrow $400 and she doesn’t want your bed, she wants her money back.”  They hang out with each other acting like nothing happened with me.

Rachel’s ever only defended me TWICE from people and those were two times I expected her to say something to those guys making up crap about me.  Other than that, I can’t recall.  She shouldn’t have called herself a great friend of mine if she’s not willing to do what a BEST FRIEND should.

I never ask my friends for money.  I don’t know why they always ask me for money, at least the ones I used to hang out with.

Dealing with Trolls

Francesca:

Tell ‘em, OM.  Lol, you did it once again. Reminds me of my experience with a troll calling my father, and one of the trolls was someone I knew in real life. She told on me to my father and we’re both 28-years-old, like he’s not going to ground me for telling it like it is to her. Oh well, she’s getting her Karma and I’m getting my revenge by writing about what she did in my True Crime book.

Originally posted on HarsH ReaLiTy:

Two words get thrown around a ton on the internet and in real life these days. “Trolls” and “bullying” two things of which I have had my fair share of experience with. Often bloggers will preach to ignore them and they will go away. Or… you could use them as cannon fodder and blast their ignorance out into the internet. That sounds like a lot more fun to me.

I use blogger attacks on my website and on me personally as post ideas. It is amusing to me and I get a real kick out of it. Is it sometimes mean? Maybe, but I have never blogged about another blogger that didn’t draw first. And honestly they generally do it a ton of times such as my current troll that keeps churning out posts about me.

People may not get this but a bully and a troll do not have…

View original 386 more words

Appreciating all the thoughts on my “Wall of Shame” idea, thanks OM, and others

So many people couldn’t care less how they present themselves, they still feel the need to say rude things to me anyway thinking there are no real consequences.  I’m glad many viewers, OM, and others are happy they are not on my Wall of Shame and intend to not be on it.  It’s like this one lady is just begging to be on it.  She used to follow me around on the forums, posting after me calling me a “whiny little girl who makes everything about herself.”  Then she kept saying condescending comments to anyone I was having a decent conversation with interjecting herself and saying something crass about me.  It’s like she doesn’t care I have a Wall of Shame.  She still does and says what she does, and even went so far as to review my first free published thing when she has no rights to when she would always complain about me talking about bullies so you know she’ll have a biased opinion of it.  And I also dislike that person saying I can’t handle criticism.  I thought I made myself very clear, why do people still continue to misinterpret my words?  I’m glad it’s not a lot of people, only a few trouble makers.  I can handle criticism just fine.  What I DON’T tolerate is people reporting my comments and getting my responses deleted then downvoting my comments and up voting their own comments on many spam accounts.  If you can’t handle the consequences for having an attitude, then think before you type/speak.

There’s a fine line between telling it like it is, and simply harassing someone.  She has gone beyond, “Telling it like it is.”  I hope she knows how lucky she is that I’m not going to put her name on there, but I do put her words and she knows what she says.  I mean how many times do I have to tell someone if they don’t like me and/or my writing I don’t care?  Keep your damn thoughts to yourself!  I also said I don’t really care if anyone listens to her gossip!  Congrats if she has people listening to her about me, not like I went out of my way to befriend those people.  She can help me weed out the fake people who are easily influenced by her words instead of checking things out for themselves on what really happened.

If you’re not going to let me speak on the forums under my own pen name, you aren’t allowed the same respect.  Now you know how it feels to be reported every three seconds and not being able to say anything.  You know perfectly well why your comments get deleted.

Mission Impossible

Me:  I’m writing an extended novel attempting to reform the bad people of this earth, think I can do it?

Friend:  Sure you can!

Me:  I don’t know.  I wrote a short story collection called, The Phantom Menace: No Name No Face, and while I got almost 200 downloads from that and new readers, some one star review troll still trolled it, ignoring everything in the content that I wrote pointing out people’s terrible behaviors, calling my book “too short from a troubled soul.”  I asked the dumb ass would he have given my book five stars if I actually wrote it longer or still one starred it, anyway?  Of course, no response, just down voting my comment and getting my response deleted.  Maybe I have to write a longer story then since bullies can’t take a hint in my short stories which I thought were well-written with an underlying message.  I wouldn’t have published my short story collection had I thought it was incomplete!  It was well worth the 99 cents, but I ended up making it free on Smash Words.  I’m super thankful that most people who read my things do agree with me on how others act.  It’s only a handful of people who are incredible trouble makers.

I feel like I just got the wind knocked out of me typing this blurb to the extended novel.  Oh my, I amaze myself.  It feels good putting my real anger into stories.  This is my vengeance on those who betrayed me and got away with it (no, not talking about my lover from far away — I think he and I are in enough pain not being able to be together so easily).  I’m talking about my former friends and any person from online who has harassed me for no good reason who is still talking crap about me to this day.

I repeatedly told these stupid people to not mess with me, to stop reporting my account on Amazon, to stop harassing me, and they did not want to listen.  I think they thought I was kidding?  #reapwhatyousow

I saw a post on the forums saying people shouldn’t write books to call out people, but in my case, I think it works for me.  It depends on how you do it for it to work.

January 05, 2014 – We’ll live on in my stories.

On January 05, 2014, my greatest story idea was born.  I guess my LDR’s purpose was to give me an idea.  I have been looking for my big break though on my first novel and I found it when I “met” him that night.  I don’t know if we were ever meant for anything to happen in real life.  It would have been nice if we worked at the same time as I am writing my story.  I don’t know why, but I get jealous whenever I think of his past and who he met before me, why did they turn him down?  He’s so nice, sweet, not to mention hot, like wtf were those girls’ problems before me?  I would have dated him in a heart beat had I lived closer to him and I would have kept him.  Then again, all those heart aches he and I had before we met each other had to happen so he and I could meet when we did.  Had one thing gone out of line, he and I would have never met.

As much as everyone who understands me and him would like us together, it’s just not going to happen and I’m done waiting.  I’m done dealing with finding a stable relationship.  There’s obviously not anyone for me because I give my loyalty 100% and I get 0% in return.  I’m the best girlfriend I can ever be, and distance, time, money, were the only issues…well biggest of all: lack of faith.  I could have given him everything he has ever dreamed of with someone, and more.

Oh well, I guess I’m too good to be with anyone since no one would do the things for me that I would do for him.  I’m sick of putting 300% in and getting -1000000% back.

Having Hope

I know people are very much looking out for my well being that I should not hang onto my LDR, but I don’t know how I can forget a person when all my stories I write are about us.  Even if we aren’t talking, I will still be writing about him since that is what my story is about: our long distance adventures.  I don’t know.  I hope this book I write to him will bring us closer together.  I just can’t imagine myself with anyone else.

I used to like this one in town guy a lot, and when I say a lot, I mean a lot, not as much as my long distance interest, though.  However, I knew sooner or later something was going to come up and things not work out.  It took me a long while to get over this guy, Brian.  He is a twin but he and his brother look nothing alike.  I thought wow, a nice, sweet, hot guy finally likes me and is finally available and is finally not a douche.  I thought most of the hot guys I ran into were douche bags and was like there is no way this hot guy is single, available, and for me.  Something is going to happen.  I was right.  When we were about to meet once Brian got back from college, he kept flaking out and then finally told me why.  I was disappointed.  For months and months I dreamed of him a lot.  I don’t know when I got over him, but I did.  I thought I was never going to get over him.

I talked to two more townies after that before I just gave up on townies all together because they play too much for distance not being an issue.  I hate how townies mislead me for months acting like something is going to happen then it doesn’t even though they can easily see me.

When I finally met The One for me, I tried to think of him like I thought of Brian, but I just keep thinking to myself, “I can’t imagine myself with anyone else.”  And I’ve attempted to talk to different people so I know what I have when I have it.  I have told my LDR before he is not helping anything when I’m the only one trying for us.  If he wants me then he needs to make this work, too, not just me.

Pick and Choose

Usually, I don’t let bullies bully me off a forum, not even if they’re reporting every post I make.  However, if I wanted to post at Amazon KDP forum without them reporting every damn post I make, I had to make a new forum name.  It was just a waste of my time trying to give helpful advice to actual forum users who aren’t there to get snarky and demean posters when these morons would constantly report my good writing and blogging advices on the name they know me as.  I’ve seen a couple of new posters sign up with their accounts there at the same time as my new account.  I’m not going to say which one is me because any one of those new accounts could be me and it’s been nice posting in peace at last.  Unfortunately, I had to say for the sake of my sanity, it was a waste of my time trying to let some of them know I’m not leaving the forum.

I’m not letting them fuckers think they can see the last of me on there.  What gets on my last nerves about some of these posters is that they claim to follow forum rules.  They certainly don’t.  Reporting people’s posts whether it’s on topic or not is not following forum rules.  The report abuse button is used to report hostile posts, not useful writing information.  Cyber bullying people they don’t like off the forum is NOT following forum rules.  How can some of them sit there and say they follow forum rules when they know deep down they don’t?

Sometimes they’ll have attitudes speaking with posters.  I can only count less than a handful of professional posters who have never gotten themselves involved in the drama and actually ignore it all.  And it is certainly not the obnoxious posters who think they are “helpful” and “nice.”

Self Pity

I really have issues with people who think they can call me a “whiny little girl” when they see me wallow in my self pity.  I have every right to be in it and if they don’t like it they can read something else.  Just because it works for some people to ignore the wrongs people do, doesn’t mean I’m going to act like that.  I’m not going to pretend something isn’t bothering me when it is.  I’m barely having a writing career and already people are harassing me as if I was a big name author.  I’m not going to tolerate this crap, period.  The only reason sometimes I feel certain people tell me to ignore things is because they can still continue to do and say bad things about me and since I won’t be defending myself from it, people will listen to them more when I have nothing to say about it.  I don’t change myself to be out of my misery because it works for me, and it actually enhances my writing.  I’ve stopped caring a long time ago what people thought about me, especially who don’t wish to be my actual reader or real friends on top of that so it’s like why bother to change my outlook on life when they don’t understand me to begin with?

I used to ask some people what can I do to stop responding to the negativity?  The negative people harassed me enough to the point where I don’t care what they have to say even if it might be “helpful.”  They said it in rude, condescending ways and I don’t listen to people when they talk to me like that, especially.  Point taken, Lol!  I’m not how they say I am anyway so I don’t listen to it.

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