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Believe in the Mistletoe.

“Oh my, God!  I went two whole days without calling him, texting him, snap chatting him, nothing,” I excitedly tell my BFF while we are shopping.  This is a big accomplishment for me considering I always share every single thought with him that’s ever on my mind and I don’t hold back.  Why does this boy have to be hundreds of miles away from me?  I shouldn’t have to do all this to be with someone, but for him, I would.

“You’re lying.  See I told you to stop contacting him for a while a long time ago.  He might message you if you don’t contact him,” she laughs.

Doubtful.  I went two weeks cold turkey a while back without saying anything to him and he still didn’t message me back.  She says I need to wait longer.  If I hadn’t messaged him he’d be trying to really talk to some other girl.  He’s going to miss me I told him before I know he must miss me for calling me that one night a few weeks ago and sending me a cute pic, too.  That’s a lot coming from him after he didn’t respond to me for a long time.  I know he misses me I wish he would tell me his real feelings.

“I swear on everything I haven’t sent him anything in the past few days.  I used to blast his phone morning, noon, and night, then it went down to three messages at night, then to one message, now none at all.  I really wish he would meet me because I want to ask him in person what was the look on his face every time I would send him these 40 fantasy texts a day, 20 calls a day,” I giggle.  I know this is not exactly funny right now, but hopefully in the future when we are together we can laugh at these bad times for us.  This question would only work in person.  I want to see the expression he makes.

“He was probably like: ‘This girl is really crazy.  Where did she go?  She hasn’t messaged me all day.  I know it’s not over. She’s going to pop up soon,'” my BFF imitates what she thinks he’s thinking.

I can’t stop laughing.

“I really want to know what his friends think if he’s with them when I message him.  I have a feeling he’s going to message me on Christmas.  He’s got to.  He’s gonna see a mistletoe and wish I was there underneath it to kiss me,” I dream.

“Aw.  Christmas, you really think so?  He will message you then.  His friends are probably like who is that texting/calling your phone all the time?  I sometimes turn my phone on silent so they might not hear it ringing,” she says.

“I don’t know, every time I have a master plan it never works the way I want.  I’m hoping if I completely stop contacting him until he says something on Christmas, hopefully he will.  He’s got to wish me a happy Christmas!  He wished me a happy birthday back in February,” I cross my fingers.

“Not Thanksgiving?”

“No, that’s too soon from everything.  I have to wait longer than that.  He’ll be spending it with his family I bet,” I predict.

“He can still message you, though,” she nods.

“Yeah, I know, but I’m not going to expect it on Thanksgiving,” I sigh.

My Doom

I was so bored and distracted today that I decided to organize all my short stories into the right category and added new links to the menu.  I just thought of five more book ideas for writing about my lost love.  What’s it gotta take to persuade someone to do a long distance relationship?  How many books do I have to write to reach that person?  My short stories used to affect him with ease and now they don’t phase him anymore.  It’s like he blocked out my words, our love.  If I can’t reach him through short stories anymore I don’t know why I think a novel would do the trick.

I’ve wrapped myself in this black hole with him I’m never going to get out of.  I mean, with always coming up with book ideas surrounding him, I’m truly never going to get out of it.  I have to know what it’s like to kiss him and touch him.  He can’t leave us like this never knowing what could have been.  All I have ever wanted in life was to know what it would be like to kiss and even be with someone I thought I could never, ever have.  It must be amazing for people to be married to the persons of their dreams.  I don’t have that kind of luck.

I made a true promise to myself and I’m going to stick to my self promise: to marry the man who is deeply affected by my writing about our romance.  Writing is a big part of me and if someone isn’t interested in my writings then that person isn’t for me.  There have been men to try to date me but they don’t really talk about and or do read/write and that’s subjects I talk about a lot so if it bores them, it’s definitely not going to work.  I mean, he used to be interested when he was really into checking my blog for updates.  Now, I don’t even know if he goes here anymore.  I have a feeling he doesn’t go to my page anymore.  It wasn’t just a story to him at the time.  It meant something to him in the past and there has ever only been one person to be so enchanted with my stories in such a way where it even blew my own mind how I could reach someone like that.

I feel like if he and I met in person, I know we would both have a great time and we can finally relax together stress free.

My Biggest “What if?”

Tonight, I lost more than just money at the casino.  Ironically, I was hardly upset about losing any money at all at the casino.  This is the first time I’ve stepped into that place in years.  I had a rough day today with certain things and I needed someone to talk to.  None of my friends in town were answering their phones at the time so I thought to call my lost love from far away.  I guess I freaked him out with my situation.

I wasn’t upset about losing any money.

I was upset about him.

My whole world came crashing down when he deleted me.

Just the other day he was telling me to calm down when I told him I couldn’t save up money to visit him since work keeps calling me off for weeks.  Just the other day he kept telling me, “Don’t talk like that” I spoke in a way where I was truly hopeless of us ever being properly together.

I didn’t want to make him my entire life, but he was a huge part of my entire life for the few months he was in it.  I’m in the middle of writing a story about him that he loves reading!  Why delete me before the story ends!  I was the happiest talking to him.  I didn’t even get to make it to wish him a happy birthday on his birthday which is in five days.  He sent me a birthday message on mine and I was looking forward to saying something on his.  Now judging by the fact that he deleted me, I’m not going to.

I’ve liked people a lot before, but not as much as I’ve liked my biggest “what if?”

When he didn’t want to give me ten minutes of his time to talk to him on the phone, instead he deleted me, I honestly day dreamed images inside my head of me ending my life.  I thought he’d at least be there for me if other people couldn’t be there for me at the time.

I’ve never felt like ending my life when things didn’t work out with someone.  I always moved on and was accepting of the fact that I could do better.

With my biggest “what if?”  we never got proper chance to hang out in person although I know he would have enjoyed my company so much with the way we talk to each other on video chat and text.

I’m sorry we were too impatient to wait for a time where we could hang out for more than a day.

I didn’t mean it when I said for him to go find girls in his town if he’s so impatient for the long distance to happen. I wanted him to try more to be in my life than he was currently being.  I wanted him to go back to talking to me the way we used to talk when we first started talking.  Is he so busy now that he’s currently ignoring my messages when he’d used to respond to me all day every day, and even be the first one to text me?!  I love when he would used to text me first lots of times.  That showed me I was on his mind.

I miss that feel on the first day we “met.”

If I had at least a 40-hour work week, I wouldn’t have this much time to think about things.

This is Unreal.

A while back, I had met a new friend from a catering event.  I forget what I called him in those posts, but I’ll just say Aaron for now.

Anyway, Aaron is this black guy I wasn’t attracted to at all.

When we hung out as friends last year, and he tried to hold my hand, I flinched away.  Pretty sure I made it very clear I wasn’t interested.

Just because it is my birthday tomorrow does not mean I want birthday sex from you.  How the hell are you going to try and say I should fuck you on my birthday while I am talking to you about a guy I am in love with and I can’t see because that guy is far away?

On top of that, you want me to hang out with you even though you told me to treat you to Applebee’s even though it is my birthday and shouldn’t it be the other way around?  I really don’t want to hang out with you period, especially after you said you wanted to take me to your place to hook up with me and I don’t do that with people I don’t like and I’m not attracted to in that way.

This is so frustrating.  I’m sick of this kind of degrading shit around my town.

I’m waiting one day for where I can hang out with the person I want to be with.  I don’t care how far away you are.  I’ll wait for you for when we can hang out more.  I don’t want these guys in my town.  I don’t.

What a dog!~

My Journey to Something New


My Journey to Something New

I have never been in a true long distance relationship.  Michigan to Indiana isn’t too far.  I can be in Michigan in an instant.  I was just in Kalamazoo not too long ago for a video shoot.  I won’t count visiting someone in Michigan years ago, especially since we occasionally visit Michigan here and there.  I’m talking states down, states further away.  I’ve visited friends whenever they moved to a different state, but we weren’t dating, just friends visiting each other.  I haven’t actually ever really wanted a life with someone who lives far away until now.  How do people do it?  How do they do it?  People ask me how I do something like this, that they could never do something like that.  I didn’t think I could, either.  In fact, whenever I would meet previous Internet friends I still keep in touch with who were interested in me as more, I always said I just only wanted to be friends because I would prefer it if I didn’t do long distance, especially since I am on a budget right now trying to save for a car.  With the right person, I can.

For now, all we can be is good friends getting to know each other better each day.  I used to think I couldn’t ever feel real ridiculous “like” for someone over the computer I haven’t physically met in person, that they would mainly be Internet friends who have fun talking to each other from time to time, until I started video chatting.  I know someone from my high school graduating class and she is in a long distance engagement I think.  They’ve been dating for years and are now getting married soon.  I’m not that close of friends with her anymore, don’t think I ever was, but her getting engaged to someone in Denver while we are here in Indiana gives me hope for my situation.  I wish my interest won’t give up and I think my interest is a little closer [still far, but closer] than Colorado to Indiana.  My heart belongs to him down south, a southern boy.

I know these things take time, but I have a good feeling that if we hung out once in person we’d know what we’d ultimately want from each other.  I know it’s kind of pointless to make our relationship official right now when we can’t even meet at this point.  However, in my heart, I just know.  There have been other men to try to talk to me: in my hometown, and in other states that I am not particularly interested in having a relationship with because I am determined to beat all odds this time.  I don’t want to give up on this the way I gave up on my last Indiana hope before I climb mountains for my man.

I’m just so afraid you’ll meet someone before both of our schedules are free to see each other.  I’m so afraid and I don’t want that to happen because if you meet someone from your hometown, then I can’t talk to you anymore.  I know I told you I won’t be talking to anyone else any time soon in that way.  I ended things finally with my last Indiana boy and told Charley he can’t keep playing around with me when I’m trying to have a relationship.  I won’t ever forget Charley.  He was a truly big inspiration in my life working 12 hours a day, going to college and taking care of his two kids at 21-years-old.  He also learned the lessons I taught him in life to become a better person.  His friends before he met me, I have a feeling didn’t tell him to grow up even though he is 21 with two children.  Since he met me, he became more mature.  I won’t forget him for that reason that a man from my hometown finally listened to what I was trying to say, it’s just that he has a life with someone else already and Charley needs to stick with it.  I’m ready to begin my journey to something new and unknown.


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