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Most of my stories will be based off of true real life events. I’m sort of stuck in how I want to end my story with this unexpected no contact from my far away love. I could write two versions which would be drastic mood changes. Or should I leave it to one ending and stick with reality?
For new readers to my most epic tale I have ever told, I welcome you. Current readers who have seen us since the beginning unfold, I am happy you are still here to want to know where our journey is headed.
I told him people from all over the world was reading my blog just for our story. He said was happy for me. He said he thought that was so wonderful of you guys to love our story, when we were still talking before our argument yesterday. He’s eight+ hours away and we can’t properly see each other to talk things out in person and some miscommunication happened.
Now I don’t know how to end the story. I cannot write my ending without the star of my show and I don’t want to leave my readers hanging. It would mean a lot if we could trend the hash tag #xinsmissingstar on Twitter and if there is a way here, if you have one to let him know how important it is that I need him to finish writing. I love him because of this connection that we have through my writings. I’ve never had that with any other man before. Most of my crushes just viewed my stories as an angry woman ranting, not him, though.
My lost universe would used to tell me all the time how he thinks I’m a great writer and that meant a lot coming from him, especially my fellow readers, too, I appreciate so much all the positive feedback about my stories. He is my muse.
Xin’s Missing Star
I used to say I would only date people 1 to 3 years younger than me or 1 to 3 years older than me. Then, when people five years younger than me started talking to me more, I thought how many good people I would miss out on just because they are two years younger than my age cut off. It helped that they had interesting personalities for me to want to talk to someone that much younger than my usual preferences and they weren’t dull to talk to.
Once everyone is 19/20+ years-old, I don’t really care.
Most of the people around me are generally younger than me now. Most people talking on the Internet wherever I go are going to be younger than me.
When I first started talking to this particular 19-year-old boy, I saw a maturity level in him to match my age. It wouldn’t have worked otherwise if he didn’t act older than his age. We could talk about very sensitive topics and he had a strong character to not be freaked out by the stories I write about him. I really love him for that. What ultimately pushed him away was when I was feeling the most alone in the world last night. He wasn’t even pushed away that we had talked about semi-seriously talked about our married life together so soon when we first started talking [that's the strong character in him I admire -- you know you've found the one when they don't get freaked out about talking about marriage, not joking about it, but actually talking about it]. It was me freaking out about not being able to save up to see him this summer that pushed him away. I needed him to be there for me, instead he shut me out.
I know he is 8+ hours away. We were planning to meet this summer and we would have had so much fun had we got that far to meet. Work has been setting me back to do that with all these unpaid days off. I always see long distance couples on youtube make their videos and I wanted to make one so much with him to go with our written story.
I can’t make our long distance video without him. I lost one of my most important readers and I don’t know how to get him back: the star of the show! I didn’t mean to make him my whole entire world, but he was a huge part of it.
I now see the 19-year-old side of him. I thought he was mature enough to handle a long distance but we’re both impatient wanting things to happen soon and we can’t make that happen soon since we don’t have the funds, resources, or schedule to currently.
Anyone who has ever been in a really long distance experience, if you could tell me how your story went, I would love to hear other people’s long distance experiences. Anyone who needs someone to talk to about things, I am here for you, too.
With the amount of effort I’m trying to perfect my first novel I’m writing, I could foresee it potentially getting known in the state of the man who I want and his father somehow getting a hold of the book. That would be quite the awkward conversation. I can imagine his father talking to his son saying: who is this girl why is she writing like that? Hahaha. I hope my book will be so well written that his father won’t care and let me be, lol. I could even give them a cut of some of my profits since they did give me my biggest plot idea yet. I don’t say bad things about his son. In fact, his son is one of the most respectable men I have ever met and that’s one thing that really attracted me to Travis.
You know that feeling you get when you think you’ve met The One? I’ve only ever felt that once for someone in my town. I was so sure because usually my Woman’s Intuitions never fail me, I hardly ever used to listen to myself until I finally felt it. I used to give people chances only for them to blow them and waste my time. There were people I have liked who I knew nothing would ever happen with, who were all wrong for me. Then there was one person who could actually do something about liking me and was single, and 15 to 30 minutes away. I thought my luck had finally turned around. We had so much in common, yet were different enough from each other.
Turns out I was wrong. I used to think I was pushing people away for silly deal breakers such as an age gap. Once everyone is a certain age, it doesn’t matter to me. For me, it was the older I dated, the more immature/judgmental they got and I thought people were supposed to grow up at a certain age. So I said to myself, if older adults I meet are going to act immature, I’d rather find a nice young man to have some real fun with. I’m more concerned with a potential spouse respecting me, and I respecting him the same. It is proven, that age is just a number. With each failed attempt with someone, I find myself getting warmer and warmer to the right person for me. I’m starting to not care how we met anymore. If it’s from online and it becomes the best thing I’ve ever had with someone, I’ll be more than happy with that. I was talking with a couple of friends and they noticed something they said, “How come everyone in your town is getting action except for you and your friends?”
I simply reply, “The rest are all settling thinking they can’t do better with what they’ve got. I’m being patient and my time will come. I could easily call some people up right now to get action just the same, but I do not feel a spark with those people and it’s not worth it to me.” Plus, I am not looking for a one night deal type of thing. I’m looking for something meaningful.
All these failed attempts had to happen, to lead me to the right direction. I don’t regret anything now. I used to be so upset when people wasted a lot of my time. I was talking to someone for the whole entire year once, just for him to flake out on me when he got back to town. He was a townie who went to college in another city. I was very upset that he led me on for so long. That doesn’t excuse his hidden secret, which by now he should be open to people more about and not breaking girls hearts’ because he’s too insecure of himself to reveal the real him being afraid of how people would react to it. He should have told me in the beginning instead of wait for when we planned to meet up. Then we would have still been friends. I’m glad things didn’t work out with him. We obviously weren’t right for each other.
Now, I’m acting like a lovesick teenager with someone new I am talking to. What’s so different about this someone new I’m talking to? Well for one, he lives far, far, away. This is something I haven’t really experienced. I used to think it was a waste of time talking to someone far away like that since we couldn’t ever meet in person anyway, until I met someone I would go the distance for. I haven’t touched a man in years. I haven’t been kissed, nothing in years, with seemingly nothing in site to come, at least from my hometown. Okay, I admit that maybe one short tryst was granted access back in April, but even then, it’s nearly been a YEAR from that point, and two Junes ago before that. However, I remember it did not satisfy me. I need to pick up a new hobby so the one I think about nowadays does not constantly consume my mind. How many hobbies do I need to pick up? I have more than enough, honestly. Just ask anyone that knows me how many things I can MOTHER FUCKING do!
Someone knocks on the door to my place. I had just finally moved into a house after being in a small dinky apartment for years. The last thing I have left to achieve is being able to share my happiness with who I want to spend the rest of my life with. They always say everything will fall into place. Perhaps, I never found someone before because I didn’t have my priorities in order. Now with everything aligning once again, maybe I can finally relax with the person I have been longing for. We both had to have our priorities straight before we could spend our time together.
I open the door and there he is.
“You drove 8 to 9 hours to see me?” I pulled him inside and we give each other a great big hug, finally meeting each other for the first time in person after seeing each other lots of times on video chat. “People 15 minutes away won’t come to fucking see me.”
I used to be scared at how awkward our first meeting would be, but it’s not awkward at all. He was like a long lost friend I haven’t seen in a while and we’re catching up. I’ve met people from online before locally and it wasn’t awkward. The only difference now is this man came from a zillion miles away.
“I did, and you’re worth it and they’re stupid to not want to see you,” he looks into my eyes and plays with strands of my hair.
“And you were about to give up on me, what made you change your mind to try?”
“I just had this hunch. I was being stupid to think this wouldn’t work just because of a few states between us,” he says.
We are the same height and same size, maybe he’s an inch taller. I love that I don’t have to stand on my tippy toes to look into his eyes nor to kiss him. It’s like he’s perfect for me. I used to think I had to settle for someone tall because at the time, that person was the only one I could find who was decent enough. I say to myself, I can find someone around my height if I try. I don’t need to be miserable accepting someone really tall when I’m short stuff.
I’m amazed he came all this way and I’m playing with his face like he came out of the computer screen and teleported here.
“You look so much better in person,” he’s checking me out.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” I jokingly give him a hard time.
“I must correct myself. You look even more beautiful in person,” he states.
“Well, the camera and computer does add ten pounds to someone,” I laugh.
I can’t believe he’s finally here after so many months of longing for him, and so many months thinking this wasn’t worth the wait but it was. It so was.
The alarm sounds. Is it time to wake up already? I am sulking and climb out of bed ready to start the day.
My roommate Eric is sitting at the kitchen table eating cereal and looks at me as I come out of my room looking miserable as fuck.
“What the hell?” Eric looks like he wants to throw that carton of milk at me that’s next to his cereal bowl for looking so depressed all the time. “Stop doing this to yourself.”
“I know, I know. I can’t help it sometimes. I want it to work so badly with Travis but I don’t know how it will when he’s all the way over there and I’m all the way over here.”
“Maybe you should just give up and find someone else here,” Eric says.
“Well thanks a lot for the words of encouragement,” I say to him.
“Look, I know you really do like Travis and I wish it would work out with you two. I’m just trying to be realistic here.”
“Have you seen the jank men in our city?”
“Yes, and you’ll find a diamond in the rough if you try,” Eric insists.
My Journey to Something New
I have never been in a true long distance relationship. Michigan to Indiana isn’t too far. I can be in Michigan in an instant. I was just in Kalamazoo not too long ago for a video shoot. I won’t count visiting someone in Michigan years ago, especially since we occasionally visit Michigan here and there. I’m talking states down, states further away. I’ve visited friends whenever they moved to a different state, but we weren’t dating, just friends visiting each other. I haven’t actually ever really wanted a life with someone who lives far away until now. How do people do it? How do they do it? People ask me how I do something like this, that they could never do something like that. I didn’t think I could, either. In fact, whenever I would meet previous Internet friends I still keep in touch with who were interested in me as more, I always said I just only wanted to be friends because I would prefer it if I didn’t do long distance, especially since I am on a budget right now trying to save for a car. With the right person, I can.
For now, all we can be is good friends getting to know each other better each day. I used to think I couldn’t ever feel real ridiculous “like” for someone over the computer I haven’t physically met in person, that they would mainly be Internet friends who have fun talking to each other from time to time, until I started video chatting. I know someone from my high school graduating class and she is in a long distance engagement I think. They’ve been dating for years and are now getting married soon. I’m not that close of friends with her anymore, don’t think I ever was, but her getting engaged to someone in Denver while we are here in Indiana gives me hope for my situation. I wish my interest won’t give up and I think my interest is a little closer [still far, but closer] than Colorado to Indiana. My heart belongs to him down south, a southern boy.
I know these things take time, but I have a good feeling that if we hung out once in person we’d know what we’d ultimately want from each other. I know it’s kind of pointless to make our relationship official right now when we can’t even meet at this point. However, in my heart, I just know. There have been other men to try to talk to me: in my hometown, and in other states that I am not particularly interested in having a relationship with because I am determined to beat all odds this time. I don’t want to give up on this the way I gave up on my last Indiana hope before I climb mountains for my man.
I’m just so afraid you’ll meet someone before both of our schedules are free to see each other. I’m so afraid and I don’t want that to happen because if you meet someone from your hometown, then I can’t talk to you anymore. I know I told you I won’t be talking to anyone else any time soon in that way. I ended things finally with my last Indiana boy and told Charley he can’t keep playing around with me when I’m trying to have a relationship. I won’t ever forget Charley. He was a truly big inspiration in my life working 12 hours a day, going to college and taking care of his two kids at 21-years-old. He also learned the lessons I taught him in life to become a better person. His friends before he met me, I have a feeling didn’t tell him to grow up even though he is 21 with two children. Since he met me, he became more mature. I won’t forget him for that reason that a man from my hometown finally listened to what I was trying to say, it’s just that he has a life with someone else already and Charley needs to stick with it. I’m ready to begin my journey to something new and unknown.
My first post in my “Imagine This” category.
I can’t help but keep thinking about what being married to you would be like. We’d save money and travel the world together.
I know we’re just joking about it now, but I can totally see it happening the way we say it will be, even if it is just joking at the moment.
We both don’t care to be stinking rich, only want to have enough to get whatever we want/need without money being a problem.
I don’t care about any Indiana boy any more. I don’t care. I want you. Go figure my last Indiana hope would try to contact me as soon as I say I wish I could be with you. It’s like E.S.P. kicks in for him and he knows I’m fading from him and I don’t care for his disappearing and reappearing acts anymore.
Will I ever see you? Will you ever visit? Will I ever meet you? Babe, I love seeing you on video chat. I wish we would video chat more often, but I probably know why we don’t. I just want you to teleport off your screen into my bedroom, or I into yours.
I know about over protective parents. You don’t have to tell me. I was still in my 20s living at home and still had a curfew to come home by midnight…I know! I think your dad would like me if he got to know me and you know he would. He would say, “She’s great for you, son. Maybe you need an older woman (I’m not that old, though, haha) to make you become even more mature. That’s only helping you!” I would only bring out the best in you. We are less than 9 years apart.
Would you really want to waste all this money to visit me just for it to be a fling? If so, I don’t want it. If you were to visit, I’d want to at least see if we could work out. All this marriage talk with you is only breaking my heart because I don’t even know if we’ll ever find the time to visit each other with our busy schedules, and us being so far away.
I imagine me typing my stories and you sitting at the dinner table reading your newspapers and us relaxing on a quiet evening.
(haha, we’re going to have some fun traveling before that phase)