As I check out Mike sitting next to me and we’re talking about whatever, I notice how cute he is up close. Plus the fact that he’s considerate and respectable, nearby, can hang out whenever we can hang out. And I’m blabbing on and on about another guy who doesn’t care to see me right now, is far away, one I probably might never see (unfortunately). What the hell am I doing with my life?!
Mike and I have different work schedules so we would probably only be able to hang out during the weekends if at all. I wish I could at least see a person more than once a week. Is twice too much to ask? We also, just don’t have the schedules for that.
And then I close my eyes, every time I close my eyes I imagine Travis. I can’t. As painful as it is waiting, wondering if someone will come around who might never come around, I feel bad leading Mike on that he would just be someone to pass the time with until I can be with Travis and I don’t want to do that to someone so I’d rather be by myself and am accepting if Mike doesn’t call me back. I’m glad he acted like a true friend should act and didn’t pressure me to do anything I didn’t want to do.
I go about my day thinking I’m finally over the fact that Travis and I will just never be.
And then, I close my eyes and imagine all our wonderful moments.
I’m not going to lie I know I’m obsessed and no one has to tell me.
First step is to accepting the fact one is. I’m not obsessed in a bad psychotic way,
I’m just heart broken obsessed. It’s not like I’m blasting Travis with texts or anything like that all the time the way psychotic malicious guys show up to my house when I don’t answer their calls and stuff like that. I haven’t talked to him in a while. If Travis lived nearby me, I wouldn’t show up to his house when he doesn’t want to talk the way inconsiderate guys here do that to me.
I don’t do anything to Travis the way some unwanted guys are psychotic obsessed with me.
I just sit and wait, and wait for the day that might never come.
How I imagine finally being with someone after longing for so long, how that day would BE!
Is there a story out there where someone longs for something for so long and you finally get a chance to be with that person?
Every time someone says to me, “You’re obsessed with him,” I’m like
“I know I am. He’s all I ever think about and it drives me nuts because I don’t want to think about him but my brain and my heart won’t let me think about something else.” Why do people think I draw, read, and write? To distract myself from thinking about him.
I don’t want to be obsessed with Travis because it’s messing things up with a nice guy here who actually treats me well! I already messed it up I know Mike’s not going to call me again. Probably for the best because like I said before, Mike would just be another person to keep me company, not someone I actually do want to be with.
If Travis ever sees me he knows I’m not going to do anything dangerous to him. I will just love him with all that I have. When I love someone, I love someone and give it my all. I don’t half-ass love. And there’s not that many people I have ever fallen in love with. I’ve had huge crushes on people but I knew it wasn’t love.
This right here, is the realest love I have ever given to someone and it’s just unfortunate it might not work out. I’ve only probably ever been in love with one other person [and it sure as heck wasn't my 'ex' of 5-years who was just someone to hang out with because that was the only person that would hang out with me on a consistent basis at the time and I got so sick of my 'ex' and his ways that I'm better off alone than keeping him as company.]