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I am a Woman of my Word.

He finally gave me the phone call I’ve been asking for a long time ago and so I am a woman of my word.  Before, I had told him the only way I will stop all these texts and calls is if he talks to me on the phone.  He never tried to call me to find out if that would work until now.  One phone call.  Back then, he refused to give me that.  I will not send him thousands of texts anymore nor will I leave him any voice mails.  That’s what I needed to hear: his voice.  It was so simple and he finally did it.

And it broke me more that he keeps saying do I know things like this hardly ever work out.  I said he can’t say that because he didn’t even try to make it work in the first place.  He agreed and admitted he didn’t ever actually try for real.  For all we know if he actually tried, put in the real efforts our long distance could have worked.  All I can do is pray.  Pray, pray, pray.  I’ve prayed before but things always seemed to get a billion times worse before it got better.  At least it “ended” on a good note.  I did not like being left hanging and cursing at him.

I told my best friend Doretta that he finally called me.  She said, “Damn you act like you hit the lotto with this guy.  I bet you were sleeping good that night.”

Hahaha, that’s how I know I have found The One: when I pretend I hit the lotto.  He is perfect for me in every single possible way except for the distance. :(

My Night was Totally MADE!

Ahhhhhhh he FINALLY called me on the PHONE and answered!  And we talked for 10 minutes!  He’s a lot more mature than I thought.  For being eight years younger, I gotta say, he is handling all this pretty well.  Yes, we talked about my 40 voice mails I always leave him and the texts.  His voice is *drools.*  I thought it would be weird over the phone considering the type of texts I was sending him, hahaha, but it wasn’t weird at all.  That was a much needed phone call.

It made me sad when he said if I had lived closer we’d most likely have been something and I said we can still be something but he said he just can’t make a long distance work right now.  He talked about my texts and voice mails accusing him of talking to sluts and whores and he told me I really need to stop that.  I will take his word for it that he hasn’t been talking to anyone else.  He has no reason to lie to me at this day and age.

He said that if I calmed down we can talk here and there, but after that phone call I totally fell in love with him more and more and I texted in the end maybe it’s for the better we talk less.  We talked about the book, too, and I’m praying that will bring us closer together.  I need to focus on completing the book.  Now that I got my inspiration back I can finally complete the book!  I think I have been holding off on finishing it because when he wasn’t talking to me at all it was making me sad and I wasn’t sure if I had written the proper ending when I had no inspiration.

I can’t save someone who doesn’t want to be saved.

I plead for him to meet with me once to see what he is missing out on and he won’t set up a schedule with me.  He just keeps sitting there being depressed trying to talk to girls near him he doesn’t even like as much as he does me.  I guess I can’t save someone who doesn’t want to be saved.  Damn it!  I know he is thinking about me when he tries to talk to those new people so I keep asking him, why doesn’t he just actually talk to me instead of ignoring me?  I keep telling him just because we can’t hang out in person doesn’t mean he should ignore me like this.  We can still talk as “friends.”  Bahaha, “friends.”  No, we can never be, “just friends.”  I tell him I know he thinks about me when he tries to talk to new people because I do the same exact thing.  I always have him in the back of my mind, not wanting to move on.

I have decided I’m never going to have my own family, unless it’s with the man of my dreams.  I can move on, and I can find someone that will treat me ten times better and actually make the efforts to be with me, but it will not be with the person I will always wonder “what if we could meet in person” with.  For once in my life, I just want to have the chance of being with someone who I am head over heels for.  I’ve always given people chances in the past, only to never feel anything for them.

When people this year liked me that made the efforts to hang out, I did not give them chances of being more.  I’m out of chances, trying to force myself to like someone as more I will never like.  I need to be intensely attracted to that person first (at the same time, mutual) for it to work.

I keep hoping as time passes on, I can let my dream of having a cute little family with him go.  He doesn’t want to pursue a long distance relationship.  He doesn’t want to do what it takes to make this work.  He makes me really angry when I see people from the UK to Canada making it work.  We’re in the same freaking country, don’t have to deal with passport trouble, same time zone, and he still won’t take this opportunity.

The first day we talked and I found out he isn’t as far as we think we are from each other, I got excited that something might be able to happen.  He is so close, yet so far away.

I see my undeserving ex-best friend make a 6 hour away long distance relationship work.  He and I are only 7 and a half hours away.  I know this other girl who is engaged and soon to be married to someone from Colorado and she lives where I am.  Why can THEY make it work?  Why did I get stuck with falling for someone who doesn’t believe?  He would be so perfect for me if we had met and worked things out.

The possibilities.

When someone says you should give up on someone who isn’t talking to you anymore, I’m not going to throw in the towel just like that, especially when we have a very amazing connection which I’ve never experienced with anyone else.  If it’s close distance and someone isn’t talking when they could see me with no trouble, of course that I can’t be bothered with.  I just don’t want him to regret not meeting me when he sees me move on.  And yes, it sucks doing most of the initiating but I have a feeling once we meet in person he WILL want this to work.  My intuitions are always correct.

I feel like he doesn’t want to meet me because he knows he will be in love with me and he doesn’t want to DO a long distance but he knows he wants to be with me and will have to do all that work for us to happen so he never tries to meet me because he knows what he will have to do to maintain this.

I’ve predicted bad people to be bad, so the few very good feelings about someone I have it must be true if only he would give it a chance and not just give up because of the distance.  I have talked to others who are long distance in the past, but they didn’t seem like they wanted to go the distance so I just kept it as friends and never brought up I was interested as more.

When we started off so great, I just, I just HAVE to meet him.  I can’t let him go without meeting him, especially when he’s within a drive-able distance.  I’d drive 7 to 8 hours for him.  I just keep thinking of all the wonderful things we talked about.

My ex who is in town keeps trying to hook up with me and I’m like, “Hey, your loss.  You thought I’d never leave you, well I did.  Should have appreciated me when you had me.”

And I don’t want my love to make this same mistake because for the ones who do actually stick around for a while, they always try crawling back to me in the end because they realize they didn’t find anyone better and I’m not a second option.  Nope!

I know why my love tried to let me go because he doesn’t believe in long distance relationships, so I will forgive him for that because once I know he meets me — he will fall in love with me all over again.

Restless Adventures (The Ghost Family)

Restless Adventures (The Ghost Family)

Prologue

Jade realizes that she’s never going to have the dream wedding she’s always wanted with the man of her dreams.  It’s just not in it for her no matter how kind and caring she is.  The stars just don’t want to do anything for her.  She tries to find ways to cope with this reality and starts writing about what her would have been family would be like.

“No pills, no meds,” Jade says to her best friend Darcy.

“Writing is my medicine.  I don’t need antidepressants,” Jade explains when Darcy suggests Jade signs up for some medication.

“We don’t need men.  I have my children and my best friend,” Darcy says.

“I don’t even have children.  I just have my dog and I sometimes hold her like she is a baby.  If I had children maybe I’d have something to take my time up with, but I don’t want to have children without a good role model father so no children for me,” Jade sighs.

So much wasted potential.  Just so much!  Instead all my enemies get blessed – every last one of those bastards.

If Jade could not be with her man from far away, she’d rather have no one.

“There are so many guys here who would date you.  Find someone in town,” Darcy says.

“I don’t feel that any of them are my life long partner so I don’t bother,” Jade says.

Those men just don’t get Jade the way Travis gets her – it’s just that he’s too far away.

Is he going to let the love of his life stay locked in her room forever writing about their fantasy family?  Or is he going to do something about it?  He knows there is no one else for him in Tennessee, either the way there is no one else in Indiana for Jade.

Beautiful Reflections

Whenever I get ready for the day, I take a few minutes to stare at myself.  If it’s one thing that people like about me: it’s that I have a lot of confidence in my appearance whether or not I want to dress well or dress sloppy I rock both styles.  Guess that’s why some people hate me for no reason because I know I got it and I don’t let men treat me like shit and think they can do me the way they do, especially ones near by when they didn’t deserve a chance from me in the first place.

I look at the mirror and say, “Baby, you don’t want to work this long distance out even though if you saw me in person once you’d want me forever…”

I play with my long, shiny black hair saying, “You don’t want this?  Oh, you want me you just don’t want a long distance.  This isn’t worth the travel or the hassle?  When I saw you on cam, it is to me.”

I stare at my curves thinking about the things some friends have said to me, “Dang girl, you got a nice body.  Why do you hide it?”

I took off my jacket one time and my woman best friend was just looking at my figure saying, “Wow, I never realized how in shape you were because you always wear baggy clothes and stuff.”

My girl friends and guy friends all gawk at me, I just laugh.

“I don’t want to be noticed by just anyone.  I don’t like the attention I receive from dressing up,” I explain.

I know I’m too far.  I keep trying to tell my love he’d love what he sees in person.

Sometimes I want to give up, truly, I do, but my heart won’t let me.  I keep picking up new projects to distract myself with from messaging him.  I’ve been more motivated to finishing writing my book.

And Hot or Not rated this a 4.36. Hot or Not can kiss my ass.  Just because they rate most women on there 3, 4, and 5, doesn’t mean I have to put up with it because it happens to most people.

Drowning

I’m drowning in my fantasies.  I’d rather stay locked in my room all day writing them than live in the real world and find someone I can see face-to-face who I have no desire like this for.  Did I say I ever wanted to leave?  I don’t want to.  Not ever, unless I see The One in person.  People say it’s not healthy to wallow in the black hole but I like being here.  This black hole is different than the other black holes I’ve been in.  The One returned my feelings just the same as I love him, it’s just that there’s so many obstacles between us.  The other black holes were unrequited infatuation.  This black hole is far more real than those other infatuations ever were.  I don’t give those black holes the time of day thoughts any longer.  The thought of marrying someone else makes me vomit.  I’d rather be alone.  They don’t understand me the way he does.  I literally have dreams (more like nightmares) at the alter with someone else and because I couldn’t be with my soul mate, that’s why I died in the dream.  I fainted/passed out, died at the alter because it wasn’t with The One.

Our Story

I have spent sleepless nights trying to write my book.  I still haven’t finished.  I keep telling myself I need to finish it so I can stop thinking about him.  I don’t want to publish it because those are some very private thoughts but I know I’ve told people I’m writing a book and they are waiting to read it.  Those are our memories that I want to remind him of which he seems to easily forget.  Or maybe he hasn’t forgotten, he just doesn’t tell me.  The main reason why I write is for him.  I got better because I was writing about him.  People can laugh that I have a boy as my muse, but when your muse is one of the best things to happen to your life, it makes you write like you thought you could never write.  This isn’t just a silly little girl writing in her diary about boys.  It’s our story of how we came to be.  I write about one boy in particular.  One boy that I would do almost anything to be with him.

I told him today that I hope he will read the story, since it is after all to him.  I am hoping I can make a writing career out of my book if it does not get him to try to be with me.  Something good I hope will come out of writing 40 hours a week of a lost life that never got to be.  If it convinces him to try for a long distance relationship, then man I must have done my job writing that story because that is what I am hoping will happen.  I know he wants to be with me he just doesn’t want a long distance relationship.  I keep telling him that’s what it has to be for now if he wants to be with me.  There’s no ifs ands or buts about it.

Chapter 2: Blue-Haired Freak Show

Chapter 2: Blue-Haired Freak Show

“What’s the craziest thing you have ever done for love?”

When J saw this question posted at a forum, she shared her experiences.  Of course, an ugly, jealous freak show judged her for what she did.  The same group of wannabe nuns seemed to always judge her no matter what she did.

J answered, “I have gambled my rent money before because I was wanting to get some quick cash and not have to borrow from other people.  I knew the risks anyway.”

Of course since it didn’t work out the way J wanted to, people had something to say about her gambling.  If J had won a million dollars would some people still be saying shit?  They’d want her money.  That was the ugly truth about gambling.

In particular, there was a poster named Dick.  Dick thought “she” was the most clever “unwitty” poster making a parody title of J’s post “A realization: I’m too nice.”  Dick made a post called, “A realization: I’m a Dick.”  This is why Blue-Haired Freak Show is called Dick, because she wants to be one! :)

J often noticed a lot of things about people who always judge her actions as if they wouldn’t do what she did if they were in her situation, they have their own issues that they take out on her.  It’s easy to say what you wouldn’t do when you’re not in a situation to say that you would or wouldn’t do something.  If the situation actually happens and you desperately wanted to see the one you love, how far would you go?

Who was this Blue-Haired Freak Show calling her an idiot for that and saying all these crude things?

Was that a man or a woman, even? J couldn’t tell what gender this poster was.

Ew, at that Dick was in a relationship with somebody!  J often wondered who would put up with such wanna-be “self-righteous do-gooders” who seem to love knocking people when they’re down already?

Nightmares Always Come True

“I don’t want you anymore,” I said.

“But you wrote a book about me and everything that we wished we could be,” he pleaded.

“You didn’t wait for me.  I waited for you.  I wanted to be your first in a long time just like you are mine.  You saw how much it is going to take to be with me and you didn’t want to do it.  I don’t want you anymore after you have been touched by someone else while I waited for you and you didn’t come,” I did not want to look at someone who would not wait for me.

“I know you are lying,” he tries to hold me in a hug.

He’s right I am lying.  I still want him as much as I did the first day we started talking online.

The longing that I have for him is indeed unbearable no matter how much he has hurt me, I still cannot deny my soul mate.

I don’t want to be that girl to take him back and let him think he can do this to me.  I don’t want to be that girl.  I know he went with someone else for a while because he thought we could never be together due to the 600 miles and thousands of other obstacles in between.  He thought it was impossible to be with me.

I also know, that once we met in person he will be all about me and only about me and will never want it from anyone else.

“You..touched someone else.  You…”  He cuts me off.

“I have only ever loved one person and one person only.  I never loved anyone else.  You have my heart.  I just thought I could never be with you,” he finally looks down and stops trying to embrace me.

“You know I was writing a book about you, us, and you knew no one else would want to be with me knowing I will never love them.  And you still went with someone else knowing you will never love her.  Was it worth it?”  I hate him as much as I love him.

“No.  It wasn’t worth it at all.  I cannot take back what I did, but I know from this day forward it will ever be only me and you.  I promise with everything no one and nothing will try to break us apart ever again.  I am sorry for making things more difficult than they need to be.  I am sorry I didn’t try to see you.  I am a coward,” was that just an honest apology he said?

Somehow I knew that once we met, he would never hurt me again.  The longing for each other was driving both of us mad!  We just needed to see each other in person.

People keep trying to convince us to forget about each other.

“It’s never going to work.  He’s too far and you guys have to do a lot to be together,” some say.

Still, it’s nice to dream about a small family that never got to be born.  It does relax me so much thinking about what could have been.  I cannot forget my own lost family.  Trying to have that life with anyone else is just betrayal.

How he can kiss someone he doesn’t love, I don’t know how he does it.  I know I cannot do it.

I am on my own forever.  I cannot bear the thought to have someone else’s children and I would probably leave another man because I will never love that other man and Mr. Unknown should be with someone who loves him.  I don’t want that half/half family.  I am trying my damn best to have a whole one before it becomes broken.

I have warned him the same if he ever has some one else’s children because he gave up on us, I don’t think I will take him back, either.  I don’t want to raise someone else’s children when they were supposed to be mine with him in the first place.

I sigh, imagining a solitude life…never to have my own family.  I’m always on my own.

At least I get to do whatever I want whenever I want but that gets boring eventually.  I want to spend money on the one I love who loves me the same and would do the same.  I want a lot of things.

Oh well.  Some of the best always get shafted.

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