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Charley was the last man I talked to in my hometown before I gave up on my state and started to look elsewhere. He wasn’t like any of the other men I talked to before him. The whole reason why I liked him in the first place was because at such a young age 21-years-old, he was already working 12-hour shifts everyday, going to college on top of that. He honestly makes me wonder what the hell I did at 21-years-old. I’m not sure how much he relied on his parents and his wife’s parents for support, but he himself, has a decent paying job where I met him at to take care of his kids on his own. We don’t work together anymore. I found another job. Charley makes my 5-year fling with an “ex,” he makes my “ex” look so much like a scrub, and my “ex” is 28-years-old.
All I did at 21-years-old was live in the dorms and finish college, barely work part-time and I have no children. I didn’t think he’d have time for anything else then I find out he has two small children. At the time I was unsure if he was still with the mother of his children. I was willing to let my usual deal breaker of not hanging out with a man who has children slide. It’s really not that I’m insecure of his history with what would have been his ex. I’d just rather not talk to her, not see her. And here in my hometown, some bitches actually want to start drama with a girlfriend/wife when I’d rather not see nor talk to one period! Honestly, though.
I never did anything at all with Charley. We just talked as friends, but I did say I liked him. He tried to be friends with me after we argued, it’s just that, it was too weird and awkward for me. I can’t keep in contact with him. It sucks because I think we both need more friends and only talk to barely any other people at all. I think that’s why he sometimes called me out of the blue after I thought he would have forgotten about me. Then one day, his wife called me for no good reason, actually. I could have been friends with her, too, since I need to hang out with more women instead of mostly men all the time, it’s just that the situation was SO weird. She wasn’t malicious in her phone call, she actually sounded like a decent person. I know she was about to ask me a question but I wasn’t going to let her finish her question and hung up on her. That call sent me a friendly reminder that there are some deal breakers I should keep: Do not date someone who has to keep in contact with his ex and/or with children. I will make no exceptions ever again, no matter how ambitious a man is.
Charley was a man who had huge tattoos all over his arms and didn’t seem like a father figure at all: SO wrong for me. Some people think I was a huge college partier and I’m like, NOPE! I’ve only been to three or four parties tops in my life, mostly working. I used to go out sometimes in college, but not that much. I’m glad I didn’t have anything with Charley because I met the most amazing man for me after Charley. Although it is long distance, my friends are keeping their fingers crossed that it will work out with Travis and me. I am hoping so, too.
Chapter 2: Ok! Fun
A while back, I had signed up for Ok! Cupid out of pure boredom and for kicks. I kept my account open. Sometimes I would get messages from people on there but I wouldn’t reply because I’m not serious about meeting anyone in person from there at all. My account was just opened from before but I wouldn’t go on there to purposely search for people.
One man said to me, “You are too beautiful to be on any dating site, why are you on here?”
Oh, I replied, “The men in my city are dumb asses, that’s why unfortunately, but it’s true. They’d rather date skanks who start drama who don’t respect themselves and I hate to say I’m not a woman like that, sorry. I’d like to hang out as stress free as possible. The men around my age in my town are fucked up that’s why. I’m shocked I still have a straight head screwed on dealing with lots of these kinds of people daily who make up vicious rumors.”
I’m shocked I found the few decent friends that I have in all this mess to be honest. I’m trying this new thing to surround myself with good people and the people who are bringing me down, can be out of the picture.
Most of the men who message me on Ok! Cupid are older like in their thirties and have children already and I really would rather not date someone who has children nor that old.
“Don’t write off every townie,” these words echo in my brain said by Eric my roommate.
I don’t like going to a dating site to meet someone. I like to go to sites where you can make friends and the main purpose isn’t finding someone to date but finding friends with similar interests.
While I was bored one night, I got on Omegle again and met another man named Jake who lives in Texas and goes to Texas A & M. I’ve heard of that college. Isn’t that where Johnny Football went, or was it Alabama? I forget. I’m not a sports buff so I wouldn’t know.
Another person far away. Decent man, likes talking to me, but again, all I could think about was Travis down south. I’m sorry, Jake, you’re cute but not for me and not someone I would go the distance for.
I feel so bad whenever these guys try to talk sexy to me they have no idea I’m not even thinking about them the way they’re thinking about me. I just want to make a new friend that’s all, nothing more. I’m glad Baseball Guy knows where my heart is and wants to be just friends.
I would always ask guys on Omegle if they talk to other guys on there. They say, yeah they do. Whenever I see a girl on there, I want to make more female friends, even if they are far away, it’s just that they’re mostly much younger than me, like 15 or 16, not that young. Then we could have Girl Talk and talk about whatever either of us want to talk about to pass the time. I talked to a girl once. I’m not a lesbian or bisexual, just looking for more friends also females, too. The chat froze on us. I have a girl pen pal who I have been talking to since the 8th grade who lives in Australia. This is a place I’d like to visit some day and I have a friend there, too. We tell each other everything we wouldn’t tell our real life friends! She talks to me about her boyfriend and friends and I talk to her about my stuff, too.
Sometimes I don’t make it obvious that I’m a girl on Omegle. I like to be in a Tom Boy chilling mood at times and I wonder if some girls on there think I’m an Asian guy, hah! Seriously, I can be the girliest of girls or look like a boy. It’s however I want to look for that day.
I corresponded with a couple of townies on Ok! Cupid, also, but none I’d want to meet. For friends possibly, but I know they want more and I don’t want more from them. I’m just looking for new friends to hang out with in my town if anything. It gets kind of repetitive hanging out with my roommates all the time. Don’t get me wrong, we’re all bros until the end, but we need to meet more people instead of sticking with ourselves.
Eric still tries to be friends with his ex who is engaged to someone else [after a month of dating] just to have a friend.
I asked him one day, “Why do you want to be friends with someone who said all those horrible things about you who treats your other friends like crap as well?”
“I try to be friends with everybody when I can,” that’s just him he says.
“You don’t want to be friends with everybody. Not everyone is good to be around. Choose the right friends to make amends with,” I say.
You know that feeling you get when you think you’ve met The One? I’ve only ever felt that once for someone in my town. I was so sure because usually my Woman’s Intuitions never fail me, I hardly ever used to listen to myself until I finally felt it. I used to give people chances only for them to blow them and waste my time. There were people I have liked who I knew nothing would ever happen with, who were all wrong for me. Then there was one person who could actually do something about liking me and was single, and 15 to 30 minutes away. I thought my luck had finally turned around. We had so much in common, yet were different enough from each other.
Turns out I was wrong. I used to think I was pushing people away for silly deal breakers such as an age gap. Once everyone is a certain age, it doesn’t matter to me. For me, it was the older I dated, the more immature/judgmental they got and I thought people were supposed to grow up at a certain age. So I said to myself, if older adults I meet are going to act immature, I’d rather find a nice young man to have some real fun with. I’m more concerned with a potential spouse respecting me, and I respecting him the same. It is proven, that age is just a number. With each failed attempt with someone, I find myself getting warmer and warmer to the right person for me. I’m starting to not care how we met anymore. If it’s from online and it becomes the best thing I’ve ever had with someone, I’ll be more than happy with that. I was talking with a couple of friends and they noticed something they said, “How come everyone in your town is getting action except for you and your friends?”
I simply reply, “The rest are all settling thinking they can’t do better with what they’ve got. I’m being patient and my time will come. I could easily call some people up right now to get action just the same, but I do not feel a spark with those people and it’s not worth it to me.” Plus, I am not looking for a one night deal type of thing. I’m looking for something meaningful.
All these failed attempts had to happen, to lead me to the right direction. I don’t regret anything now. I used to be so upset when people wasted a lot of my time. I was talking to someone for the whole entire year once, just for him to flake out on me when he got back to town. He was a townie who went to college in another city. I was very upset that he led me on for so long. That doesn’t excuse his hidden secret, which by now he should be open to people more about and not breaking girls hearts’ because he’s too insecure of himself to reveal the real him being afraid of how people would react to it. He should have told me in the beginning instead of wait for when we planned to meet up. Then we would have still been friends. I’m glad things didn’t work out with him. We obviously weren’t right for each other.
Now, I’m acting like a lovesick teenager with someone new I am talking to. What’s so different about this someone new I’m talking to? Well for one, he lives far, far, away. This is something I haven’t really experienced. I used to think it was a waste of time talking to someone far away like that since we couldn’t ever meet in person anyway, until I met someone I would go the distance for. I haven’t touched a man in years. I haven’t been kissed, nothing in years, with seemingly nothing in site to come, at least from my hometown. Okay, I admit that maybe one short tryst was granted access back in April, but even then, it’s nearly been a YEAR from that point, and two Junes ago before that. However, I remember it did not satisfy me. I need to pick up a new hobby so the one I think about nowadays does not constantly consume my mind. How many hobbies do I need to pick up? I have more than enough, honestly. Just ask anyone that knows me how many things I can MOTHER FUCKING do!
Someone knocks on the door to my place. I had just finally moved into a house after being in a small dinky apartment for years. The last thing I have left to achieve is being able to share my happiness with who I want to spend the rest of my life with. They always say everything will fall into place. Perhaps, I never found someone before because I didn’t have my priorities in order. Now with everything aligning once again, maybe I can finally relax with the person I have been longing for. We both had to have our priorities straight before we could spend our time together.
I open the door and there he is.
“You drove 8 to 9 hours to see me?” I pulled him inside and we give each other a great big hug, finally meeting each other for the first time in person after seeing each other lots of times on video chat. “People 15 minutes away won’t come to fucking see me.”
I used to be scared at how awkward our first meeting would be, but it’s not awkward at all. He was like a long lost friend I haven’t seen in a while and we’re catching up. I’ve met people from online before locally and it wasn’t awkward. The only difference now is this man came from a zillion miles away.
“I did, and you’re worth it and they’re stupid to not want to see you,” he looks into my eyes and plays with strands of my hair.
“And you were about to give up on me, what made you change your mind to try?”
“I just had this hunch. I was being stupid to think this wouldn’t work just because of a few states between us,” he says.
We are the same height and same size, maybe he’s an inch taller. I love that I don’t have to stand on my tippy toes to look into his eyes nor to kiss him. It’s like he’s perfect for me. I used to think I had to settle for someone tall because at the time, that person was the only one I could find who was decent enough. I say to myself, I can find someone around my height if I try. I don’t need to be miserable accepting someone really tall when I’m short stuff.
I’m amazed he came all this way and I’m playing with his face like he came out of the computer screen and teleported here.
“You look so much better in person,” he’s checking me out.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” I jokingly give him a hard time.
“I must correct myself. You look even more beautiful in person,” he states.
“Well, the camera and computer does add ten pounds to someone,” I laugh.
I can’t believe he’s finally here after so many months of longing for him, and so many months thinking this wasn’t worth the wait but it was. It so was.
The alarm sounds. Is it time to wake up already? I am sulking and climb out of bed ready to start the day.
My roommate Eric is sitting at the kitchen table eating cereal and looks at me as I come out of my room looking miserable as fuck.
“What the hell?” Eric looks like he wants to throw that carton of milk at me that’s next to his cereal bowl for looking so depressed all the time. “Stop doing this to yourself.”
“I know, I know. I can’t help it sometimes. I want it to work so badly with Travis but I don’t know how it will when he’s all the way over there and I’m all the way over here.”
“Maybe you should just give up and find someone else here,” Eric says.
“Well thanks a lot for the words of encouragement,” I say to him.
“Look, I know you really do like Travis and I wish it would work out with you two. I’m just trying to be realistic here.”
“Have you seen the jank men in our city?”
“Yes, and you’ll find a diamond in the rough if you try,” Eric insists.
My Journey to Something New
I have never been in a true long distance relationship. Michigan to Indiana isn’t too far. I can be in Michigan in an instant. I was just in Kalamazoo not too long ago for a video shoot. I won’t count visiting someone in Michigan years ago, especially since we occasionally visit Michigan here and there. I’m talking states down, states further away. I’ve visited friends whenever they moved to a different state, but we weren’t dating, just friends visiting each other. I haven’t actually ever really wanted a life with someone who lives far away until now. How do people do it? How do they do it? People ask me how I do something like this, that they could never do something like that. I didn’t think I could, either. In fact, whenever I would meet previous Internet friends I still keep in touch with who were interested in me as more, I always said I just only wanted to be friends because I would prefer it if I didn’t do long distance, especially since I am on a budget right now trying to save for a car. With the right person, I can.
For now, all we can be is good friends getting to know each other better each day. I used to think I couldn’t ever feel real ridiculous “like” for someone over the computer I haven’t physically met in person, that they would mainly be Internet friends who have fun talking to each other from time to time, until I started video chatting. I know someone from my high school graduating class and she is in a long distance engagement I think. They’ve been dating for years and are now getting married soon. I’m not that close of friends with her anymore, don’t think I ever was, but her getting engaged to someone in Denver while we are here in Indiana gives me hope for my situation. I wish my interest won’t give up and I think my interest is a little closer [still far, but closer] than Colorado to Indiana. My heart belongs to him down south, a southern boy.
I know these things take time, but I have a good feeling that if we hung out once in person we’d know what we’d ultimately want from each other. I know it’s kind of pointless to make our relationship official right now when we can’t even meet at this point. However, in my heart, I just know. There have been other men to try to talk to me: in my hometown, and in other states that I am not particularly interested in having a relationship with because I am determined to beat all odds this time. I don’t want to give up on this the way I gave up on my last Indiana hope before I climb mountains for my man.
I’m just so afraid you’ll meet someone before both of our schedules are free to see each other. I’m so afraid and I don’t want that to happen because if you meet someone from your hometown, then I can’t talk to you anymore. I know I told you I won’t be talking to anyone else any time soon in that way. I ended things finally with my last Indiana boy and told Charley he can’t keep playing around with me when I’m trying to have a relationship. I won’t ever forget Charley. He was a truly big inspiration in my life working 12 hours a day, going to college and taking care of his two kids at 21-years-old. He also learned the lessons I taught him in life to become a better person. His friends before he met me, I have a feeling didn’t tell him to grow up even though he is 21 with two children. Since he met me, he became more mature. I won’t forget him for that reason that a man from my hometown finally listened to what I was trying to say, it’s just that he has a life with someone else already and Charley needs to stick with it. I’m ready to begin my journey to something new and unknown.
Baby, you don’t even know what you do to me. I keep imagining how much FUN we would have if we were to meet in person with all the things that we have talked about: snowboarding, skiing, surfing, etc. Since you’re by mountains, maybe hiking one day? A picnic in a hidden area in the mountains. If we both get lost hiking we’d have each other, but I hope we won’t get lost, lol.
I’ve really wanted to meet a person I like from in person just like you wanted to as well, but I seriously give up in defeat. Honestly, you think I don’t want to meet someone with an epic story in person? I do. I get it, letting fate deal its hands unexpectedly. Well you were unexpected, too. I have a feeling a person I like I’m going to meet is from online. Whenever I talk with you, I don’t feel like we’re about sex at all, even though you make me wanna show you things on cam I wouldn’t show others. I have real conversations with you because I know you also like me for my personality and not just my looks. Some people I run into only care about how I look and it’s not just about that. I get happy whenever you text me, and then get sad whenever we don’t talk. You light up my life currently, I hope you know. I know we all need our space and don’t need to talk all the time, but since it would be long distance do things change? Sometimes when we don’t talk for a while, I feel like you’re not interested anymore, but then we get to talking again and it goes from there.
I would move for you if it came to that point. I know you’ve stayed at your job longer and I want to get out of Indiana. Never in a million years did I imagine I’d be in your state for anything. I’ve always wanted to move to California or New York and did not have your state in mind at all before I met you.
You must be so wonderful in person to be around, and have a bubbly personality. I hope we shall meet some day soon. Girls are stupid not giving you a chance from what you’ve told me and why. I don’t want you to move to Indiana. I think there’s something in the waters in Indiana that makes most people act shitty and you might turn into a person I won’t like in the end if you were the one to move to where I am. I’m shocked I’m still a decent person considering all the morons here I’ve had to deal with daily you’d think they’d turn me into a moron. There are very few decent people here: men and women alike. I was discussing this with a friend today that most women where we are don’t give two shits if a guy is married, taken or has a family, they’ll get the D anywhere they can and only have concerns for their needs. I mean, after all, I’m looking for someone in a different state and don’t want to go back to square one.
Some of the ones that I would possibly give a chance live too far from me and I don’t do long distance. I’m trying to figure out why I’m single and why I can’t get a nice, good-looking guy. Why are all the ones that are nice to me not exactly attractive? And even ugly ones think they can be pretentious to me to which I say who do they think they are? I think it’s only fair that I should have a chance at someone who looks decent when I look and act decent for someone as well. If someone isn’t physically attracted to someone they can’t force it and I’m not a bad person for that. I’ve tried giving an ugly guy a chance, I’ve written about him before and he irritated me with his ego even though he didn’t have the looks to act the way he did. Are all the good looking guys really taken and the ones that are good looking and single jerks? Seems like it.
I’m too smart. They don’t like a girl with brains. That must be it. I always outsmart them and their mind games.
I’m too good looking. Maybe, that’s it. They don’t want to take a girl like me to the club even though when I’ve been to clubs and bars before I’ve had other guys tell my then “date” how lucky they are to have someone pretty like me on their arm and the guy I went with wasn’t a boyfriend or a date, just a friend. Maybe they don’t like that attractive attention that I bring, is that right?
The infamous I’m Too Nice. Do they really like bitchy girls? I hate to say, I’m not one. Do men think that just because I’m too nice they think they can get away with anything they do?
Is it because I’m too forgiving? I give the shitty men a second chance to turn it around and he still thought he could try and treat me like a one night stand then a few weeks later he’s in a relationship with this emo-looking girl. He did say that I probably think he’s a scrub when I honestly didn’t think he was. I liked his ambition which made up for his other things he was lacking.
I’m too funny. They don’t want a funny girl, right? They want a girl that’s always serious, all the time, is that right?
I’m too lenient. I always let men do what they want and I don’t keep tabs on them because at the end of the day they’re supposed to come home to me…maybe you don’t like that freedom right? I’m not the girl that be looking in your phone for other girls you’re messaging behind my back. I don’t care what you do because once I find out if something fishy is going on out in the open, I’ll drop ya like a hot potato. Don’t think I’ll take you back if I’ve found out you’ve cheated on me.