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The possibilities.

When someone says you should give up on someone who isn’t talking to you anymore, I’m not going to throw in the towel just like that, especially when we have a very amazing connection which I’ve never experienced with anyone else.  If it’s close distance and someone isn’t talking when they could see me with no trouble, of course that I can’t be bothered with.  I just don’t want him to regret not meeting me when he sees me move on.  And yes, it sucks doing most of the initiating but I have a feeling once we meet in person he WILL want this to work.  My intuitions are always correct.

I feel like he doesn’t want to meet me because he knows he will be in love with me and he doesn’t want to DO a long distance but he knows he wants to be with me and will have to do all that work for us to happen so he never tries to meet me because he knows what he will have to do to maintain this.

I’ve predicted bad people to be bad, so the few very good feelings about someone I have it must be true if only he would give it a chance and not just give up because of the distance.  I have talked to others who are long distance in the past, but they didn’t seem like they wanted to go the distance so I just kept it as friends and never brought up I was interested as more.

When we started off so great, I just, I just HAVE to meet him.  I can’t let him go without meeting him, especially when he’s within a drive-able distance.  I’d drive 7 to 8 hours for him.  I just keep thinking of all the wonderful things we talked about.

My ex who is in town keeps trying to hook up with me and I’m like, “Hey, your loss.  You thought I’d never leave you, well I did.  Should have appreciated me when you had me.”

And I don’t want my love to make this same mistake because for the ones who do actually stick around for a while, they always try crawling back to me in the end because they realize they didn’t find anyone better and I’m not a second option.  Nope!

I know why my love tried to let me go because he doesn’t believe in long distance relationships, so I will forgive him for that because once I know he meets me — he will fall in love with me all over again.

Restless Adventures (The Ghost Family)

Restless Adventures (The Ghost Family)

Prologue

Jade realizes that she’s never going to have the dream wedding she’s always wanted with the man of her dreams.  It’s just not in it for her no matter how kind and caring she is.  The stars just don’t want to do anything for her.  She tries to find ways to cope with this reality and starts writing about what her would have been family would be like.

“No pills, no meds,” Jade says to her best friend Darcy.

“Writing is my medicine.  I don’t need antidepressants,” Jade explains when Darcy suggests Jade signs up for some medication.

“We don’t need men.  I have my children and my best friend,” Darcy says.

“I don’t even have children.  I just have my dog and I sometimes hold her like she is a baby.  If I had children maybe I’d have something to take my time up with, but I don’t want to have children without a good role model father so no children for me,” Jade sighs.

So much wasted potential.  Just so much!  Instead all my enemies get blessed – every last one of those bastards.

If Jade could not be with her man from far away, she’d rather have no one.

“There are so many guys here who would date you.  Find someone in town,” Darcy says.

“I don’t feel that any of them are my life long partner so I don’t bother,” Jade says.

Those men just don’t get Jade the way Travis gets her – it’s just that he’s too far away.

Is he going to let the love of his life stay locked in her room forever writing about their fantasy family?  Or is he going to do something about it?  He knows there is no one else for him in Tennessee, either the way there is no one else in Indiana for Jade.

Beautiful Reflections

Whenever I get ready for the day, I take a few minutes to stare at myself.  If it’s one thing that people like about me: it’s that I have a lot of confidence in my appearance whether or not I want to dress well or dress sloppy I rock both styles.  Guess that’s why some people hate me for no reason because I know I got it and I don’t let men treat me like shit and think they can do me the way they do, especially ones near by when they didn’t deserve a chance from me in the first place.

I look at the mirror and say, “Baby, you don’t want to work this long distance out even though if you saw me in person once you’d want me forever…”

I play with my long, shiny black hair saying, “You don’t want this?  Oh, you want me you just don’t want a long distance.  This isn’t worth the travel or the hassle?  When I saw you on cam, it is to me.”

I stare at my curves thinking about the things some friends have said to me, “Dang girl, you got a nice body.  Why do you hide it?”

I took off my jacket one time and my woman best friend was just looking at my figure saying, “Wow, I never realized how in shape you were because you always wear baggy clothes and stuff.”

My girl friends and guy friends all gawk at me, I just laugh.

“I don’t want to be noticed by just anyone.  I don’t like the attention I receive from dressing up,” I explain.

I know I’m too far.  I keep trying to tell my love he’d love what he sees in person.

Sometimes I want to give up, truly, I do, but my heart won’t let me.  I keep picking up new projects to distract myself with from messaging him.  I’ve been more motivated to finishing writing my book.

And Hot or Not rated this a 4.36. Hot or Not can kiss my ass.  Just because they rate most women on there 3, 4, and 5, doesn’t mean I have to put up with it because it happens to most people.

Drowning

I’m drowning in my fantasies.  I’d rather stay locked in my room all day writing them than live in the real world and find someone I can see face-to-face who I have no desire like this for.  Did I say I ever wanted to leave?  I don’t want to.  Not ever, unless I see The One in person.  People say it’s not healthy to wallow in the black hole but I like being here.  This black hole is different than the other black holes I’ve been in.  The One returned my feelings just the same as I love him, it’s just that there’s so many obstacles between us.  The other black holes were unrequited infatuation.  This black hole is far more real than those other infatuations ever were.  I don’t give those black holes the time of day thoughts any longer.  The thought of marrying someone else makes me vomit.  I’d rather be alone.  They don’t understand me the way he does.  I literally have dreams (more like nightmares) at the alter with someone else and because I couldn’t be with my soul mate, that’s why I died in the dream.  I fainted/passed out, died at the alter because it wasn’t with The One.

Our Story

I have spent sleepless nights trying to write my book.  I still haven’t finished.  I keep telling myself I need to finish it so I can stop thinking about him.  I don’t want to publish it because those are some very private thoughts but I know I’ve told people I’m writing a book and they are waiting to read it.  Those are our memories that I want to remind him of which he seems to easily forget.  Or maybe he hasn’t forgotten, he just doesn’t tell me.  The main reason why I write is for him.  I got better because I was writing about him.  People can laugh that I have a boy as my muse, but when your muse is one of the best things to happen to your life, it makes you write like you thought you could never write.  This isn’t just a silly little girl writing in her diary about boys.  It’s our story of how we came to be.  I write about one boy in particular.  One boy that I would do almost anything to be with him.

I told him today that I hope he will read the story, since it is after all to him.  I am hoping I can make a writing career out of my book if it does not get him to try to be with me.  Something good I hope will come out of writing 40 hours a week of a lost life that never got to be.  If it convinces him to try for a long distance relationship, then man I must have done my job writing that story because that is what I am hoping will happen.  I know he wants to be with me he just doesn’t want a long distance relationship.  I keep telling him that’s what it has to be for now if he wants to be with me.  There’s no ifs ands or buts about it.

Chapter 2: Blue-Haired Freak Show

Chapter 2: Blue-Haired Freak Show

“What’s the craziest thing you have ever done for love?”

When J saw this question posted at a forum, she shared her experiences.  Of course, an ugly, jealous freak show judged her for what she did.  The same group of wannabe nuns seemed to always judge her no matter what she did.

J answered, “I have gambled my rent money before because I was wanting to get some quick cash and not have to borrow from other people.  I knew the risks anyway.”

Of course since it didn’t work out the way J wanted to, people had something to say about her gambling.  If J had won a million dollars would some people still be saying shit?  They’d want her money.  That was the ugly truth about gambling.

In particular, there was a poster named Dick.  Dick thought “she” was the most clever “unwitty” poster making a parody title of J’s post “A realization: I’m too nice.”  Dick made a post called, “A realization: I’m a Dick.”  This is why Blue-Haired Freak Show is called Dick, because she wants to be one! :)

J often noticed a lot of things about people who always judge her actions as if they wouldn’t do what she did if they were in her situation, they have their own issues that they take out on her.  It’s easy to say what you wouldn’t do when you’re not in a situation to say that you would or wouldn’t do something.  If the situation actually happens and you desperately wanted to see the one you love, how far would you go?

Who was this Blue-Haired Freak Show calling her an idiot for that and saying all these crude things?

Was that a man or a woman, even? J couldn’t tell what gender this poster was.

Ew, at that Dick was in a relationship with somebody!  J often wondered who would put up with such wanna-be “self-righteous do-gooders” who seem to love knocking people when they’re down already?

Nightmares Always Come True

“I don’t want you anymore,” I said.

“But you wrote a book about me and everything that we wished we could be,” he pleaded.

“You didn’t wait for me.  I waited for you.  I wanted to be your first in a long time just like you are mine.  You saw how much it is going to take to be with me and you didn’t want to do it.  I don’t want you anymore after you have been touched by someone else while I waited for you and you didn’t come,” I did not want to look at someone who would not wait for me.

“I know you are lying,” he tries to hold me in a hug.

He’s right I am lying.  I still want him as much as I did the first day we started talking online.

The longing that I have for him is indeed unbearable no matter how much he has hurt me, I still cannot deny my soul mate.

I don’t want to be that girl to take him back and let him think he can do this to me.  I don’t want to be that girl.  I know he went with someone else for a while because he thought we could never be together due to the 600 miles and thousands of other obstacles in between.  He thought it was impossible to be with me.

I also know, that once we met in person he will be all about me and only about me and will never want it from anyone else.

“You..touched someone else.  You…”  He cuts me off.

“I have only ever loved one person and one person only.  I never loved anyone else.  You have my heart.  I just thought I could never be with you,” he finally looks down and stops trying to embrace me.

“You know I was writing a book about you, us, and you knew no one else would want to be with me knowing I will never love them.  And you still went with someone else knowing you will never love her.  Was it worth it?”  I hate him as much as I love him.

“No.  It wasn’t worth it at all.  I cannot take back what I did, but I know from this day forward it will ever be only me and you.  I promise with everything no one and nothing will try to break us apart ever again.  I am sorry for making things more difficult than they need to be.  I am sorry I didn’t try to see you.  I am a coward,” was that just an honest apology he said?

Somehow I knew that once we met, he would never hurt me again.  The longing for each other was driving both of us mad!  We just needed to see each other in person.

People keep trying to convince us to forget about each other.

“It’s never going to work.  He’s too far and you guys have to do a lot to be together,” some say.

Still, it’s nice to dream about a small family that never got to be born.  It does relax me so much thinking about what could have been.  I cannot forget my own lost family.  Trying to have that life with anyone else is just betrayal.

How he can kiss someone he doesn’t love, I don’t know how he does it.  I know I cannot do it.

I am on my own forever.  I cannot bear the thought to have someone else’s children and I would probably leave another man because I will never love that other man and Mr. Unknown should be with someone who loves him.  I don’t want that half/half family.  I am trying my damn best to have a whole one before it becomes broken.

I have warned him the same if he ever has some one else’s children because he gave up on us, I don’t think I will take him back, either.  I don’t want to raise someone else’s children when they were supposed to be mine with him in the first place.

I sigh, imagining a solitude life…never to have my own family.  I’m always on my own.

At least I get to do whatever I want whenever I want but that gets boring eventually.  I want to spend money on the one I love who loves me the same and would do the same.  I want a lot of things.

Oh well.  Some of the best always get shafted.

Fed Up!

The other day I sent my lost love messages saying how much he ruined my life longing for him and him not even wanting to try out a long distance and that I’m never going to have the dream family I always wanted because it wouldn’t feel right with anyone else.  Since he’s not responding to me, I hope I made him feel like crap.  He acted like he was so in love with me when we were talking to the point where I felt like he would have done anything to see me, but he didn’t.  His actions used to match his words now it doesn’t make sense.  People tell me if he liked me as much as he acted, he would have at least visited me once already.

Of course I got no reply.  I called and left him a voice mail, too.  I don’t like sending these messages to him, but quite honestly, he pisses me off giving up like that and not even meeting me once in person.  I’ve heard of friends telling me they used to talk to someone online, liked them so much but they never met in person.  I don’t want that to happen with me and Travis.  I know if our connection is that amazing just over the Internet and on Skype videos before meeting each other, I really feel like it will be the real deal if we ever met in person!

Even if my local Robert did come around, I just wouldn’t be into it.  I like hanging out and talking with Robert, his friends, going on double dates with his brothers, but that was only for a short time and he did not initiate things further.  He might be too shy people told me.  I want to try to work things out with my long distance, Travis.  I just can’t right now since he is not cooperating at all.

I asked Travis, “What is your fucking problem?  You know it would be worth your while if you or I visited.  It wouldn’t be a wasted trip.  I guess you don’t want to have the best time of your life.”

Love at First Tweet

“Do you have a twitter?” My darling asks me when he first started chatting with me.

“Yeah, but I just gotta warn you…I’m pretty much uncensored on my statuses.  I’ll say what I want when I want and how I want,” I explain.

I did not want him to be on my Facebook account and see my Facebook statuses, because those were even more in depth sometimes.  I laugh.

After checking out my tweets, he replies, “You certainly do speak your mind.”

He makes me laugh so much already and it was the first day talking secretly thinking, Are you going to be okay with having a girlfriend who speaks her mind and doesn’t give a shit if some people are offended by it because there will always be people who will agree and don’t?

The next few days, he kept chatting with me anyway, despite my sentimental tweets.

“You do write some good tweets, though,” he compliments me.

I blush.

Aw, this boy had me at first Tweet Compliment.  Actually he had me at a lot of things.

I really never thought I could fall for someone online…that people would just be good friends.

I thought that it was weird to be in love with someone you haven’t even met in person yet but could still talk to, and it be considered real love.

Yet, this was the realist to “love” I have ever experienced.  Maybe because he managed to talk to me longer than a week and more than two months.

Townies usually only stuck around for a few days, maybe a month or so tops.

“You’re picking the wrong guys.  It’s not you personally, it’s the guys you choose in town,” my roommate says.

Truth.  There wasn’t anything wrong with me.  If a man treats me right, why should I become a crazed man-hating woman if he is doing his part in the relationship?  I don’t.

“I found him.  He found me.  Whatever, we found each other at the same time.  You can rest my friends,” I assure them.

“You two are perfect for each other.  How is this going to work, though?  He’s far away,” my support says.

“I don’t know but it’s going to need to work itself out…somehow…” I feel defeated at such a beautiful soul I was lucky enough to come across ever so randomly one night out of complete boredom.  Speaking of boredom, boredom makes me do questionable things sometimes but I’m glad I was bored that night and met him!  Or should I be “not glad” because I can’t stop thinking about him and it’s driving me crazy when I know the only cure is to feel his touch….

I hate talking about it and thinking about it like word vomit.

But, but, but…we can’t see each other any time soon.  I don’t know when, how, or where.

I feel crappy enough already for not being able to see him, and even more when I don’t feel like talking to guys who do give me the time that I wish My One used to give me.  So much and so little has happened since that first star-crossed day.  I’m just not into trying to be with anyone anymore if it’s not…you…know…who…

thelostxin.com

She often wonders if she will ever feel loved by someone she loves.

She felt something close to it for a while from someone far away but guesses she was not worthy enough to go the distance for.

She tries to write a story to get over it because nothing else seemed to work.

Her mind would always wander back to her lost better half.

There were times when she thought she was in “love” when she knew it was only infatuation and lust.

What she has for him does not compare to any of that.

It has been months now since they last directly spoke.

And she still cannot get him out of her mind.

Is she just doomed to be forever alone?

Who would dare try to talk to a woman who’s heart is not in any future potential relationships?

And he doesn’t seem to care, that’s the worst part.

Do you care how you make me think right now?  Do you CARE? 

She does not need an answer.  She knows he does care but he thinks he cannot do anything about the distance when he can.  He won’t try.

He left her behind which she knew was going to happen with the eight hours in between.

If only he had kept talking to her the way he used to things would have definitely worked out.

If only…

#foreverlost

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