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She often wonders if she will ever feel loved by someone she loves.

She felt something close to it for a while from someone far away but guesses she was not worthy enough to go the distance for.

She tries to write a story to get over it because nothing else seemed to work.

Her mind would always wander back to her lost better half.

There were times when she thought she was in “love” when she knew it was only infatuation and lust.

What she has for him does not compare to any of that.

It has been months now since they last directly spoke.

And she still cannot get him out of her mind.

Is she just doomed to be forever alone?

Who would dare try to talk to a woman who’s heart is not in any future potential relationships?

And he doesn’t seem to care, that’s the worst part.

Do you care how you make me think right now?  Do you CARE? 

She does not need an answer.  She knows he does care but he thinks he cannot do anything about the distance when he can.  He won’t try.

He left her behind which she knew was going to happen with the eight hours in between.

If only he had kept talking to her the way he used to things would have definitely worked out.

If only…

#foreverlost

Poetry: Untouched, One Day

All she ever dreams about is the day she will be touched by someone who cares about her as much as she cares about him.

She knows that would lighten her spirits immensely after years of desolate isolation.

She knows she’s only cranky as of right now because there is no one coming her way to fulfill this dream any time soon.

Friends ask her how she does it with years upon years of nothingness.

She doesn’t know how, anymore, for soon it might get the best of her when she least expects it if nothing can happen.

If she could have it for one day, one day would at least get her by.  One day is what’s keeping her alive.

I know they would rather spend more time than one day, but one day for now, would be okay.

The thought of how One Day would be are the best of dreams.

One Weekend.  Let’s make this happen.  One Weekend.  I know it would seem like just a quick thing since that’s all the time we have with our schedules at the moment, but we both know it’s not that and I’m willing to accept that we could only hang out for one weekend if it were to happen right now.

I need something good to happen in my life.  Something good.  This would be the answer.

My two favorites and I can’t see either of them: my dog or him.

Poetry: Without

I know you want someone you can see more often than never -

I’m sorry I can’t be that woman for you, but I do know with everything in me,

I’d go the distance for you.

I’ve never had it this bad before, and I can’t imagine life any other way than with you.

I wish you’d at least try.  You already gave up without even meeting me.

Like Ashanti says, she said it best:

“Listen and when the world starts to stress me out,
(where I run) it’s to you boy without
A doubt (you’re the one) who keeps me sane and I can’t complain”

No one has put me at more ease than when I was “hanging out” with you on video chat.

You know how lovesick I am for you and I don’t want to be;

I hate thinking about you it’s out of my control you take up my mind because I’m always left wondering

“What if?”

Every time I simply imagine moving on to someone else it breaks my heart that it’s not you.

I want to see your face.  I miss your silly dances on chat and how we would listen to music together.

I almost forget you’re 8 hours away when we used to talk for hours and then I remember when I want to cuddle at night we can’t.

I’m reminded by you not being able to hug me when I’m feeling down.

All we can do is video chat and text.

I don’t want to think about you anymore knowing you don’t want to try.

It’s not that you don’t think you could do it; I guess you don’t want me as bad as I thought you did.

If you truly wanted me you wouldn’t have given up this easily.

I know if we were to hang out now it would only be for a day, but at least we’d be starting somewhere rather than nowhere.

Poetry: Ms. Indecisive

Where do I go, what shall I do?

California or New York?

So many things I keep having to decide

and I can’t make up my mind.

Do I stay here in Indiana?

Indiana is my place right now,

whether I like it or not!

I finally found a decent place

worked hard to stay for as long as I did.

Proved to them that I show up to work everyday

whether it’s by car or foot no matter what condition I’m in.

I don’t use the car not working as an excuse to not show.

I trekked the snowy blizzard, piled high filled with snow sidewalks for two hours

the city needs to and didn’t shovel when I couldn’t rely on anyone for a ride and had no money for a bus or cab.

Thankfully I was blessed with a co-worker who now takes me to and from work.

That finally lifted some burden off my shoulders not having to worry about a ride.

If I move to California, it will be much further away from my dreams west.

If I move to New York, it will be even further away from my hopes east.

Someday after years have passed, I want so much for my own family,

but with the way things are going,

no matter which direction I go-

I go alone.

It honestly doesn’t look like it will happen

that I will have my own family who I want and need.

I will just be married to my work if my work will even keep me.

Not so Guarded

To love and to be loved the same in return, to be able to be together, is that not the best feeling in the world?

(Do you agree?)

After my last situation, I was done with my hometown to find love;

My hometown does not have the kind of love I am searching for.

I knew I would have to search elsewhere.

I don’t know if I was done as a whole, but then it hit me again when I least expected it to.

I’ve never felt like I’ve wanted to say those three words until now.

When you feel like you want to say those three words to someone,

you know it’s true.

If you have to think about it, it’s not real.

I know I don’t have to think about it because I want to say it

so BADLY I want to say it.

I’m just afraid of the response I’m going to get if I say those three words -

to give everything I have left and get nothing in return.

I knew this new situation I’m in was hopeless to begin with,

but I figure maybe I have finally found someone who will not let things such as distance get in the way,

when the time is right, will visit.

I knew it was hopeless, but the feeling I get with this person,

I hope it doesn’t go away because it makes me so happy it does.

I’ve never truly been the happiest until now, if only we could see each other in person.

I want to walk down the street with my babe and tell anyone passing by how lucky I am.

I’ve fallen so hard and I can’t get up.

I don’t want to get up.

Sometimes I wish I didn’t like someone as much as I do because the odds of it being in our favor are slim to none,

but that feeling I get, that feeling I get –

I’ve never felt until now and it’s the best feeling in the whole wide world!

Lightning Bug

Lightning Bug, please get off my desk.  How did you get in here?

The door is closed.  Was it when I opened the living room screen door to the balcony was when you inserted yourself into my life you pest?

Sure you glow, sure you’re fun: OUTDOORS!

You don’t belong in my room.  You don’t belong on my desk.

Stop fluttering away so I can put you on a napkin and shoo you out the door where you belong.  Even if you are a pest, I try my best not to have to kill you.  I felt something crawl up my leg or brush against my finger tips.  It was you, you pest.  I’m so glad I’m not a person that freaks and screams every time she sees a bug.  I would have woken up the entire complex.  I guess I’m glad you weren’t a giant moth or a gross spider.

Keep violating my room and I might get a bug zapper.

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