I first started off the day by going to a professional Photo Shoot for a bridal shower and took pictures for them, being a photographer’s assistant. We got great free food. The woman who it was for was really sweet and nice and she’s very lucky to be able to be with the one person she wants in the whole wide world. I saw some wedding pictures of women in wedding dresses…man, how I would look in one of those. I’m not anywhere near close to that day. I can’t get there when I don’t have a starting place to begin to get there.
I just kept crying mentally to myself how I see her toasting to her and her group of good girl friends who didn’t back stab her. I wouldn’t be able to have a bridal shower because I don’t know that many women to rent a small room since most of them back stabbed me for no reason. I can’t count on two hands of how many women I’m friends with. It would probably be a get together at my house if I ever had my special day, if I ever, ever, did. . .
Aaron called me again today asking what I was doing when I specifically told him yesterday I wouldn’t be able to hang out [with him] for a long time. He’s the pushy black guy who won’t leave me alone. Can he seriously not take a hint? Damn!
I had a pleasant evening with my new friend Mike but I probably screwed up any future hang out plans because I kept talking about how depressed I was over this long distance thing and did not know what to do anymore and he said,
“There’s a reason why I tend to avoid those in the first place,” he consoled me.
“I used to say that to myself until I met, him,” I sighed in frustration.
“From all of my friends that I’ve seen that have done the Internet long distance thing, it’s never ended up well,” my new friend Mark said.
“What’s so special about him why can’t you stop whatever with him and talk to someone here, just be Internet friends with him?” he continues.
“Nothing is so special about Travis,” I lied. Only that my intuition tells me if we were to work at being together we’d be one of the greatest loves of all time.
Mike and I are sitting at a bar we haven’t been to in a long time after eating a huge meal of sushi and tempura at another restaurant. I’m stuffed.
“If you REALLY liked a girl eight hours away wouldn’t you at least visit her one time some day?” I asked.
“Yes, I would. No doubt about that,” Mike says.
“Find someone here,” Mike keeps saying as I continue to look at him in silence of how Mike would be the person I would talk to here but I’m screwing it up badly talking about another guy. The one guy who I would talk to in town fifteen minutes away who isn’t a douche bag, I probably fucked it up.
I fuck myself over more than I want to. I kept asking the stars in silence why couldn’t I have met Mike before I met Travis then I would have no problem to still want to talk to Mike and not mention other guys!!! I wouldn’t blame Mike if he doesn’t want to call me back as friends. Even though we did have an overall good evening, he kept saying he’s so sorry things aren’t working out with me and whoever.
I said I’m glad I got out of the house with him because I haven’t gotten out in the longest time and thanked him for this good evening.
I’m pretty good at reading people and even though we talked about hanging out again next time, we probably won’t. I really don’t blame Mike if he doesn’t call me back. I’ve been right about a lot of things I wish I wasn’t right about so judging by my streak with predicting how things will go for the worse, Mike probably won’t want to hang out again knowing how depressed I am about stuff. I wouldn’t want to talk to a girl who is acting like this, either if I were a guy. There’s only two things that can make me happy right now: that’s my dog and “Travis” and I can’t see either easily.
I know why Travis is the way he is because he can’t see me any time soon. He just needs one night with me to figure it all out. Fucking A. Just one night in person. Whatever happened to “one day?” I feel it’s never going to come at this rate.
Doesn’t Travis like the way we make each other feel like we’re in the clouds ALLLLL the time? I don’t want that feeling to go the way and no one else makes me feel this way. :’-(