Chapter 2: Blue-Haired Freak Show

Chapter 2: Blue-Haired Freak Show

“What’s the craziest thing you have ever done for love?”

When J saw this question posted at a forum, she shared her experiences.  Of course, an ugly, jealous freak show judged her for what she did.  The same group of wannabe nuns seemed to always judge her no matter what she did.

J answered, “I have gambled my rent money before because I was wanting to get some quick cash and not have to borrow from other people.  I knew the risks anyway.”

Of course since it didn’t work out the way J wanted to, people had something to say about her gambling.  If J had won a million dollars would some people still be saying shit?  They’d want her money.  That was the ugly truth about gambling.

In particular, there was a poster named Dick.  Dick thought “she” was the most clever “unwitty” poster making a parody title of J’s post “A realization: I’m too nice.”  Dick made a post called, “A realization: I’m a Dick.”  This is why Blue-Haired Freak Show is called Dick, because she wants to be one! :)

J often noticed a lot of things about people who always judge her actions as if they wouldn’t do what she did if they were in her situation, they have their own issues that they take out on her.  It’s easy to say what you wouldn’t do when you’re not in a situation to say that you would or wouldn’t do something.  If the situation actually happens and you desperately wanted to see the one you love, how far would you go?

Who was this Blue-Haired Freak Show calling her an idiot for that and saying all these crude things?

Was that a man or a woman, even? J couldn’t tell what gender this poster was.

Ew, at that Dick was in a relationship with somebody!  J often wondered who would put up with such wanna-be “self-righteous do-gooders” who seem to love knocking people when they’re down already?

Nightmares Always Come True

“I don’t want you anymore,” I said.

“But you wrote a book about me and everything that we wished we could be,” he pleaded.

“You didn’t wait for me.  I waited for you.  I wanted to be your first in a long time just like you are mine.  You saw how much it is going to take to be with me and you didn’t want to do it.  I don’t want you anymore after you have been touched by someone else while I waited for you and you didn’t come,” I did not want to look at someone who would not wait for me.

“I know you are lying,” he tries to hold me in a hug.

He’s right I am lying.  I still want him as much as I did the first day we started talking online.

The longing that I have for him is indeed unbearable no matter how much he has hurt me, I still cannot deny my soul mate.

I don’t want to be that girl to take him back and let him think he can do this to me.  I don’t want to be that girl.  I know he went with someone else for a while because he thought we could never be together due to the 600 miles and thousands of other obstacles in between.  He thought it was impossible to be with me.

I also know, that once we met in person he will be all about me and only about me and will never want it from anyone else.

“You..touched someone else.  You…”  He cuts me off.

“I have only ever loved one person and one person only.  I never loved anyone else.  You have my heart.  I just thought I could never be with you,” he finally looks down and stops trying to embrace me.

“You know I was writing a book about you, us, and you knew no one else would want to be with me knowing I will never love them.  And you still went with someone else knowing you will never love her.  Was it worth it?”  I hate him as much as I love him.

“No.  It wasn’t worth it at all.  I cannot take back what I did, but I know from this day forward it will ever be only me and you.  I promise with everything no one and nothing will try to break us apart ever again.  I am sorry for making things more difficult than they need to be.  I am sorry I didn’t try to see you.  I am a coward,” was that just an honest apology he said?

Somehow I knew that once we met, he would never hurt me again.  The longing for each other was driving both of us mad!  We just needed to see each other in person.

People keep trying to convince us to forget about each other.

“It’s never going to work.  He’s too far and you guys have to do a lot to be together,” some say.

Still, it’s nice to dream about a small family that never got to be born.  It does relax me so much thinking about what could have been.  I cannot forget my own lost family.  Trying to have that life with anyone else is just betrayal.

How he can kiss someone he doesn’t love, I don’t know how he does it.  I know I cannot do it.

I am on my own forever.  I cannot bear the thought to have someone else’s children and I would probably leave another man because I will never love that other man and Mr. Unknown should be with someone who loves him.  I don’t want that half/half family.  I am trying my damn best to have a whole one before it becomes broken.

I have warned him the same if he ever has some one else’s children because he gave up on us, I don’t think I will take him back, either.  I don’t want to raise someone else’s children when they were supposed to be mine with him in the first place.

I sigh, imagining a solitude life…never to have my own family.  I’m always on my own.

At least I get to do whatever I want whenever I want but that gets boring eventually.  I want to spend money on the one I love who loves me the same and would do the same.  I want a lot of things.

Oh well.  Some of the best always get shafted.

Fed Up!

The other day I sent my lost love messages saying how much he ruined my life longing for him and him not even wanting to try out a long distance and that I’m never going to have the dream family I always wanted because it wouldn’t feel right with anyone else.  Since he’s not responding to me, I hope I made him feel like crap.  He acted like he was so in love with me when we were talking to the point where I felt like he would have done anything to see me, but he didn’t.  His actions used to match his words now it doesn’t make sense.  People tell me if he liked me as much as he acted, he would have at least visited me once already.

Of course I got no reply.  I called and left him a voice mail, too.  I don’t like sending these messages to him, but quite honestly, he pisses me off giving up like that and not even meeting me once in person.  I’ve heard of friends telling me they used to talk to someone online, liked them so much but they never met in person.  I don’t want that to happen with me and Travis.  I know if our connection is that amazing just over the Internet and on Skype videos before meeting each other, I really feel like it will be the real deal if we ever met in person!

Even if my local Robert did come around, I just wouldn’t be into it.  I like hanging out and talking with Robert, his friends, going on double dates with his brothers, but that was only for a short time and he did not initiate things further.  He might be too shy people told me.  I want to try to work things out with my long distance, Travis.  I just can’t right now since he is not cooperating at all.

I asked Travis, “What is your fucking problem?  You know it would be worth your while if you or I visited.  It wouldn’t be a wasted trip.  I guess you don’t want to have the best time of your life.”

Love at First Tweet

“Do you have a twitter?” My darling asks me when he first started chatting with me.

“Yeah, but I just gotta warn you…I’m pretty much uncensored on my statuses.  I’ll say what I want when I want and how I want,” I explain.

I did not want him to be on my Facebook account and see my Facebook statuses, because those were even more in depth sometimes.  I laugh.

After checking out my tweets, he replies, “You certainly do speak your mind.”

He makes me laugh so much already and it was the first day talking secretly thinking, Are you going to be okay with having a girlfriend who speaks her mind and doesn’t give a shit if some people are offended by it because there will always be people who will agree and don’t?

The next few days, he kept chatting with me anyway, despite my sentimental tweets.

“You do write some good tweets, though,” he compliments me.

I blush.

Aw, this boy had me at first Tweet Compliment.  Actually he had me at a lot of things.

I really never thought I could fall for someone online…that people would just be good friends.

I thought that it was weird to be in love with someone you haven’t even met in person yet but could still talk to, and it be considered real love.

Yet, this was the realist to “love” I have ever experienced.  Maybe because he managed to talk to me longer than a week and more than two months.

Townies usually only stuck around for a few days, maybe a month or so tops.

“You’re picking the wrong guys.  It’s not you personally, it’s the guys you choose in town,” my roommate says.

Truth.  There wasn’t anything wrong with me.  If a man treats me right, why should I become a crazed man-hating woman if he is doing his part in the relationship?  I don’t.

“I found him.  He found me.  Whatever, we found each other at the same time.  You can rest my friends,” I assure them.

“You two are perfect for each other.  How is this going to work, though?  He’s far away,” my support says.

“I don’t know but it’s going to need to work itself out…somehow…” I feel defeated at such a beautiful soul I was lucky enough to come across ever so randomly one night out of complete boredom.  Speaking of boredom, boredom makes me do questionable things sometimes but I’m glad I was bored that night and met him!  Or should I be “not glad” because I can’t stop thinking about him and it’s driving me crazy when I know the only cure is to feel his touch….

I hate talking about it and thinking about it like word vomit.

But, but, but…we can’t see each other any time soon.  I don’t know when, how, or where.

I feel crappy enough already for not being able to see him, and even more when I don’t feel like talking to guys who do give me the time that I wish My One used to give me.  So much and so little has happened since that first star-crossed day.  I’m just not into trying to be with anyone anymore if it’s not…you…know…who…

thelostxin.com

She often wonders if she will ever feel loved by someone she loves.

She felt something close to it for a while from someone far away but guesses she was not worthy enough to go the distance for.

She tries to write a story to get over it because nothing else seemed to work.

Her mind would always wander back to her lost better half.

There were times when she thought she was in “love” when she knew it was only infatuation and lust.

What she has for him does not compare to any of that.

It has been months now since they last directly spoke.

And she still cannot get him out of her mind.

Is she just doomed to be forever alone?

Who would dare try to talk to a woman who’s heart is not in any future potential relationships?

And he doesn’t seem to care, that’s the worst part.

Do you care how you make me think right now?  Do you CARE? 

She does not need an answer.  She knows he does care but he thinks he cannot do anything about the distance when he can.  He won’t try.

He left her behind which she knew was going to happen with the eight hours in between.

If only he had kept talking to her the way he used to things would have definitely worked out.

If only…

#foreverlost

Xin’s Missing Star

Author’s Note

Most of my stories will be based off of true real life events.  I’m sort of stuck in how I want to end my story with this unexpected no contact from my far away love.  I could write two versions which would be drastic mood changes.  Or should I leave it to one ending and stick with reality?

For new readers to my most epic tale I have ever told, I welcome you.  Current readers who have seen us since the beginning unfold, I am happy you are still here to want to know where our journey is headed.

I told him people from all over the world was reading my blog just for our story.  He said was happy for me.  He said he thought that was so wonderful of you guys to love our story, when we were still talking before our argument yesterday.  He’s eight+ hours away and we can’t properly see each other to talk things out in person and some miscommunication happened.

Now I don’t know how to end the story.  I cannot write my ending without the star of my show and I don’t want to leave my readers hanging.  It would mean a lot if we could trend the hash tag #xinsmissingstar on Twitter and if there is a way here, if you have one to let him know how important it is that I need him to finish writing.  I love him because of this connection that we have through my writings.  I’ve never had that with any other man before.  Most of my crushes just viewed my stories as an angry woman ranting, not him, though.

My lost universe would used to tell me all the time how he thinks I’m a great writer and that meant a lot coming from him, especially my fellow readers, too, I appreciate so much all the positive feedback about my stories.  He is my muse.

Xin’s Missing Star

I used to say I would only date people 1 to 3 years younger than me or 1 to 3 years older than me.  Then, when people five years younger than me started talking to me more, I thought how many good people I would miss out on just because they are two years younger than my age cut off.  It helped that they had interesting personalities for me to want to talk to someone that much younger than my usual preferences and they weren’t dull to talk to.

Once everyone is 19/20+ years-old, I don’t really care.

Most of the people around me are generally younger than me now.  Most people talking on the Internet wherever I go are going to be younger than me.

When I first started talking to this particular 19-year-old boy, I saw a maturity level in him to match my age.  It wouldn’t have worked otherwise if he didn’t act older than his age.  We could talk about very sensitive topics and he had a strong character to not be freaked out by the stories I write about him.  I really love him for that.  What ultimately pushed him away was when I was feeling the most alone in the world last night.  He wasn’t even pushed away that we had talked about semi-seriously talked about our married life together so soon when we first started talking [that's the strong character in him I admire -- you know you've found the one when they don't get freaked out about talking about marriage, not joking about it, but actually talking about it].  It was me freaking out about not being able to save up to see him this summer that pushed him away.  I needed him to be there for me, instead he shut me out.

I know he is 8+ hours away.  We were planning to meet this summer and we would have had so much fun had we got that far to meet.  Work has been setting me back to do that with all these unpaid days off.  I always see long distance couples on youtube make their videos and I wanted to make one so much with him to go with our written story.

I can’t make our long distance video without him.  I lost one of my most important readers and I don’t know how to get him back: the star of the show!  I didn’t mean to make him my whole entire world, but he was a huge part of it.

I now see the 19-year-old side of him.  I thought he was mature enough to handle a long distance but we’re both impatient wanting things to happen soon and we can’t make that happen soon since we don’t have the funds, resources, or schedule to currently.

Anyone who has ever been in a really long distance experience, if you could tell me how your story went, I would love to hear other people’s long distance experiences.  Anyone who needs someone to talk to about things, I am here for you, too.

Aw, #cute YouTube videos of #LDRs

I’m bored so I’ve been going to YouTube looking up other people’s long distance stories and some of them have videos! They are so cute.  I hope to make one some day to go along with my story.  That would be a video of our journey.  Work needs to call me back to work already. I’m serious. I like this vacation, but, yeah…

[If Sweden to USA can make it then we can, too!  I know right now nothing can happen, though with our schedules.]

Doubts #blog

If it’s one thing I hate, it’s people telling me I can’t do something: like saying I can’t publish a #1 best seller because I don’t have the “credentials” like some numbers have to “verify” me.  Have people ever heard of the saying, sometimes the undiscovered are better than the brand names, they just don’t get the credits they deserve because it’s a dog eat dog world?  Some of the things that ARE number one out there already are pure ratchetry.  They got lucky they just knew someone in the marketing industry.  Justin Bieber name a bell to some people who complain about him all the time wondering how he got so known?  Usher discovered him.  “Luck.”  I used to look up to Justin in awe of his accomplishments at such a young age, and now he better shape up if he still wants Selena to stay in his life.  Now I’m tired of his ways.

Just because a person telling others they can’t write a best seller can’t write, doesn’t mean I can’t.  I’ll say fucking watch me because when I’m finished with my first novel and if I promote it right, it WILL be a best seller, at least in my town will be.  No one from my town does this kind of thing.  My town is a boring town.  Nothing exciting like my book has happened here in ever besides Rudy which was so long ago, so my book will give my town a wake up call.

With the extra time that I spend perfecting it, and for the cause it is for, and when I’m telling more and more people about it who are very anxious to read it, some people will eat their words.  Just because they don’t have the drive to do something like this, doesn’t mean other people don’t have the drive.

Good Day, Good Evening, and I Screwed Up a Good Thing #blog #storytime

Good Day

I first started off the day by going to a professional Photo Shoot for a bridal shower and took pictures for them, being a photographer’s assistant.  We got great free food.  The woman who it was for was really sweet and nice and she’s very lucky to be able to be with the one person she wants in the whole wide world.  I saw some wedding pictures of women in wedding dresses…man, how I would look in one of those.  I’m not anywhere near close to that day.  I can’t get there when I don’t have a starting place to begin to get there.

I just kept crying mentally to myself how I see her toasting to her and her group of good girl friends who didn’t back stab her.  I wouldn’t be able to have a  bridal shower because I don’t know that many women to rent a small room since most of them back stabbed me for no reason.  I can’t count on two hands of how many women I’m friends with.  It would probably be a get together at my house if I ever had my special day, if I ever, ever, did. . .

Good Evening

Aaron called me again today asking what I was doing when I specifically told him yesterday I wouldn’t be able to hang out [with him] for a long time.  He’s the pushy black guy who won’t leave me alone.  Can he seriously not take a hint?  Damn!

I had a pleasant evening with my new friend Mike but I probably screwed up any future hang out plans because I kept talking about how depressed I was over this long distance thing and did not know what to do anymore and he said,

“There’s a reason why I tend to avoid those in the first place,” he consoled me.

“I used to say that to myself until I met, him,” I sighed in frustration.

“From all of my friends that I’ve seen that have done the Internet long distance thing, it’s never ended up well,” my new friend Mark said.

“What’s so special about him why can’t you stop whatever with him and talk to someone here, just be Internet friends with him?” he continues.

“Nothing is so special about Travis,” I lied.  Only that my intuition tells me if we were to work at being together we’d be one of the greatest loves of all time.

Mike and I are sitting at a bar we haven’t been to in a long time after eating a huge meal of sushi and tempura at another restaurant.  I’m stuffed.

“If you REALLY liked a girl eight hours away wouldn’t you at least visit her one time some day?”  I asked.

“Yes, I would.  No doubt about that,” Mike says.

“Find someone here,” Mike keeps saying as I continue to look at him in silence of how Mike would be the person I would talk to here but I’m screwing it up badly talking about another guy.  The one guy who I would talk to in town fifteen minutes away who isn’t a douche bag, I probably fucked it up.

I fuck myself over more than I want to.  I kept asking the stars in silence why couldn’t I have met Mike before I met Travis then I would have no problem to still want to talk to Mike and not mention other guys!!!  I wouldn’t blame Mike if he doesn’t want to call me back as friends.  Even though we did have an overall good evening, he kept saying he’s so sorry things aren’t working out with me and whoever.

I said I’m glad I got out of the house with him because I haven’t gotten out in the longest time and thanked him for this good evening.

I’m pretty good at reading people and even though we talked about hanging out again next time, we probably won’t.  I really don’t blame Mike if he doesn’t call me back.  I’ve been right about a lot of things I wish I wasn’t right about so judging by my streak with predicting how things will go for the worse, Mike probably won’t want to hang out again knowing how depressed I am about stuff.  I wouldn’t want to talk to a girl who is acting like this, either if I were a guy.  There’s only two things that can make me happy right now:  that’s my dog and “Travis” and I can’t see either easily.

I know why Travis is the way he is because he can’t see me any time soon.  He just needs one night with me to figure it all out.  Fucking A.  Just one night in person.  Whatever happened to “one day?”  I feel it’s never going to come at this rate. :(

Doesn’t Travis like the way we make each other feel like we’re in the clouds ALLLLL the time?  I don’t want that feeling to go the way and no one else makes me feel this way. :’-(

Convenient Dilemma.

Today, Aaron (recap:  he’s this black guy in his 30s who I met from catering still trying to hit on me who I am not interested in I don’t know what I have to say for him to take a hint, honestly, I’ve tried everything to be nice about it and he just keeps being extremely pushy any chance he sees and I’m about to be blunt again that just because I can’t see the person I want doesn’t mean I should try for someone in town.  Love isn’t about being CONVENIENT.)

Aaron showed up at my apartment without notifying me he was to be here once again.  I HATE when he does that.  I had just gotten off work and didn’t feel like going anywhere.  I think he thinks just because he showed up I am obligated to hang out with him: newsflash – no I’m not.  Especially when his house is like ten minutes away it’s not out of the way for him to go back.  I once again, brought up to Aaron about my long distance interest and how blindly in love I am with Travis!  What part of that does Aaron not get?  I see no one else but Travis and it doesn’t matter to me if he is far away.

I honestly feel so lost thinking it won’t work out because I can’t see myself with anyone else.  Travis just gets me.  I’ve never talked to someone as much as I talked to Travis, well used to talk to anyway.  There was only one other townie long ago who I talked to as much as Travis.  I don’t want to be wrong again.  I can’t work at this if I’m the only one working for it.

I’m remembering all the reasons I am holding onto Travis for so long: because when we do have our moments, long distance wise: it is how a long distance “relationship” should be when you can’t see each other in person.  What is my real dilemma?

When a complete stranger asked two nights ago if I needed a car ride, who was kind enough to ask me for one after I had walked for an hour and still had another hour and a half to go, I made a new friend.  I have never tried to date someone my age – that’s because most guy my age are immature where I live and have encountered.  I just don’t feel that intensity with Mike or Aaron, the way I feel about Travis.  I felt the chills the first day I talked to Travis.

If I were to talk to someone in my town it would be Mike.  Mike’s a respectable guy it’s just too bad I didn’t meet him before I met Travis.  We should stay friends for a while even though I think Mike is interested in being more.  Being in a relationship just ruins thing.  A prime example: remember the way Travis and I would used to stay up late with each other on video chat a lot and talk all day?  Now that hardly happens, if at all.  I miss that feeling you give me, babe because no one else gives me that feeling I think it’s true.  I wish you would work for this as much as I want it to work because I know how our first *KISS* would be.  Like I said to you before, if you think it won’t work out then it won’t.