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Xin’s Missing Star

Author’s Note

Most of my stories will be based off of true real life events.  I’m sort of stuck in how I want to end my story with this unexpected no contact from my far away love.  I could write two versions which would be drastic mood changes.  Or should I leave it to one ending and stick with reality?

For new readers to my most epic tale I have ever told, I welcome you.  Current readers who have seen us since the beginning unfold, I am happy you are still here to want to know where our journey is headed.

I told him people from all over the world was reading my blog just for our story.  He said was happy for me.  He said he thought that was so wonderful of you guys to love our story, when we were still talking before our argument yesterday.  He’s eight+ hours away and we can’t properly see each other to talk things out in person and some miscommunication happened.

Now I don’t know how to end the story.  I cannot write my ending without the star of my show and I don’t want to leave my readers hanging.  It would mean a lot if we could trend the hash tag #xinsmissingstar on Twitter and if there is a way here, if you have one to let him know how important it is that I need him to finish writing.  I love him because of this connection that we have through my writings.  I’ve never had that with any other man before.  Most of my crushes just viewed my stories as an angry woman ranting, not him, though.

My lost universe would used to tell me all the time how he thinks I’m a great writer and that meant a lot coming from him, especially my fellow readers, too, I appreciate so much all the positive feedback about my stories.  He is my muse.

Xin’s Missing Star

I used to say I would only date people 1 to 3 years younger than me or 1 to 3 years older than me.  Then, when people five years younger than me started talking to me more, I thought how many good people I would miss out on just because they are two years younger than my age cut off.  It helped that they had interesting personalities for me to want to talk to someone that much younger than my usual preferences and they weren’t dull to talk to.

Once everyone is 19/20+ years-old, I don’t really care.

Most of the people around me are generally younger than me now.  Most people talking on the Internet wherever I go are going to be younger than me.

When I first started talking to this particular 19-year-old boy, I saw a maturity level in him to match my age.  It wouldn’t have worked otherwise if he didn’t act older than his age.  We could talk about very sensitive topics and he had a strong character to not be freaked out by the stories I write about him.  I really love him for that.  What ultimately pushed him away was when I was feeling the most alone in the world last night.  He wasn’t even pushed away that we had talked about semi-seriously talked about our married life together so soon when we first started talking [that's the strong character in him I admire -- you know you've found the one when they don't get freaked out about talking about marriage, not joking about it, but actually talking about it].  It was me freaking out about not being able to save up to see him this summer that pushed him away.  I needed him to be there for me, instead he shut me out.

I know he is 8+ hours away.  We were planning to meet this summer and we would have had so much fun had we got that far to meet.  Work has been setting me back to do that with all these unpaid days off.  I always see long distance couples on youtube make their videos and I wanted to make one so much with him to go with our written story.

I can’t make our long distance video without him.  I lost one of my most important readers and I don’t know how to get him back: the star of the show!  I didn’t mean to make him my whole entire world, but he was a huge part of it.

I now see the 19-year-old side of him.  I thought he was mature enough to handle a long distance but we’re both impatient wanting things to happen soon and we can’t make that happen soon since we don’t have the funds, resources, or schedule to currently.

Anyone who has ever been in a really long distance experience, if you could tell me how your story went, I would love to hear other people’s long distance experiences.  Anyone who needs someone to talk to about things, I am here for you, too.

My Biggest “What if?”

Tonight, I lost more than just money at the casino.  Ironically, I was hardly upset about losing any money at all at the casino.  This is the first time I’ve stepped into that place in years.  I had a rough day today with certain things and I needed someone to talk to.  None of my friends in town were answering their phones at the time so I thought to call my lost love from far away.  I guess I freaked him out with my situation.

I wasn’t upset about losing any money.

I was upset about him.

My whole world came crashing down when he deleted me.

Just the other day he was telling me to calm down when I told him I couldn’t save up money to visit him since work keeps calling me off for weeks.  Just the other day he kept telling me, “Don’t talk like that” I spoke in a way where I was truly hopeless of us ever being properly together.

I didn’t want to make him my entire life, but he was a huge part of my entire life for the few months he was in it.  I’m in the middle of writing a story about him that he loves reading!  Why delete me before the story ends!  I was the happiest talking to him.  I didn’t even get to make it to wish him a happy birthday on his birthday which is in five days.  He sent me a birthday message on mine and I was looking forward to saying something on his.  Now judging by the fact that he deleted me, I’m not going to.

I’ve liked people a lot before, but not as much as I’ve liked my biggest “what if?”

When he didn’t want to give me ten minutes of his time to talk to him on the phone, instead he deleted me, I honestly day dreamed images inside my head of me ending my life.  I thought he’d at least be there for me if other people couldn’t be there for me at the time.

I’ve never felt like ending my life when things didn’t work out with someone.  I always moved on and was accepting of the fact that I could do better.

With my biggest “what if?”  we never got proper chance to hang out in person although I know he would have enjoyed my company so much with the way we talk to each other on video chat and text.

I’m sorry we were too impatient to wait for a time where we could hang out for more than a day.

I didn’t mean it when I said for him to go find girls in his town if he’s so impatient for the long distance to happen. I wanted him to try more to be in my life than he was currently being.  I wanted him to go back to talking to me the way we used to talk when we first started talking.  Is he so busy now that he’s currently ignoring my messages when he’d used to respond to me all day every day, and even be the first one to text me?!  I love when he would used to text me first lots of times.  That showed me I was on his mind.

I miss that feel on the first day we “met.”

If I had at least a 40-hour work week, I wouldn’t have this much time to think about things.

This is Unreal.

A while back, I had met a new friend from a catering event.  I forget what I called him in those posts, but I’ll just say Aaron for now.

Anyway, Aaron is this black guy I wasn’t attracted to at all.

When we hung out as friends last year, and he tried to hold my hand, I flinched away.  Pretty sure I made it very clear I wasn’t interested.

Just because it is my birthday tomorrow does not mean I want birthday sex from you.  How the hell are you going to try and say I should fuck you on my birthday while I am talking to you about a guy I am in love with and I can’t see because that guy is far away?

On top of that, you want me to hang out with you even though you told me to treat you to Applebee’s even though it is my birthday and shouldn’t it be the other way around?  I really don’t want to hang out with you period, especially after you said you wanted to take me to your place to hook up with me and I don’t do that with people I don’t like and I’m not attracted to in that way.

This is so frustrating.  I’m sick of this kind of degrading shit around my town.

I’m waiting one day for where I can hang out with the person I want to be with.  I don’t care how far away you are.  I’ll wait for you for when we can hang out more.  I don’t want these guys in my town.  I don’t.

What a dog!~

My Journey to Something New


My Journey to Something New

I have never been in a true long distance relationship.  Michigan to Indiana isn’t too far.  I can be in Michigan in an instant.  I was just in Kalamazoo not too long ago for a video shoot.  I won’t count visiting someone in Michigan years ago, especially since we occasionally visit Michigan here and there.  I’m talking states down, states further away.  I’ve visited friends whenever they moved to a different state, but we weren’t dating, just friends visiting each other.  I haven’t actually ever really wanted a life with someone who lives far away until now.  How do people do it?  How do they do it?  People ask me how I do something like this, that they could never do something like that.  I didn’t think I could, either.  In fact, whenever I would meet previous Internet friends I still keep in touch with who were interested in me as more, I always said I just only wanted to be friends because I would prefer it if I didn’t do long distance, especially since I am on a budget right now trying to save for a car.  With the right person, I can.

For now, all we can be is good friends getting to know each other better each day.  I used to think I couldn’t ever feel real ridiculous “like” for someone over the computer I haven’t physically met in person, that they would mainly be Internet friends who have fun talking to each other from time to time, until I started video chatting.  I know someone from my high school graduating class and she is in a long distance engagement I think.  They’ve been dating for years and are now getting married soon.  I’m not that close of friends with her anymore, don’t think I ever was, but her getting engaged to someone in Denver while we are here in Indiana gives me hope for my situation.  I wish my interest won’t give up and I think my interest is a little closer [still far, but closer] than Colorado to Indiana.  My heart belongs to him down south, a southern boy.

I know these things take time, but I have a good feeling that if we hung out once in person we’d know what we’d ultimately want from each other.  I know it’s kind of pointless to make our relationship official right now when we can’t even meet at this point.  However, in my heart, I just know.  There have been other men to try to talk to me: in my hometown, and in other states that I am not particularly interested in having a relationship with because I am determined to beat all odds this time.  I don’t want to give up on this the way I gave up on my last Indiana hope before I climb mountains for my man.

I’m just so afraid you’ll meet someone before both of our schedules are free to see each other.  I’m so afraid and I don’t want that to happen because if you meet someone from your hometown, then I can’t talk to you anymore.  I know I told you I won’t be talking to anyone else any time soon in that way.  I ended things finally with my last Indiana boy and told Charley he can’t keep playing around with me when I’m trying to have a relationship.  I won’t ever forget Charley.  He was a truly big inspiration in my life working 12 hours a day, going to college and taking care of his two kids at 21-years-old.  He also learned the lessons I taught him in life to become a better person.  His friends before he met me, I have a feeling didn’t tell him to grow up even though he is 21 with two children.  Since he met me, he became more mature.  I won’t forget him for that reason that a man from my hometown finally listened to what I was trying to say, it’s just that he has a life with someone else already and Charley needs to stick with it.  I’m ready to begin my journey to something new and unknown.

Fun Fact #4: Real Talk for a Minute, No Fantasies

Baby, you don’t even know what you do to me.  I keep imagining how much FUN we would have if we were to meet in person with all the things that we have talked about: snowboarding, skiing, surfing, etc.  Since you’re by mountains, maybe hiking one day?  A picnic in a hidden area in the mountains.  If we both get lost hiking we’d have each other, but I hope we won’t get lost, lol.

I’ve really wanted to meet a person I like from in person just like you wanted to as well, but I seriously give up in defeat.  Honestly, you think I don’t want to meet someone with an epic story in person?  I do.  I get it, letting fate deal its hands unexpectedly.  Well you were unexpected, too.  I have a feeling a person I like I’m going to meet is from online.  Whenever I talk with you, I don’t feel like we’re about sex at all, even though you make me wanna show you things on cam I wouldn’t show others.  I have real conversations with you because I know you also like me for my personality and not just my looks.  Some people I run into only care about how I look and it’s not just about that.  I get happy whenever you text me, and then get sad whenever we don’t talk.  You light up my life currently, I hope you know.  I know we all need our space and don’t need to talk all the time, but since it would be long distance do things change?  Sometimes when we don’t talk for a while, I feel like you’re not interested anymore, but then we get to talking again and it goes from there.

I would move for you if it came to that point.  I know you’ve stayed at your job longer and I want to get out of Indiana.  Never in a million years did I imagine I’d be in your state for anything.  I’ve always wanted to move to California or New York and did not have your state in mind at all before I met you.

You must be so wonderful in person to be around, and have a bubbly personality.  I hope we shall meet some day soon.  Girls are stupid not giving you a chance from what you’ve told me and why.  I don’t want you to move to Indiana.  I think there’s something in the waters in Indiana that makes most people act shitty and you might turn into a person I won’t like in the end if you were the one to move to where I am.  I’m shocked I’m still a decent person considering all the morons here I’ve had to deal with daily you’d think they’d turn me into a moron.  There are very few decent people here: men and women alike.  I was discussing this with a friend today that most women where we are don’t give two shits if a guy is married, taken or has a family, they’ll get the D anywhere they can and only have concerns for their needs.  I mean, after all, I’m looking for someone in a different state and don’t want to go back to square one.


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