Tonight, I lost more than just money at the casino. Ironically, I was hardly upset about losing any money at all at the casino. This is the first time I’ve stepped into that place in years. I had a rough day today with certain things and I needed someone to talk to. None of my friends in town were answering their phones at the time so I thought to call my lost love from far away. I guess I freaked him out with my situation.
I wasn’t upset about losing any money.
I was upset about him.
My whole world came crashing down when he deleted me.
Just the other day he was telling me to calm down when I told him I couldn’t save up money to visit him since work keeps calling me off for weeks. Just the other day he kept telling me, “Don’t talk like that” I spoke in a way where I was truly hopeless of us ever being properly together.
I didn’t want to make him my entire life, but he was a huge part of my entire life for the few months he was in it. I’m in the middle of writing a story about him that he loves reading! Why delete me before the story ends! I was the happiest talking to him. I didn’t even get to make it to wish him a happy birthday on his birthday which is in five days. He sent me a birthday message on mine and I was looking forward to saying something on his. Now judging by the fact that he deleted me, I’m not going to.
I’ve liked people a lot before, but not as much as I’ve liked my biggest “what if?”
When he didn’t want to give me ten minutes of his time to talk to him on the phone, instead he deleted me, I honestly day dreamed images inside my head of me ending my life. I thought he’d at least be there for me if other people couldn’t be there for me at the time.
I’ve never felt like ending my life when things didn’t work out with someone. I always moved on and was accepting of the fact that I could do better.
With my biggest “what if?” we never got proper chance to hang out in person although I know he would have enjoyed my company so much with the way we talk to each other on video chat and text.
I’m sorry we were too impatient to wait for a time where we could hang out for more than a day.
I didn’t mean it when I said for him to go find girls in his town if he’s so impatient for the long distance to happen. I wanted him to try more to be in my life than he was currently being. I wanted him to go back to talking to me the way we used to talk when we first started talking. Is he so busy now that he’s currently ignoring my messages when he’d used to respond to me all day every day, and even be the first one to text me?! I love when he would used to text me first lots of times. That showed me I was on his mind.
I miss that feel on the first day we “met.”
If I had at least a 40-hour work week, I wouldn’t have this much time to think about things.