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Stress, Hopeful, Spring Break #writing

While I do love the job that I’m at, it’s very stressful.  Sometimes things will happen and we get laid off for a couple of weeks so they can figure out whatever is going on and then they’ll call us back.  I can hardly ever save up for a new car and it’s pissing me off because every time I get paid it has to go to next month’s rent.  I hope that after I publish my novel, it will get the recognition it deserves and at least I’ll have a little something to bounce back on while I wait to return to the job.  Never judge a book by its cover.  Just because I’m not starting out as a more known writer, doesn’t mean I’m not “verified” because my presence isn’t known to the Internet yet.  I’ve been writing forever, I just haven’t shown people things until this past year.  Practicing in my privacy.

I was kind of praying for a week off so I can visit my dog and finish this blasted novel and my prayers were answered.  Although I could use the money, I haven’t been feeling like working up to my usual potential, especially at a department I’m not usually at and the way they run things over at this other department is different from my original department I was assigned to.  I also didn’t like getting up at 5:45 a.m.  I need my one to two hours of relaxation before work starts, period.  I’m starting to like second shift better.  I cannot wait until we return to our normal hours.  For now, I am going to take one day at a time, and enjoy this time off.

Hopefully my other prayers will be answered that I need badly to be answered.  *crosses fingers*

My Journey to You Chapter 6: A Friendly Reminder to Me

Charley was the last man I talked to in my hometown before I gave up on my state and started to look elsewhere.  He wasn’t like any of the other men I talked to before him.  The whole reason why I liked him in the first place was because at such a young age 21-years-old, he was already working 12-hour shifts everyday, going to college on top of that.  He honestly makes me wonder what the hell I did at 21-years-old.  I’m not sure how much he relied on his parents and his wife’s parents for support, but he himself, has a decent paying job where I met him at to take care of his kids on his own.  We don’t work together anymore.  I found another job.  Charley makes my 5-year fling with an “ex,” he makes my “ex” look so much like a scrub, and my “ex” is 28-years-old.

All I did at 21-years-old was live in the dorms and finish college, barely work part-time and I have no children.  I didn’t think he’d have time for anything else then I find out he has two small children.  At the time I was unsure if he was still with the mother of his children.  I was willing to let my usual deal breaker of not hanging out with a man who has children slide.  It’s really not that I’m insecure of his history with what would have been his ex.  I’d just rather not talk to her, not see her.  And here in my hometown, some bitches actually want to start drama with a girlfriend/wife when I’d rather not see nor talk to one period!  Honestly, though.

I never did anything at all with Charley.  We just talked as friends, but I did say I liked him.  He tried to be friends with me after we argued, it’s just that, it was too weird and awkward for me.  I can’t keep in contact with him.  It sucks because I think we both need more friends and only talk to barely any other people at all.  I think that’s why he sometimes called me out of the blue after I thought he would have forgotten about me.  Then one day, his wife called me for no good reason, actually.  I could have been friends with her, too, since I need to hang out with more women instead of mostly men all the time, it’s just that the situation was SO weird.  She wasn’t malicious in her phone call, she actually sounded like a decent person.  I know she was about to ask me a question but I wasn’t going to let her finish her question and hung up on her.  That call sent me a friendly reminder that there are some deal breakers I should keep:  Do not date someone who has to keep in contact with his ex and/or with children.  I will make no exceptions ever again, no matter how ambitious a man is.

Charley was a man who had huge tattoos all over his arms and didn’t seem like a father figure at all: SO wrong for me.  Some people think I was a huge college partier and I’m like, NOPE!  I’ve only been to three or four parties tops in my life, mostly working.  I used to go out sometimes in college, but not that much.  I’m glad I didn’t have anything with Charley because I met the most amazing man for me after Charley.  Although it is long distance, my friends are keeping their fingers crossed that it will work out with Travis and me.  I am hoping so, too.

My Journey to You Chapter 2: Ok! Fun

Chapter 2: Ok! Fun

A while back, I had signed up for Ok! Cupid out of pure boredom and for kicks.  I kept my account open.  Sometimes I would get messages from people on there but I wouldn’t reply because I’m not serious about meeting anyone in person from there at all.  My account was just opened from before but I wouldn’t go on there to purposely search for people.

One man said to me, “You are too beautiful to be on any dating site, why are you on here?”

Oh, I replied, “The men in my city are dumb asses, that’s why unfortunately, but it’s true.  They’d rather date skanks who start drama who don’t respect themselves and I hate to say I’m not a woman like that, sorry.  I’d like to hang out as stress free as possible.  The men around my age in my town are fucked up that’s why.  I’m shocked I still have a straight head screwed on dealing with lots of these kinds of people daily who make up vicious rumors.”

I’m shocked I found the few decent friends that I have in all this mess to be honest.  I’m trying this new thing to surround myself with good people and the people who are bringing me down, can be out of the picture.

Most of the men who message me on Ok! Cupid are older like in their thirties and have children already and I really would rather not date someone who has children nor that old.

“Don’t write off every townie,” these words echo in my brain said by Eric my roommate.

I don’t like going to a dating site to meet someone.  I like to go to sites where you can make friends and the main purpose isn’t finding someone to date but finding friends with similar interests.

While I was bored one night, I got on Omegle again and met another man named Jake who lives in Texas and goes to Texas A & M.  I’ve heard of that college.  Isn’t that where Johnny Football went, or was it Alabama?  I forget.  I’m not a sports buff so I wouldn’t know.

Another person far away.  Decent man, likes talking to me, but again, all I could think about was Travis down south.  I’m sorry, Jake, you’re cute but not for me and not someone I would go the distance for.

I feel so bad whenever these guys try to talk sexy to me they have no idea I’m not even thinking about them the way they’re thinking about me.  I just want to make a new friend that’s all, nothing more.  I’m glad Baseball Guy knows where my heart is and wants to be just friends.

I would always ask guys on Omegle if they talk to other guys on there.  They say, yeah they do.  Whenever I see a girl on there, I want to make more female friends, even if they are far away, it’s just that they’re mostly much younger than me, like 15 or 16, not that young.  Then we could have Girl Talk and talk about whatever either of us want to talk about to pass the time.  I talked to a girl once.  I’m not a lesbian or bisexual, just looking for more friends also females, too.  The chat froze on us.  I have a girl pen pal who I have been talking to since the 8th grade who lives in Australia.  This is a place I’d like to visit some day and I have a friend there, too.  We tell each other everything we wouldn’t tell our real life friends!  She talks to me about her boyfriend and friends and I talk to her about my stuff, too.

Sometimes I don’t make it obvious that I’m a girl on Omegle.  I like to be in a Tom Boy chilling mood at times and I wonder if some girls on there think I’m an Asian guy, hah!  Seriously, I can be the girliest of girls or look like a boy.  It’s however I want to look for that day.

I corresponded with a couple of townies on Ok! Cupid, also, but none I’d want to meet.  For friends possibly, but I know they want more and I don’t want more from them.  I’m just looking for new friends to hang out with in my town if anything.  It gets kind of repetitive hanging out with my roommates all the time.  Don’t get me wrong, we’re all bros until the end, but we need to meet more people instead of sticking with ourselves.

Eric still tries to be friends with his ex who is engaged to someone else [after a month of dating] just to have a friend.

I asked him one day, “Why do you want to be friends with someone who said all those horrible things about you who treats your other friends like crap as well?”

“I try to be friends with everybody when I can,” that’s just him he says.

“You don’t want to be friends with everybody.  Not everyone is good to be around.  Choose the right friends to make amends with,” I say.

Introduction & Chapter 1 – My Journey to You

Prologue

You know that feeling you get when you think you’ve met The One?  I’ve only ever felt that once for someone in my town.  I was so sure because usually my Woman’s Intuitions never fail me, I hardly ever used to listen to myself until I finally felt it.  I used to give people chances only for them to blow them and waste my time.  There were people I have liked who I knew nothing would ever happen with, who were all wrong for me.  Then there was one person who could actually do something about liking me and was single, and 15 to 30 minutes away.  I thought my luck had finally turned around.  We had so much in common, yet were different enough from each other.

Turns out I was wrong.  I used to think I was pushing people away for silly deal breakers such as an age gap.  Once everyone is a certain age, it doesn’t matter to me.  For me, it was the older I dated, the more immature/judgmental they got and I thought people were supposed to grow up at a certain age.  So I said to myself, if older adults I meet are going to act immature, I’d rather find a nice young man to have some real fun with.  I’m more concerned with a potential spouse respecting me, and I respecting him the same.  It is proven, that age is just a number.  With each failed attempt with someone, I find myself getting warmer and warmer to the right person for me.  I’m starting to not care how we met anymore.  If it’s from online and it becomes the best thing I’ve ever had with someone, I’ll be more than happy with that.  I was talking with a couple of friends and they noticed something they said, “How come everyone in your town is getting action except for you and your friends?”

I simply reply, “The rest are all settling thinking they can’t do better with what they’ve got.  I’m being patient and my time will come.  I could easily call some people up right now to get action just the same, but I do not feel a spark with those people and it’s not worth it to me.”  Plus, I am not looking for a one night deal type of thing.  I’m looking for something meaningful.

All these failed attempts had to happen, to lead me to the right direction.  I don’t regret anything now.  I used to be so upset when people wasted a lot of my time.  I was talking to someone for the whole entire year once, just for him to flake out on me when he got back to town.  He was a townie who went to college in another city.  I was very upset that he led me on for so long.  That doesn’t excuse his hidden secret, which by now he should be open to people more about and not breaking girls hearts’ because he’s too insecure of himself to reveal the real him being afraid of how people would react to it.  He should have told me in the beginning instead of wait for when we planned to meet up.  Then we would have still been friends.  I’m glad things didn’t work out with him.  We obviously weren’t right for each other.

Now, I’m acting like a lovesick teenager with someone new I am talking to.  What’s so different about this someone new I’m talking to?  Well for one, he lives far, far, away.  This is something I haven’t really experienced.  I used to think it was a waste of time talking to someone far away like that since we couldn’t ever meet in person anyway, until I met someone I would go the distance for.  I haven’t touched a man in years.  I haven’t been kissed, nothing in years, with seemingly nothing in site to come, at least from my hometown.  Okay, I admit that maybe one short tryst was granted access back in April, but even then, it’s nearly been a YEAR from that point, and two Junes ago before that.  However, I remember it did not satisfy me.  I need to pick up a new hobby so the one I think about nowadays does not constantly consume my mind.  How many hobbies do I need to pick up?  I have more than enough, honestly.  Just ask anyone that knows me how many things I can MOTHER FUCKING do!

Chapter 1

Someone knocks on the door to my place.  I had just finally moved into a house after being in a small dinky apartment for years.  The last thing I have left to achieve is being able to share my happiness with who I want to spend the rest of my life with.  They always say everything will fall into place.  Perhaps, I never found someone before because I didn’t have my priorities in order.  Now with everything aligning once again, maybe I can finally relax with the person I have been longing for.  We both had to have our priorities straight before we could spend our time together.

                I open the door and there he is.

                “You drove 8 to 9 hours to see me?”  I pulled him inside and we give each other a great big hug, finally meeting each other for the first time in person after seeing each other lots of times on video chat.  “People 15 minutes away won’t come to fucking see me.”

                I used to be scared at how awkward our first meeting would be, but it’s not awkward at all.  He was like a long lost friend I haven’t seen in a while and we’re catching up.  I’ve met people from online before locally and it wasn’t awkward.  The only difference now is this man came from a zillion miles away.

                “I did, and you’re worth it and they’re stupid to not want to see you,” he looks into my eyes and plays with strands of my hair.

                “And you were about to give up on me, what made you change your mind to try?”

                “I just had this hunch.  I was being stupid to think this wouldn’t work just because of a few states between us,” he says.

                We are the same height and same size, maybe he’s an inch taller.  I love that I don’t have to stand on my tippy toes to look into his eyes nor to kiss him.  It’s like he’s perfect for me.  I used to think I had to settle for someone tall because at the time, that person was the only one I could find who was decent enough.  I say to myself, I can find someone around my height if I try.  I don’t need to be miserable accepting someone really tall when I’m short stuff.

                I’m amazed he came all this way and I’m playing with his face like he came out of the computer screen and teleported here.

                “You look so much better in person,” he’s checking me out.

                “What’s that supposed to mean?”  I jokingly give him a hard time.

                “I must correct myself.  You look even more beautiful in person,” he states.

                “Well, the camera and computer does add ten pounds to someone,” I laugh.

                I can’t believe he’s finally here after so many months of longing for him, and so many months thinking this wasn’t worth the wait but it was.  It so was.

The alarm sounds.  Is it time to wake up already?  I am sulking and climb out of bed ready to start the day.

My roommate Eric is sitting at the kitchen table eating cereal and looks at me as I come out of my room looking miserable as fuck.

“What the hell?”  Eric looks like he wants to throw that carton of milk at me that’s next to his cereal bowl for looking so depressed all the time.  “Stop doing this to yourself.”

“I know, I know.  I can’t help it sometimes.  I want it to work so badly with Travis but I don’t know how it will when he’s all the way over there and I’m all the way over here.”

“Maybe you should just give up and find someone else here,” Eric says.

“Well thanks a lot for the words of encouragement,” I say to him.

“Look, I know you really do like Travis and I wish it would work out with you two.  I’m just trying to be realistic here.”

“Have you seen the jank men in our city?”

“Yes, and you’ll find a diamond in the rough if you try,” Eric insists.

Chapter 2: The Bizarre Phone Call

Today, I just got the weirdest phone call.  I have bizarre things happening in my life, I swear it!  I literally haven’t talked to Charley [Indiana] since last December even though I had tried texting him over a month ago but he didn’t answer so I said, “Screw it.”  We were in the middle of a conversation after just having seen each other in December and he vanished, didn’t respond to me anymore the day after we saw each other in person.  I didn’t know if he died in a freak accident or whether he was still alive or not. . .

Instead of being rude to him about not answering me, I just kept texting him things to encourage him to become better and to find a better job than where we met and to be good to his kids which I said he is a great father, I know it.  I said to him I see he has a life with someone else already and I knew nothing was ever going to happen anyway so I don’t know why his fucking wife is calling me when I haven’t talked to/seen him since forever and nothing happened with us, just talking.  I was unsure of their status together.  I wasn’t sure if they’re still married or just talking for the kids, but I was very careful about not having anything happen, especially when I saw him in person last year.

I am not a home wrecker.  I just have the worst luck ever liking people who are already taken in Indiana no matter what age they are.  Charley is five years younger than me and already has a life with someone.  I feel like most people from Indiana are with someone already no matter who it is.  If they’re not taken in Indiana, they’re gay and/or closeted.

Charley tried to be friends with me and I think he does want to be my friend, that’s why he wanted me to hang out with him at work last year after not having seen each other in months, but it’s just too weird and awkward after all the things I have said to him, nice things, but still awkward. . .I was shocked he called me himself from his own phone a few weeks ago out of the blue when I couldn’t pick up.  So why is his wife calling me?!

Today, someone from his family called.  His wife.  This number wasn’t in my phone and I’m thinking why would someone call me at 8:30 P.M. from where Charley lives?  He lives 40 minutes away   The number looked like Charley’s but the last four digits were different from his so I figured it was someone he knew so I texted him.

Who is this calling me from your family?  Some woman just called me asking for me and I hung up because I wasn’t going to deal with it since I haven’t even seen Charley since last year and nothing happened when we saw each other.

He finally texted back saying it was his wife.  I’m like, “O.M.G.  why the hell is she calling me when I pretty much told you I knew you have a life with someone else and we were never meant for each other?”  I told Charley I’m really into someone else now not in our state and hoping things will work out with my long distance interest.  I just said I hope Charley is doing well since I KNEW he was reading my text messages and he was getting them, why didn’t he freaking respond or maybe he just didn’t know how to respond to them?  Maybe she’s thinking it’s the woman being nice to her husband that she has to watch out for.  Lady, I’m not a home wrecker.  If I know someone is taken, especially with children, I try to get over it.  I don’t want someone who has children already: for this reason so I don’t have to deal with you, Lady, when you guys break up and still have to keep in touch for the children.  I am into someone who does not have any children with someone else.

Don’t worry Lady, Charley is all yours.  And you’re obviously not making him happy if he has to call me sometimes so you guys should work it out.  I don’t have any ill feelings toward him anymore.  I just wished him the best in life and that I’m glad we got to be friends for a little bit, but it’s time for me to move on from boys in Indiana.  I don’t think Charley is going to call me anymore after I told him I felt too weird being his friend after everything we talked about.  I was literally shocked he still has my number in his phone.  Sometimes he would call me after a few weeks or a month or two has passed ever so randomly.

More than ever, I pray with everything in me that my long distance thing will work itself out when the time comes.  Baby steps.

Fun Fact #6: My Bucket List

Fun Fact #6:  I’ve never really created one of these, but I thought I should for fun.

*Publish a best seller novel and/or short story collection

*Travel to every place we have ever wanted to go

*Get hired in permanently at a full time job that I like and not settling for jobs I don’t like just to have a job. [That can make someone so miserable if you just stick to a job because you think you can’t find something you like, and I’m not going to be that way]

*Buy a good car that’s going to last me for a long, long, long time

*Get my nice own place with no roommates: doesn’t matter if it’s a house or apartment, as long as I am the only one living there and can have guests over

*Fall ridiculously in love with someone who loves me back equally the same – and we do something about it and not give up on it just because things may seem hopeless at the moment

*Be in a healthy relationship with someone who appreciates me and I appreciate him, not a toxic one

*Hoping to have a real valentine for once, and not just friend valentines

*Have one full year without having to deal with people’s pointless drama that I really couldn’t care less about

My Journey to Something New

Introduction

My Journey to Something New

I have never been in a true long distance relationship.  Michigan to Indiana isn’t too far.  I can be in Michigan in an instant.  I was just in Kalamazoo not too long ago for a video shoot.  I won’t count visiting someone in Michigan years ago, especially since we occasionally visit Michigan here and there.  I’m talking states down, states further away.  I’ve visited friends whenever they moved to a different state, but we weren’t dating, just friends visiting each other.  I haven’t actually ever really wanted a life with someone who lives far away until now.  How do people do it?  How do they do it?  People ask me how I do something like this, that they could never do something like that.  I didn’t think I could, either.  In fact, whenever I would meet previous Internet friends I still keep in touch with who were interested in me as more, I always said I just only wanted to be friends because I would prefer it if I didn’t do long distance, especially since I am on a budget right now trying to save for a car.  With the right person, I can.

For now, all we can be is good friends getting to know each other better each day.  I used to think I couldn’t ever feel real ridiculous “like” for someone over the computer I haven’t physically met in person, that they would mainly be Internet friends who have fun talking to each other from time to time, until I started video chatting.  I know someone from my high school graduating class and she is in a long distance engagement I think.  They’ve been dating for years and are now getting married soon.  I’m not that close of friends with her anymore, don’t think I ever was, but her getting engaged to someone in Denver while we are here in Indiana gives me hope for my situation.  I wish my interest won’t give up and I think my interest is a little closer [still far, but closer] than Colorado to Indiana.  My heart belongs to him down south, a southern boy.

I know these things take time, but I have a good feeling that if we hung out once in person we’d know what we’d ultimately want from each other.  I know it’s kind of pointless to make our relationship official right now when we can’t even meet at this point.  However, in my heart, I just know.  There have been other men to try to talk to me: in my hometown, and in other states that I am not particularly interested in having a relationship with because I am determined to beat all odds this time.  I don’t want to give up on this the way I gave up on my last Indiana hope before I climb mountains for my man.

I’m just so afraid you’ll meet someone before both of our schedules are free to see each other.  I’m so afraid and I don’t want that to happen because if you meet someone from your hometown, then I can’t talk to you anymore.  I know I told you I won’t be talking to anyone else any time soon in that way.  I ended things finally with my last Indiana boy and told Charley he can’t keep playing around with me when I’m trying to have a relationship.  I won’t ever forget Charley.  He was a truly big inspiration in my life working 12 hours a day, going to college and taking care of his two kids at 21-years-old.  He also learned the lessons I taught him in life to become a better person.  His friends before he met me, I have a feeling didn’t tell him to grow up even though he is 21 with two children.  Since he met me, he became more mature.  I won’t forget him for that reason that a man from my hometown finally listened to what I was trying to say, it’s just that he has a life with someone else already and Charley needs to stick with it.  I’m ready to begin my journey to something new and unknown.

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