Sometimes I do not want to change my stories from how they actually happened. Even as true stories they are unbelievable.

To people who think they’re my #1 acclaimed “critics” you are not!

Dear people who think they are my “critics,”  I’m letting them know today that they are not!  You are some type of low to vote one star on people’s stories when I’m not out to get reviews in the first place.  I’m only typing for therapy and for people who are already interested in my soapbox rants.  I have my critics and it certainly isn’t their condescending style-like review ripping apart people’s books.  I don’t speak with those types of reviewers.  I didn’t ask for their opinions, either, so I don’t know why they feel the need to share it.

I know some people at Amazon forums ask others to review their work and then whine when they don’t like the inputs, but I didn’t do that.

Unfortunately, because the intro “The Phantom Menance: No Name No Face” to getting the one star bullies off their high horses has obviously failed because people still kept leaving one star review trolls on my short story collection calling them out for that, I have decided to write a full length novel about these one star trolls.  It especially irritates me because other than the three one star reviews, no one has dared to leave a positive review on the publishing sites when the trolls are lurking the reviews and will down vote their positive comments so people don’t bother to say they liked my short stories on the publishing sites.  Now does this make sense how people like reading my blog but when I publish something on Amazon or Smash Words I get one star reviews?  That doesn’t add up to me so I know there are no good lurkers also lurking my blog.  Are people that jealous of me or something that they’re willing to stalk my review comments so no one who likes my things will comment on the publishing sites making it seem like “no one” likes my stories when the only reviews made are one star reviews?

Will the idiots behind this still vote one star on an entire book simply calling them out for the kinds of people they are?  You’re probably wondering how I am managing to type a full length book all about one star bullies and keep it interesting — I’m at 30,000 words ish right now with that.  This is one of my most clever ideas yet.  It’s not an entire book complaining about one star bullies, oh no.  I had typed one page like that and I was irritated with the way I wrote that so I changed it into an actual story instead of a blog type rant.  I tried to see if anyone else has written full length stories about one star bullies, but I couldn’t find any other than people’s blog posts with their experiences they publish for free.

If anyone comes across actual books where people talk about their experiences with one star bullies, please let me know!  I’m interested in reading a book about one star bullies.

Stop leaving these asinine reviews on my stories, especially when it sounds like you didn’t even read my stories!  I dare you to leave a one star review on my book about you when it comes out.  In fact, I know you will anyway.   I’m just baiting you to see if you will since you have before.

So you think because I publish short stories, that gives you the right to vote one star on them?  Or what?  If I publish a novel are you going to vote one star on it?


Hell Hath no Fury

Why can’t people who used to call themselves my “friends” ever think of their actions and consequences before they do it?  They always expect me to forgive them after the fact when they do what they want at the time.  Some people have even told me I’m making a big deal out of nothing.  I don’t know about anyone else, but I wouldn’t go out of my way to be nice to people who are picking on and bullying a close childhood friend of mine whether or not they did anything to me.  If you don’t want me to think of you as my enemies, you should have thought about not speaking with my enemies otherwise I’ll think you’re one of them.  I get how you didn’t want things to escalate in person so you were cordial with them and that’s fine.  You didn’t have to add them to Facebook, though.  That was crossing a line because now Krista thinks you’re actually her friend when you acknowledge her and let her comment all over your things.

I told you square in the face, “Birds of a feather flock together,” so if you want to keep in touch with people like Krista, I’ll think you act like her, too.  Krista Durski and Billie Debaillie (Billie Jean) think they’re “great people” but that’s not how I perceive them at all.  They are going to get their reality checks soon once and for all.  I even said I was okay with Rachel still keeping in touch with Krista as long as she told Krista Krista was not her real friend and she didn’t like what she did to me she just wants to be nice to everyone to not have anyone hate her.  Rachel didn’t even do anything to compromise!  She doesn’t like confrontation, but obviously had the guts to tell Krista she didn’t want to be involved.  By keeping Krista in her circle and saying the things she said to me, that’s kind of getting involved and Rachel already chose her side.  I know other people know Krista, too, but they don’t acknowledge her at all and just keep her on their lists from college and they knew about her before they met me so I’m not upset at that.  The only place Rachel ever knew about Krista was when Krista was harassing me for six years.

Rachel just wanted to do what she wants to do without regards for how awkward this hostility makes for our parents, and without regards for me, and said to me, “If you have a problem with me keeping Krista on my Facebook, then delete me,” so I did.  Now I’m not going to meet with Rachel to talk things out.  There’s nothing to talk out.  I’ll see that you truly want to be forgiven when you tell Tara to give me back my money she owes me instead of hanging out with her acting like she did nothing to me, either.  I’ll see that you truly want to be forgiven when you tell Krista the truth about herself and then delete her from Facebook.  Until then, there’s nothing to talk about.  I’m going along with my revenge book because sometimes, just sometimes, revenge is worth it.

I’ve met with Rachel before the first time she betrayed me with other people and I thought it would have been resolved, then.  I had no idea she would do something like this to piss me off the worst.  This is absolutely unforgivable.  I keep replaying those uncaring words in my head over and over thinking how can someone who I thought was a “friend” say those things to me as if she didn’t care about the twenty some years we knew each other at all?

Do you know whenever I need something fixed for the car I don’t want to take it to Rachel’s dad anymore even though we bought it from him?  He’s one of the few trustworthy car salesmen we can count on, but because of this thing that happened with Rachel I don’t want to speak with any of that family.

Thankful anyway.

Today I got into one of my good moods again believing he and I will be together.  There will be days where I think it’s never going to happen and then other days where I think we will find our way even if it isn’t happening right now.  It’s unfortunate that some people have decided not to support me in this, because I would have loved to share my experience with them that I never gave up on him even when the long distance seemed hopeless.  I’m not talking about my friends who don’t agree on me still trying to work things out with him, but more the people that didn’t understand the situation properly.  These people at the LDR forum called me immature, for not being able to handle him not talking to me anymore.  No, it’s called I don’t give up on The One I love and I work twenty times harder to make it happen.  I wouldn’t go this far to get a response from someone if I didn’t think it was worth it.

Obviously, they wouldn’t have done whatever it takes to get a response from someone far away they are with if their significant others decided to cold turkey stop talking to them.  Whenever I was able to get him to talk to me again, he always said if I had lived closer he would be with me and the way he says it makes me want to try my very best for that to happen.  It’s too bad I can’t share my joy with that site when he decides to come around in the future.  I don’t know when, but he’s got to because no sane guy would want to date me when all my books are about wanting to marry someone far away.

Guys will see the psycho insane side of me if they become disloyal to me.  If they treat me right and how they should, then there will be none of that nonsense.

I get annoyed when guys still try to hook up with me or talk to me when my whole site is dedicated to one man I love.

The Storm.

I’ve never went out of my way to seek revenge, like have a devious plan and all.  If an opportunity presented itself to get back at someone that it got handed to me, I might take it depending on my mood, but I never took the time to actually do something and set something up until now.  I’ve sat back a lot of times and just let life take its course in kicking the rude people in the bums.  However, I’ve waited and waited for some people to get their karma and it seems like they never get it.  The more I checked up on said persons it was like she/they keep getting blessed it’s RIDICULOUS, as if they are immune to anything bad happening to them that they actually deserve.

I’m focusing on revenge a lot lately, because it’s time people get theirs.  If I had my long distance relationship working out, I wouldn’t give two craps about the people who did me dirty.  As life would have it, my LDR doesn’t want to work the relationship out right now and so I’m going to get something out of life if it’s not love from him, I’m going to get my vengeance.

Frankly, I can’t see my former friends being locked their rooms with no one to turn to for years upon years of silence.  Many people don’t like to be by themselves and have rarely anyone to talk to.  I’ve made myself accept it so I’m used to it to the point where the few friends I do have whenever they ask me to hang out, I don’t really feel like it sometimes because I’m so used to doing what I want.

I’ve decided I can’t be a homebody all the time and still need to keep in contact with civilization and appreciate those who reach out to me and take their time to see what’s been going on, and I catch up with the few friends I do have.  People disappoint me a lot and I’m tired of being disappointed which is why I have kept to myself many times and I have kept in touch with the right people.

Since it’s Thanksgiving vacation I’m going to say I’m thankful for the few people who actually get me and why I am the way I am and I don’t have to change.

Believe in the Mistletoe.

“Oh my, God!  I went two whole days without calling him, texting him, snap chatting him, nothing,” I excitedly tell my BFF while we are shopping.  This is a big accomplishment for me considering I always share every single thought with him that’s ever on my mind and I don’t hold back.  Why does this boy have to be hundreds of miles away from me?  I shouldn’t have to do all this to be with someone, but for him, I would.

“You’re lying.  See I told you to stop contacting him for a while a long time ago.  He might message you if you don’t contact him,” she laughs.

Doubtful.  I went two weeks cold turkey a while back without saying anything to him and he still didn’t message me back.  She says I need to wait longer.  If I hadn’t messaged him he’d be trying to really talk to some other girl.  He’s going to miss me I told him before I know he must miss me for calling me that one night a few weeks ago and sending me a cute pic, too.  That’s a lot coming from him after he didn’t respond to me for a long time.  I know he misses me I wish he would tell me his real feelings.

“I swear on everything I haven’t sent him anything in the past few days.  I used to blast his phone morning, noon, and night, then it went down to three messages at night, then to one message, now none at all.  I really wish he would meet me because I want to ask him in person what was the look on his face every time I would send him these 40 fantasy texts a day, 20 calls a day,” I giggle.  I know this is not exactly funny right now, but hopefully in the future when we are together we can laugh at these bad times for us.  This question would only work in person.  I want to see the expression he makes.

“He was probably like: ‘This girl is really crazy.  Where did she go?  She hasn’t messaged me all day.  I know it’s not over. She’s going to pop up soon,'” my BFF imitates what she thinks he’s thinking.

I can’t stop laughing.

“I really want to know what his friends think if he’s with them when I message him.  I have a feeling he’s going to message me on Christmas.  He’s got to.  He’s gonna see a mistletoe and wish I was there underneath it to kiss me,” I dream.

“Aw.  Christmas, you really think so?  He will message you then.  His friends are probably like who is that texting/calling your phone all the time?  I sometimes turn my phone on silent so they might not hear it ringing,” she says.

“I don’t know, every time I have a master plan it never works the way I want.  I’m hoping if I completely stop contacting him until he says something on Christmas, hopefully he will.  He’s got to wish me a happy Christmas!  He wished me a happy birthday back in February,” I cross my fingers.

“Not Thanksgiving?”

“No, that’s too soon from everything.  I have to wait longer than that.  He’ll be spending it with his family I bet,” I predict.

“He can still message you, though,” she nods.

“Yeah, I know, but I’m not going to expect it on Thanksgiving,” I sigh.

My Doom

I was so bored and distracted today that I decided to organize all my short stories into the right category and added new links to the menu.  I just thought of five more book ideas for writing about my lost love.  What’s it gotta take to persuade someone to do a long distance relationship?  How many books do I have to write to reach that person?  My short stories used to affect him with ease and now they don’t phase him anymore.  It’s like he blocked out my words, our love.  If I can’t reach him through short stories anymore I don’t know why I think a novel would do the trick.

I’ve wrapped myself in this black hole with him I’m never going to get out of.  I mean, with always coming up with book ideas surrounding him, I’m truly never going to get out of it.  I have to know what it’s like to kiss him and touch him.  He can’t leave us like this never knowing what could have been.  All I have ever wanted in life was to know what it would be like to kiss and even be with someone I thought I could never, ever have.  It must be amazing for people to be married to the persons of their dreams.  I don’t have that kind of luck.

I made a true promise to myself and I’m going to stick to my self promise: to marry the man who is deeply affected by my writing about our romance.  Writing is a big part of me and if someone isn’t interested in my writings then that person isn’t for me.  There have been men to try to date me but they don’t really talk about and or do read/write and that’s subjects I talk about a lot so if it bores them, it’s definitely not going to work.  I mean, he used to be interested when he was really into checking my blog for updates.  Now, I don’t even know if he goes here anymore.  I have a feeling he doesn’t go to my page anymore.  It wasn’t just a story to him at the time.  It meant something to him in the past and there has ever only been one person to be so enchanted with my stories in such a way where it even blew my own mind how I could reach someone like that.

I feel like if he and I met in person, I know we would both have a great time and we can finally relax together stress free.

My Biggest “What if?”

Tonight, I lost more than just money at the casino.  Ironically, I was hardly upset about losing any money at all at the casino.  This is the first time I’ve stepped into that place in years.  I had a rough day today with certain things and I needed someone to talk to.  None of my friends in town were answering their phones at the time so I thought to call my lost love from far away.  I guess I freaked him out with my situation.

I wasn’t upset about losing any money.

I was upset about him.

My whole world came crashing down when he deleted me.

Just the other day he was telling me to calm down when I told him I couldn’t save up money to visit him since work keeps calling me off for weeks.  Just the other day he kept telling me, “Don’t talk like that” I spoke in a way where I was truly hopeless of us ever being properly together.

I didn’t want to make him my entire life, but he was a huge part of my entire life for the few months he was in it.  I’m in the middle of writing a story about him that he loves reading!  Why delete me before the story ends!  I was the happiest talking to him.  I didn’t even get to make it to wish him a happy birthday on his birthday which is in five days.  He sent me a birthday message on mine and I was looking forward to saying something on his.  Now judging by the fact that he deleted me, I’m not going to.

I’ve liked people a lot before, but not as much as I’ve liked my biggest “what if?”

When he didn’t want to give me ten minutes of his time to talk to him on the phone, instead he deleted me, I honestly day dreamed images inside my head of me ending my life.  I thought he’d at least be there for me if other people couldn’t be there for me at the time.

I’ve never felt like ending my life when things didn’t work out with someone.  I always moved on and was accepting of the fact that I could do better.

With my biggest “what if?”  we never got proper chance to hang out in person although I know he would have enjoyed my company so much with the way we talk to each other on video chat and text.

I’m sorry we were too impatient to wait for a time where we could hang out for more than a day.

I didn’t mean it when I said for him to go find girls in his town if he’s so impatient for the long distance to happen. I wanted him to try more to be in my life than he was currently being.  I wanted him to go back to talking to me the way we used to talk when we first started talking.  Is he so busy now that he’s currently ignoring my messages when he’d used to respond to me all day every day, and even be the first one to text me?!  I love when he would used to text me first lots of times.  That showed me I was on his mind.

I miss that feel on the first day we “met.”

If I had at least a 40-hour work week, I wouldn’t have this much time to think about things.

This is Unreal.

A while back, I had met a new friend from a catering event.  I forget what I called him in those posts, but I’ll just say Aaron for now.

Anyway, Aaron is this black guy I wasn’t attracted to at all.

When we hung out as friends last year, and he tried to hold my hand, I flinched away.  Pretty sure I made it very clear I wasn’t interested.

Just because it is my birthday tomorrow does not mean I want birthday sex from you.  How the hell are you going to try and say I should fuck you on my birthday while I am talking to you about a guy I am in love with and I can’t see because that guy is far away?

On top of that, you want me to hang out with you even though you told me to treat you to Applebee’s even though it is my birthday and shouldn’t it be the other way around?  I really don’t want to hang out with you period, especially after you said you wanted to take me to your place to hook up with me and I don’t do that with people I don’t like and I’m not attracted to in that way.

This is so frustrating.  I’m sick of this kind of degrading shit around my town.

I’m waiting one day for where I can hang out with the person I want to be with.  I don’t care how far away you are.  I’ll wait for you for when we can hang out more.  I don’t want these guys in my town.  I don’t.

What a dog!~

My Journey to Something New


My Journey to Something New

I have never been in a true long distance relationship.  Michigan to Indiana isn’t too far.  I can be in Michigan in an instant.  I was just in Kalamazoo not too long ago for a video shoot.  I won’t count visiting someone in Michigan years ago, especially since we occasionally visit Michigan here and there.  I’m talking states down, states further away.  I’ve visited friends whenever they moved to a different state, but we weren’t dating, just friends visiting each other.  I haven’t actually ever really wanted a life with someone who lives far away until now.  How do people do it?  How do they do it?  People ask me how I do something like this, that they could never do something like that.  I didn’t think I could, either.  In fact, whenever I would meet previous Internet friends I still keep in touch with who were interested in me as more, I always said I just only wanted to be friends because I would prefer it if I didn’t do long distance, especially since I am on a budget right now trying to save for a car.  With the right person, I can.

For now, all we can be is good friends getting to know each other better each day.  I used to think I couldn’t ever feel real ridiculous “like” for someone over the computer I haven’t physically met in person, that they would mainly be Internet friends who have fun talking to each other from time to time, until I started video chatting.  I know someone from my high school graduating class and she is in a long distance engagement I think.  They’ve been dating for years and are now getting married soon.  I’m not that close of friends with her anymore, don’t think I ever was, but her getting engaged to someone in Denver while we are here in Indiana gives me hope for my situation.  I wish my interest won’t give up and I think my interest is a little closer [still far, but closer] than Colorado to Indiana.  My heart belongs to him down south, a southern boy.

I know these things take time, but I have a good feeling that if we hung out once in person we’d know what we’d ultimately want from each other.  I know it’s kind of pointless to make our relationship official right now when we can’t even meet at this point.  However, in my heart, I just know.  There have been other men to try to talk to me: in my hometown, and in other states that I am not particularly interested in having a relationship with because I am determined to beat all odds this time.  I don’t want to give up on this the way I gave up on my last Indiana hope before I climb mountains for my man.

I’m just so afraid you’ll meet someone before both of our schedules are free to see each other.  I’m so afraid and I don’t want that to happen because if you meet someone from your hometown, then I can’t talk to you anymore.  I know I told you I won’t be talking to anyone else any time soon in that way.  I ended things finally with my last Indiana boy and told Charley he can’t keep playing around with me when I’m trying to have a relationship.  I won’t ever forget Charley.  He was a truly big inspiration in my life working 12 hours a day, going to college and taking care of his two kids at 21-years-old.  He also learned the lessons I taught him in life to become a better person.  His friends before he met me, I have a feeling didn’t tell him to grow up even though he is 21 with two children.  Since he met me, he became more mature.  I won’t forget him for that reason that a man from my hometown finally listened to what I was trying to say, it’s just that he has a life with someone else already and Charley needs to stick with it.  I’m ready to begin my journey to something new and unknown.