My Journey to You

Read about the obstacles that I went through to meet the right person for me.

My Biggest “What if?”

Tonight, I lost more than just money at the casino.  Ironically, I was hardly upset about losing any money at all at the casino.  This is the first time I’ve stepped into that place in years.  I had a rough day today with certain things and I needed someone to talk to.  None of my friends in town were answering their phones at the time so I thought to call my lost love from far away.  I guess I freaked him out with my situation.

I wasn’t upset about losing any money.

I was upset about him.

My whole world came crashing down when he deleted me.

Just the other day he was telling me to calm down when I told him I couldn’t save up money to visit him since work keeps calling me off for weeks.  Just the other day he kept telling me, “Don’t talk like that” I spoke in a way where I was truly hopeless of us ever being properly together.

I didn’t want to make him my entire life, but he was a huge part of my entire life for the few months he was in it.  I’m in the middle of writing a story about him that he loves reading!  Why delete me before the story ends!  I was the happiest talking to him.  I didn’t even get to make it to wish him a happy birthday on his birthday which is in five days.  He sent me a birthday message on mine and I was looking forward to saying something on his.  Now judging by the fact that he deleted me, I’m not going to.

I’ve liked people a lot before, but not as much as I’ve liked my biggest “what if?”

When he didn’t want to give me ten minutes of his time to talk to him on the phone, instead he deleted me, I honestly day dreamed images inside my head of me ending my life.  I thought he’d at least be there for me if other people couldn’t be there for me at the time.

I’ve never felt like ending my life when things didn’t work out with someone.  I always moved on and was accepting of the fact that I could do better.

With my biggest “what if?”  we never got proper chance to hang out in person although I know he would have enjoyed my company so much with the way we talk to each other on video chat and text.

I’m sorry we were too impatient to wait for a time where we could hang out for more than a day.

I didn’t mean it when I said for him to go find girls in his town if he’s so impatient for the long distance to happen. I wanted him to try more to be in my life than he was currently being.  I wanted him to go back to talking to me the way we used to talk when we first started talking.  Is he so busy now that he’s currently ignoring my messages when he’d used to respond to me all day every day, and even be the first one to text me?!  I love when he would used to text me first lots of times.  That showed me I was on his mind.

I miss that feel on the first day we “met.”

If I had at least a 40-hour work week, I wouldn’t have this much time to think about things.

Aw, #cute YouTube videos of #LDRs

I’m bored so I’ve been going to YouTube looking up other people’s long distance stories and some of them have videos! They are so cute.  I hope to make one some day to go along with my story.  That would be a video of our journey.  Work needs to call me back to work already. I’m serious. I like this vacation, but, yeah…

[If Sweden to USA can make it then we can, too!  I know right now nothing can happen, though with our schedules.]

Stress, Hopeful, Spring Break #writing

While I do love the job that I’m at, it’s very stressful.  Sometimes things will happen and we get laid off for a couple of weeks so they can figure out whatever is going on and then they’ll call us back.  I can hardly ever save up for a new car and it’s pissing me off because every time I get paid it has to go to next month’s rent.  I hope that after I publish my novel, it will get the recognition it deserves and at least I’ll have a little something to bounce back on while I wait to return to the job.  Never judge a book by its cover.  Just because I’m not starting out as a more known writer, doesn’t mean I’m not “verified” because my presence isn’t known to the Internet yet.  I’ve been writing forever, I just haven’t shown people things until this past year.  Practicing in my privacy.

I was kind of praying for a week off so I can visit my dog and finish this blasted novel and my prayers were answered.  Although I could use the money, I haven’t been feeling like working up to my usual potential, especially at a department I’m not usually at and the way they run things over at this other department is different from my original department I was assigned to.  I also didn’t like getting up at 5:45 a.m.  I need my one to two hours of relaxation before work starts, period.  I’m starting to like second shift better.  I cannot wait until we return to our normal hours.  For now, I am going to take one day at a time, and enjoy this time off.

Hopefully my other prayers will be answered that I need badly to be answered.  *crosses fingers*

Good Day, Good Evening, and I Screwed Up a Good Thing #blog #storytime

Good Day

I first started off the day by going to a professional Photo Shoot for a bridal shower and took pictures for them, being a photographer’s assistant.  We got great free food.  The woman who it was for was really sweet and nice and she’s very lucky to be able to be with the one person she wants in the whole wide world.  I saw some wedding pictures of women in wedding dresses…man, how I would look in one of those.  I’m not anywhere near close to that day.  I can’t get there when I don’t have a starting place to begin to get there.

I just kept crying mentally to myself how I see her toasting to her and her group of good girl friends who didn’t back stab her.  I wouldn’t be able to have a  bridal shower because I don’t know that many women to rent a small room since most of them back stabbed me for no reason.  I can’t count on two hands of how many women I’m friends with.  It would probably be a get together at my house if I ever had my special day, if I ever, ever, did. . .

Good Evening

Aaron called me again today asking what I was doing when I specifically told him yesterday I wouldn’t be able to hang out [with him] for a long time.  He’s the pushy black guy who won’t leave me alone.  Can he seriously not take a hint?  Damn!

I had a pleasant evening with my new friend Mike but I probably screwed up any future hang out plans because I kept talking about how depressed I was over this long distance thing and did not know what to do anymore and he said,

“There’s a reason why I tend to avoid those in the first place,” he consoled me.

“I used to say that to myself until I met, him,” I sighed in frustration.

“From all of my friends that I’ve seen that have done the Internet long distance thing, it’s never ended up well,” my new friend Mark said.

“What’s so special about him why can’t you stop whatever with him and talk to someone here, just be Internet friends with him?” he continues.

“Nothing is so special about Travis,” I lied.  Only that my intuition tells me if we were to work at being together we’d be one of the greatest loves of all time.

Mike and I are sitting at a bar we haven’t been to in a long time after eating a huge meal of sushi and tempura at another restaurant.  I’m stuffed.

“If you REALLY liked a girl eight hours away wouldn’t you at least visit her one time some day?”  I asked.

“Yes, I would.  No doubt about that,” Mike says.

“Find someone here,” Mike keeps saying as I continue to look at him in silence of how Mike would be the person I would talk to here but I’m screwing it up badly talking about another guy.  The one guy who I would talk to in town fifteen minutes away who isn’t a douche bag, I probably fucked it up.

I fuck myself over more than I want to.  I kept asking the stars in silence why couldn’t I have met Mike before I met Travis then I would have no problem to still want to talk to Mike and not mention other guys!!!  I wouldn’t blame Mike if he doesn’t want to call me back as friends.  Even though we did have an overall good evening, he kept saying he’s so sorry things aren’t working out with me and whoever.

I said I’m glad I got out of the house with him because I haven’t gotten out in the longest time and thanked him for this good evening.

I’m pretty good at reading people and even though we talked about hanging out again next time, we probably won’t.  I really don’t blame Mike if he doesn’t call me back.  I’ve been right about a lot of things I wish I wasn’t right about so judging by my streak with predicting how things will go for the worse, Mike probably won’t want to hang out again knowing how depressed I am about stuff.  I wouldn’t want to talk to a girl who is acting like this, either if I were a guy.  There’s only two things that can make me happy right now:  that’s my dog and “Travis” and I can’t see either easily.

I know why Travis is the way he is because he can’t see me any time soon.  He just needs one night with me to figure it all out.  Fucking A.  Just one night in person.  Whatever happened to “one day?”  I feel it’s never going to come at this rate. :(

Doesn’t Travis like the way we make each other feel like we’re in the clouds ALLLLL the time?  I don’t want that feeling to go the way and no one else makes me feel this way. :’-(

Convenient Dilemma.

Today, Aaron (recap:  he’s this black guy in his 30s who I met from catering still trying to hit on me who I am not interested in I don’t know what I have to say for him to take a hint, honestly, I’ve tried everything to be nice about it and he just keeps being extremely pushy any chance he sees and I’m about to be blunt again that just because I can’t see the person I want doesn’t mean I should try for someone in town.  Love isn’t about being CONVENIENT.)

Aaron showed up at my apartment without notifying me he was to be here once again.  I HATE when he does that.  I had just gotten off work and didn’t feel like going anywhere.  I think he thinks just because he showed up I am obligated to hang out with him: newsflash – no I’m not.  Especially when his house is like ten minutes away it’s not out of the way for him to go back.  I once again, brought up to Aaron about my long distance interest and how blindly in love I am with Travis!  What part of that does Aaron not get?  I see no one else but Travis and it doesn’t matter to me if he is far away.

I honestly feel so lost thinking it won’t work out because I can’t see myself with anyone else.  Travis just gets me.  I’ve never talked to someone as much as I talked to Travis, well used to talk to anyway.  There was only one other townie long ago who I talked to as much as Travis.  I don’t want to be wrong again.  I can’t work at this if I’m the only one working for it.

I’m remembering all the reasons I am holding onto Travis for so long: because when we do have our moments, long distance wise: it is how a long distance “relationship” should be when you can’t see each other in person.  What is my real dilemma?

When a complete stranger asked two nights ago if I needed a car ride, who was kind enough to ask me for one after I had walked for an hour and still had another hour and a half to go, I made a new friend.  I have never tried to date someone my age – that’s because most guy my age are immature where I live and have encountered.  I just don’t feel that intensity with Mike or Aaron, the way I feel about Travis.  I felt the chills the first day I talked to Travis.

If I were to talk to someone in my town it would be Mike.  Mike’s a respectable guy it’s just too bad I didn’t meet him before I met Travis.  We should stay friends for a while even though I think Mike is interested in being more.  Being in a relationship just ruins thing.  A prime example: remember the way Travis and I would used to stay up late with each other on video chat a lot and talk all day?  Now that hardly happens, if at all.  I miss that feeling you give me, babe because no one else gives me that feeling I think it’s true.  I wish you would work for this as much as I want it to work because I know how our first *KISS* would be.  Like I said to you before, if you think it won’t work out then it won’t.

Something that’s always bugged me.

I used to have this one “friend” who would “steal” my friends even though she has her own friends.  I don’t know if she did it unintentionally or what, but either way, my so-called “friends” would forget about me and talk to her more.  On Facebook, I was in a defriending mood.

One guy who keeps in touch with her more than he does me noticed I removed him.  He messaged and added me back after a while joking he was offended I removed him.  Yesterday, he didn’t say happy birthday to me, but he would say happy birthday to her.  I don’t know if I should remove him again.  I thought that would make him get a wake up call to keep in touch with me more, but no.

I don’t know if this would bug anyone else.  Would you get pissed at so-called “friends” who ditch you, will remember the friend you introduced them to birthdays but doesn’t say anything to you on your own?  I don’t get what’s their way of thinking.  Did they forget that they used to talk to me and hang out with me before they met that, bitch?  She’s ruined a lot of friendships for me because most of my guy friends who used to be close with me want to hook up with her after they meet her and they stop talking to me because things get awkward or because they’re just douche bags but they’ll keep in touch with her.

In a way, she did me a favor because I don’t have time for fake friends!  So she can keep those fake friends.  If it weren’t for her, though, I’d still have some of my friends and more people to talk to than I do now.  Then again, I’d rather keep my few real friends that I have than a whole bunch of fake ones any day!

My Journey to You Chapter 8: Life

How can you “know” in less than a month and a half, in less than two weeks that you “love” someone or you get engaged with them after only a month of dating?

All I know is that you can’t fully know a person in one month to decide you want to be engaged to them already and I think people who do that in one month are either extremely desperate and/or pathetic.  You better be prepared to sign prenups if you want to get married in one month.  How do you think you make people feel who prepare a lifetime for marriage and you think you can decide in one month already, without even LIVING with the person!  People are with people for five years and they’re still not engaged.

I’m not talking about any of my friends who did this because it’s not as bad as some people I used to know who is engaged right now after only a month of dating.  If it’s a few months, sure, but when you don’t really have a basis to feel that way other than being wanted by someone and it plays mind tricks on you, you give marriage a bad name for those that get engaged into a mere few weeks/month of dating.

You don’t love someone after a week or two either, I don’t care how you think you feel you barely know someone in two weeks.

You don’t know how their habits are going to be until you get to live with them.

When I first started talking to the person I want to be with right now but can’t because of long distance, I like him a lot, but I never thought I loved him until we started talking more and more and it’s been more than a few weeks and more than a month.  I haven’t said this to him directly, either but I am in so much love with him, and hope I get to say it one day.  All of our conversations with each other makes me think so much about the future and I’ve never had that feeling before: about wanting to think about the future with someone.

I’ve even said to the person that I really like right now we both love talking to each other, but since it’s long distance and if we both decide we can’t wait and start talking to other people closer, then we can’t keep getting to know each other anymore and I don’t want that to happen.  I’m not looking to get married right off the bat.  I enjoy so much still getting to know him and talking to him, and when the time is right for that we can talk about that.  I don’t know if he’s worried that he thinks I want to be married soon since I’m 27 (28 tomorrow) and he’s only 19, but I’m not at all.  I just want to have something stable in my life because I’m sick of guys popping in and out of my life whenever they fucking please from my hometown.  I’d rather talk to him, knowing we’ll talk whenever we can every week long distance, than see someone who thinks he can show up into my life every other month.

We can’t get married right now anyway.  We don’t have reliable cars to drive 8-9 hours to see each other, but during this time, I’d still like to keep talking because I know it will be so wonderful if we ever meet.  I know if we keep going and don’t give up it could get to that point.  And I know it’s going to take a while, more than a few months, maybe even a year or two since I know he has to finish college, but just think of how great it would be when it finally does happen that it was worth the wait.


I was “with” someone for five years just to keep me company, but I never felt like I wanted to marry him and I was glad he never asked.  He was such a child always asking me to pay for him and with him being older I thought he would have been far more accomplished than me, especially when he has an education degree from college he could have gotten a real teaching job instead of just substitute teaching.  I would have loved to get a teaching degree and I see people waste it when they have it.  I can’t get a teaching job with a General Studies degree because I didn’t know what exactly I wanted to do in college since I can do many things.  I know plenty of people who would have loved for me to be a teacher, but because I don’t have that damn teaching degree I can’t take teaching jobs and I love my new job I’m at right now.  I like my schedule and don’t have to wake up 6 A.M. every day.

My Journey to You Chapter 7: Good Times, Good Times

You know you’ve got a great job when nearly everything you do reminds you of sexual innuendos, hahahahahaha.

I made a good friend at my new job who takes me to work.  She’s hilarious.  I had her cracking up all night when I was saying innuendos.

She says to me, “You need to get laid.  That’s why you’re referencing it all the time and you don’t even notice.”

Then another co-worker joked I watch porn because I can’t get any.  I don’t even watch porn, psht.  Honest.

[Oh, I’m not even gonna try to be discreet about that, yes I do need to get laid. Argh, for having standards.  Sometimes I wish I could just hook up with someone and not care because getting feelings for someone is what ends up hurting a person in the end when things don’t work out.  I’m still going to try and have a good outlook on a rather hopeless situation because I love floating on cloud 9, I do.  I just wish we could talk more than we do right now!  It’s always a hit or miss.]

For example, I was cleaning and inspecting parts in a way where she said I looked like I was jacking someone off.  I didn’t even really think about how it looked until she said something and the way things were said even though it’s proper instructions to do things are the best innuendos.

An older African gentleman at work of course was shocked to find out how old I’m turning on Sunday.  He’s like, “No way.  You’re not going to be that old.  You look really young.”

“Yep, I have no one in our hometown for me.  It’s just me, myself, and I.  No children except for my dog.  One day I’ll become a mom, hopefully with the right person.  For now, I’m just paying off all my bills.”

He said to me, “My wife and I have two boys and I can tell you’d be a really good mom someday when you have children.”

That comment just made me gush.  Everyone was complimenting me today.  My bosses just told me I was the best freaking quality inspector for the production line in history since they started that line out of everyone that has worked it.  I like this work environment.  It’s a pleasant place where people have a sense of humor and can joke around, not be too serious all the time.

If I’m a top worker, I know I’d be a damn good mom to my future kids if I ever get to have any, and a damn good girlfriend/wife.  Sigh…

I know I’d be good with teaching future kids respect, morals, and not letting people treat them like they’re worth nothing.

Right now, I’m okay with not having any children.  I’m struggling to live myself and I don’t want to bring any children to live in my sucky situation right now.  When I have children, I want to be properly prepared.  So for now, I’m just having fun with myself and getting all my bills paid to where I only have the regular daily bills to worry about and not extra things like student loans, etc.

My Journey to You Chapter 6: A Friendly Reminder to Me

Charley was the last man I talked to in my hometown before I gave up on my state and started to look elsewhere.  He wasn’t like any of the other men I talked to before him.  The whole reason why I liked him in the first place was because at such a young age 21-years-old, he was already working 12-hour shifts everyday, going to college on top of that.  He honestly makes me wonder what the hell I did at 21-years-old.  I’m not sure how much he relied on his parents and his wife’s parents for support, but he himself, has a decent paying job where I met him at to take care of his kids on his own.  We don’t work together anymore.  I found another job.  Charley makes my 5-year fling with an “ex,” he makes my “ex” look so much like a scrub, and my “ex” is 28-years-old.

All I did at 21-years-old was live in the dorms and finish college, barely work part-time and I have no children.  I didn’t think he’d have time for anything else then I find out he has two small children.  At the time I was unsure if he was still with the mother of his children.  I was willing to let my usual deal breaker of not hanging out with a man who has children slide.  It’s really not that I’m insecure of his history with what would have been his ex.  I’d just rather not talk to her, not see her.  And here in my hometown, some bitches actually want to start drama with a girlfriend/wife when I’d rather not see nor talk to one period!  Honestly, though.

I never did anything at all with Charley.  We just talked as friends, but I did say I liked him.  He tried to be friends with me after we argued, it’s just that, it was too weird and awkward for me.  I can’t keep in contact with him.  It sucks because I think we both need more friends and only talk to barely any other people at all.  I think that’s why he sometimes called me out of the blue after I thought he would have forgotten about me.  Then one day, his wife called me for no good reason, actually.  I could have been friends with her, too, since I need to hang out with more women instead of mostly men all the time, it’s just that the situation was SO weird.  She wasn’t malicious in her phone call, she actually sounded like a decent person.  I know she was about to ask me a question but I wasn’t going to let her finish her question and hung up on her.  That call sent me a friendly reminder that there are some deal breakers I should keep:  Do not date someone who has to keep in contact with his ex and/or with children.  I will make no exceptions ever again, no matter how ambitious a man is.

Charley was a man who had huge tattoos all over his arms and didn’t seem like a father figure at all: SO wrong for me.  Some people think I was a huge college partier and I’m like, NOPE!  I’ve only been to three or four parties tops in my life, mostly working.  I used to go out sometimes in college, but not that much.  I’m glad I didn’t have anything with Charley because I met the most amazing man for me after Charley.  Although it is long distance, my friends are keeping their fingers crossed that it will work out with Travis and me.  I am hoping so, too.

My Journey to You Chapter 5: An Unsent Letter

Every time I can’t sleep, I always stay up to write.  The other day, I think I wrote probably one of the most sincerest things to someone in the history of all my writings.  I can’t publish what I wrote but I wish I could.  Maybe if after he reads it one day and he says I can publish it will I publish it then.  I mean every word I say in that unsent letter that hasn’t been read yet nor sent and I hope one day I get to send it and that I’m not the only one who will see the genuine cares in that unsent letter.  Perhaps I might not publish it even if he says I could, but as long as he reads it one day and listens to what I am trying to tell him, I know my words won’t go wasted.

I wish so much for the message to be heard by the person I want to send it to.  I want to give him this letter if he ever visits me.  My birthday is coming up in about two weeks.  It would be awesome, so awesome if he could visit me then!  Perfect: wrapped in a bow and all and the perfect timing to visit me: the best birthday present anyone could ever ask for.  After all my shortcomings this past year I have had to deal with, this visit would be the cherry on top of my sundae to brighten my spirits.

I’m not sure if my roommates will be in town and/or if I will be alone.  I know my one roommate won’t be back until the day after my birthday.  I don’t know where my other roommate will be.  I just don’t want to spend my birthday alone.  As long as I talk to my favorite people, be it online and/or in person, I will have a great day.

My best friend Doretta and I chatted once about writing a person you like a letter.  I told her I like writing things out because I will remember exactly what I want to say to the person and I won’t forget to mention something.  She agreed.  Depending on the situation, it’s not necessarily a “pussy” way out of things or way into things.  I read an article once saying lately that handwritten letters are dead nowadays.  They haven’t met me, then.  I still write letters to the right person when I can, and hand written ones on top of that.  It shows you spent time with what you wanted to say to the person, took the time to write it out, instead of typing it in an e-mail in like five seconds flat.  It came from the heart.

Something happened today which didn’t surprise me.  I’m not at all bothered by it.  Now this other person who was trying to talk to me who I really wasn’t interested in to begin with won’t try to talk to me anymore, whew.  Jake from Texas was trying to get me to show him things on cam and I honestly didn’t want to at all.  I wish even on cam, when a girl says no she doesn’t want to show someone, I wish they’d stop pressuring me to.  If I wanted to show them things, it wouldn’t be that hard to get it out of me.  Jake would try to talk to me in that way and I wasn’t even thinking about him in the slightest.  I knew he would do what he did.  I could tell he wanted one thing from me.  My Woman’s Intuition strikes again.  Even if it’s on cam, people still play like that, it’s ridiculous.  I wasn’t interested anyway I don’t know why he still wanted to try to talk to me knowing I know how Jake plays.  There’s only one person who doesn’t have to play hard-to-get with me to show him sexy things and I will strip in an instant.  You don’t know what you do to me.