Copyright © 2014, Jessica Frances
All rights reserved.
***This is a series I have been working on for the past three months and this is the beginning.
Edit: I’ve decided to make this all free.
A Restless Pursuit (An Open Letter)
January 07, 2014
To whom it may concern:
How do you live in a town where you can barely trust a select few people around? How can you try to start a life with some Mr. Unknown X here when all the men you seem to run into just want a quickie and not a real relationship, or they have a secret they are hiding? It is over before it begins. I will cut some slack: at least they revealed the secret before anything happened. Is making love dead and nothing but casual encounters are alive? In my area that is what it seems like. I could be wrong and just have not met the proper gentleman of this area in a sea of improper. I know I have some good friends I occasionally hang out with who are interested in me, but I prefer not to date my few friends that I have around here for obvious reasons. The one proper gentleman I do meet from the same town not from my circle of friends, I am screwing it up badly because I cannot get a lost universe out of my mind no matter how hard I try.
Whenever something does not work out with someone and I try to hold on to the last few hopes, I get called crazy. The only thing crazy about me is that I would still want to give someone chances that mislead me for eight months hoping a townie would turn around. That is almost a year of my life I could have spent trying to be with someone who does not play games like that. Eight months is a long time to mislead someone, agree? I felt dumb for being fooled. I gave people the benefit of the doubt. I will not stand to be called names when it was the men of my town who fooled me and they act like I should not be upset. They should worry when I feel they are not worth it and I say nothing. No matter, I am accepting of how things went because it led me to someone I adore who will not do this to me.
Those who did not portray themselves to be the monogamous relationship type, find their forever persons before you. Your two exes [if you can barely call them that by being with them for only two to three months] are married, have families and children before you. How does that make you feel when you have done all that you can and you still get shafted? This is why I do not care to compare my life to the pace of others. My life is my life. I will keep living for me and my support. No need to rush because when it happens for me, it will be with the right person. That does not mean love should take its sweet time in happening. I have to have a starting point to get to where “we” ultimately want to be. I did not find my better half in high school nor did I find him in college.
I always wanted to play the cards in person, but I decided if it has not happened by now in person, then it is not going to happen later. I have given it since I was fifteen waiting for someone to whisk me away on exciting adventures. Finally, when I meet a townie who seems like he would treat me well, it is a little too late.
My heart is already taken by a young man in a state down south eight hours away from Small Town Northern, Indiana that I call Small Town, Mountain Land. All I have ever been is kind and quiet my entire life. I have kept to myself and few friends. Still, I somehow manage to be the hot topic to some drama queens who I have no idea who they are and could not care less what they say to the people who do not know any better than to listen to their gossip.
I am unsure why people are the way they are to me for I always minded my own business; people kept making up things about me for no reason. I stood up for ex-friends, treated them with respect but they did not give me the same in return. Is it some quality I have that they know they can never possess as to why they only treat me and not others the way they did? Perhaps, they lack conscience they know they will never grow. I stopped trying to understand unruly behaviors and now surround myself with cheerful people who know how to truly respect others.
The first question besides asking what my name is now, most people say next, “Do you have a boyfriend?” That is the next thing on nearly everyone’s mind: man or woman to ask me, not kidding. And when I say, “No,” they answer, “Why does a beautiful lady like you not have a boyfriend?” It felt as though it was pouring more salt in the wounds. I kid you not a complete middle aged woman stranger I met at one of the catering events that I helped host, she and her husband asked me this then suggested she could hook me up with one of her sons about my age. I appreciate the kind gestures but I want to play my own matchmaker. I just had not found the right person yet and I will not settle for anything less than the right person.
One would think people would be more intrigued by the million and one hobbies I have which are not necessarily related to each other. I certainly do not hold much money myself and am not a millionaire to do such travels yet, I was still able to fulfill my dreams of traveling around-the-world by my own accord – well with the help of being a discovered professional table tennis player, street basketball player, music talent, Web designer, videographer and professional photographer. Not to mention Miss Humanitarian saved all the abused dogs from the dog bait fighters that she could find in her area.
I saw an animal abuse article took place in Baltimore about a seven-month-old Jack Russell terrier strangled to death. I lost it when the owner got away with it and his reasons why he did it. I am tired of sitting around not being able to do anything about these horrible subhuman beings. It takes a special kind of brain one has to watch the life get sucked out of a poor puppy’s eyes caused by one’s own hands, up close and personal. I could not take it anymore so I started a campaign to save the animals from the wrong hands. If Mr. Dog Murderer strangled a dog to death because he was tired of cleaning up after it, I shudder to think what he would do to an innocent human baby who poops. That man should be exiled from any kind of contact. Has it ever occurred to him he could have taken the puppy back to an animal shelter and not be labeled a monster?
What people forget is that dogs are the most loyal creatures: they do as they are told (most times). It does not have to do with a dog being a certain breed saying X breed is vicious. I roll my eyes if people think a one-month-old pit bull barely born into this world is scary just because it is a pit bull. I cannot stand people will deny pit bulls just because of a stereotype. Why do I have all these hobbies? That is how I survive in this place. Plus, these kinds of causes need my dedication to them. Ask anyone who knows me when I am really dedicated to something, I am really dedicated. Without my hobbies I do not know where I would be. At least they keep me productive. You know that old saying that you have found the right person when he brings out the best in you.
These accomplishments did not happen overnight. I worked, and worked, hard, the hardest I have ever worked in my entire life for those dreams to come true. There is only one dream which has not come true for me. I have doomed myself for the rest of my life by waiting for someone. My whole being is taken by this individual regardless if we are not actually together. I feel simply wrong when other men who are not him would try to pursue me and I reject them.
Throughout the day, I think I am okay with not getting a chance to meet him. I will be going about my daily activities, thinking of “nothing.” I will be hanging out with my friends, enjoying life, thinking of seemingly “nothing.” It is only at night, when I come home from work to my own room, to no family of my own, when I go to sleep at night, is when it really gets to me. When unwanted men continuously pursue me, I wish my one was here to let them know to back off his lady. I wish my one was here to tuck me in at night when I am not feeling well or that we could cuddle and watch a movie together. This is a story, a story of my experience with a long distance pursuit. I keep thinking of what our first kiss would be like because I know if we wait, it will be the grandest thing to happen to both of us.
I know it does not seem like it right now, but I am sure I will get over it. Maybe if I keep telling myself I just dreamed this person up it never actually happened. There is no man and there is no woman from far away who cannot hang out. It’s just all in my head I made up. I have gotten over one other person who I never thought I’d get over, and I will forget about this one, too.
We both found each other when no one else found us. Now more people are popping up out of nowhere fucking us up! Where the hell were these people before we “met” each other? Why did I ever think this would work out? Oh yeah, because love is blind and you just want to think the best of someone you need to breathe.
I suppose I am such a “terrible, terrible, terrible” person who has always treated people with respect, volunteered half of my life to causes, worked at jobs that did not pay me what I am truly worth but I stayed there for the experiences. Finally after years, I found a good job with a great environment. I stuck up for my friends when people were bullying them that I do not deserve my own happy ending, right? I love myself, okay? I look up to myself for all the things that I know and have done in my life. It is not that a man cannot love me because I do not love myself.
It is because a man and a woman both love each other but they are too far away to see each other. He exists. He is not something I made up. He is real and I need to see him.
Signed with love,
Still Hopeful Single Woman
P.S. This is probably the first and last time I will ever experience a long distance. It hurts too much and now it’s messing up everything with guys in town who are finally decent to me. I should have just stuck with my original deal breakers: absolutely NO super long distance. One or two hours are fine, but any more than 5+ is done.