“I don’t want you anymore,” I said.
“But you wrote a book about me and everything that we wished we could be,” he pleaded.
“You didn’t wait for me. I waited for you. I wanted to be your first in a long time just like you are mine. You saw how much it is going to take to be with me and you didn’t want to do it. I don’t want you anymore after you have been touched by someone else while I waited for you and you didn’t come,” I did not want to look at someone who would not wait for me.
“I know you are lying,” he tries to hold me in a hug.
He’s right I am lying. I still want him as much as I did the first day we started talking online.
The longing that I have for him is indeed unbearable no matter how much he has hurt me, I still cannot deny my soul mate.
I don’t want to be that girl to take him back and let him think he can do this to me. I don’t want to be that girl. I know he went with someone else for a while because he thought we could never be together due to the 600 miles and thousands of other obstacles in between. He thought it was impossible to be with me.
I also know, that once we met in person he will be all about me and only about me and will never want it from anyone else.
“You..touched someone else. You…” He cuts me off.
“I have only ever loved one person and one person only. I never loved anyone else. You have my heart. I just thought I could never be with you,” he finally looks down and stops trying to embrace me.
“You know I was writing a book about you, us, and you knew no one else would want to be with me knowing I will never love them. And you still went with someone else knowing you will never love her. Was it worth it?” I hate him as much as I love him.
“No. It wasn’t worth it at all. I cannot take back what I did, but I know from this day forward it will ever be only me and you. I promise with everything no one and nothing will try to break us apart ever again. I am sorry for making things more difficult than they need to be. I am sorry I didn’t try to see you. I am a coward,” was that just an honest apology he said?
Somehow I knew that once we met, he would never hurt me again. The longing for each other was driving both of us mad! We just needed to see each other in person.
People keep trying to convince us to forget about each other.
“It’s never going to work. He’s too far and you guys have to do a lot to be together,” some say.
Still, it’s nice to dream about a small family that never got to be born. It does relax me so much thinking about what could have been. I cannot forget my own lost family. Trying to have that life with anyone else is just betrayal.
How he can kiss someone he doesn’t love, I don’t know how he does it. I know I cannot do it.
I am on my own forever. I cannot bear the thought to have someone else’s children and I would probably leave another man because I will never love that other man and Mr. Unknown should be with someone who loves him. I don’t want that half/half family. I am trying my damn best to have a whole one before it becomes broken.
I have warned him the same if he ever has some one else’s children because he gave up on us, I don’t think I will take him back, either. I don’t want to raise someone else’s children when they were supposed to be mine with him in the first place.
I sigh, imagining a solitude life…never to have my own family. I’m always on my own.
At least I get to do whatever I want whenever I want but that gets boring eventually. I want to spend money on the one I love who loves me the same and would do the same. I want a lot of things.
Oh well. Some of the best always get shafted.