The Silence is Broken

I knew there was a reason why I kept doing what I did.  He finally said something to me two days ago after months of ignoring me.  Yesterday it was so awful I was soooo angry at him with the way he was trying to get smart with me when he knew what he was saying wasn’t true at all.  All he had to do was give us the proper remembrance and I could have moved on peacefully.  The more he denied what we had the more angry I got.

He knew he messed up ignoring me when things were good despite the 600 miles in between, and not telling me what was going on.  That’s one of the good things I like about him, that in a way, he sort of owns up to his faults, but when he denies us, I get angry.  He knew it was so much more than what he’s saying.  I told him if it was as little as he said what was between us, does he really think I’d be this upset in not talking anymore?  No, I wouldn’t.  I told him what about the time I wrote about the first day we “met” on and he came back to me for a few days because of short story?  Then he drifted once more and we are where we’re at now.  Did he forget about that week again?  I asked him how he could forget about us like that while I can never forget.

Whenever I couldn’t sleep at night, I would send him twenty messages for 1 or 2 hours straight.  At first, it really wasn’t drama texts.  It was soothing words trying to get him to not give up because of the distance and I think he let me send those to help me try to get over him.  I thought that maybe if I sent him every last thought, it might help me to get over him but it didn’t.  It just made me miss him more.  I kept texting him little passages in my book coming out about us and I know it made him cry even if he won’t admit it.  He knows how I’m a good writer.  He’s said so himself I am before to him, so he knows I have a way with words.

What got him to speak to me was when I said, “So you’d rather talk to some hoes who you don’t love that don’t love you than talk to me who loves you unconditionally, just because they’re nearby you’d rather talk to them?”

He replies how he doesn’t know what fantasy world I’m living in and that he wants nothing to do with me, that it’s never going to work out; he can’t just up and leave to be with me.  I told him I wanted us to be real that I didn’t want to live in a fantasy world about us anymore.  I chewed him out again saying what a liar he is.  I dared him to say he wants nothing to do with me to my face.  No, he’d be all over me in person wanting me.  I said the day he denies me to my face in person is the day I believe him.  The distance is turning him into a demon and all I want to do is to see him in person and I know neither of us would act this way.

I then said, “I’m looking for someone responsible to have a loving stable family with some day.  I thought you were that person.  Is that so wrong of me to think that about you?  Is that so wrong of me to want that with you?”  I knew that got him to feel bad because he never texted something smart back to me again.  In fact, he never texted me back at all.

So I called him and left him a voice mail saying, “This isn’t just about you.  It’s about our future not-conceived children, too trying to give them a good home.  Why is it that you don’t want a good life for your, well our children?”  I said because that’s what he’s denying when he denies, “us.”  I told him how most of his generation these days play around too much (flirt with guys who are talking to their best friends) and are irresponsible.  He knows that’s true.  Even girls his generation are always ragging on other girls around his age or younger.

When he told me a few things about himself when we first started talking, he said some things to me for me to think he’d provide a loving stable family environment and would never dream to cheat on me.  In fact, I wouldn’t have to worry about him cheating on me at all and that’s what I want: to be with someone and not have to think he’s cheating on me cross my mind ever.  Since he’s never experienced me in person, he doesn’t know my full capabilities.    But because he’s caving in to girls nearby him just because they’re nearby while he hasn’t met me in person, it’s different with thinking about “cheating.”

I asked him, “Do you really think I want to purposely think about someone who doesn’t appear to be thinking about me?  I don’t want to waste my thoughts on someone who is not thinking about me.  I want to think about someone who is thinking about ME, but my heart and soul won’t let me forget you when my brain wants you out of my system.”

I said to him, “Do you know how many guys want to be you to talk to me?  Do you know how many guys want to have their way with me I turn them down?  You have me and you want the distance to win.  You know what? ”  I didn’t hold back.

“If any of your friends found out about us, they’d think you’re the crazy one for passing up a dedicated, loyal girl like me, with great morals, and looks, just because of a few hundred miles and financial issues.  And you would disappoint your father as well,”

I kept going, “But if you want to be with a duck-faced bitch who wears too much make up who flirts with all your friends, maybe that’s what you deserve since you want easy and nearby.  You don’t like when things get hard and difficult.”

I said, “This is what’s going to happen to your future without me:  you could either work on trying to have a good life with me, or be miserable bouncing from girl to girl like you’re doing right now trying to find that spark with someone else which you’re never going to find with anyone else.”

He really hasn’t been stable, either since he’s tried to forget about me bouncing from girl to girl and I laugh if he thinks he’ll provide a stable family environment with someone else.

He never said anything to me again.

And I said, “After you’re done being a whore, you’d better do some serious groveling because we’re stuck with a long distance for now whether you like it or not and doing what you’re doing isn’t making it any easier for us.”

A few thoughts.

So basically, not too long ago I’ve had a few nosy lurkers try to start drama at my blog and because of this, I’m kind of not wanting to put the link to my book on my blog.  I apologize to those who have been anxiously waiting for my book.  I do want to get the link out, but safely away from negative people.  I don’t mind constructive criticism, but I don’t tolerate blatant hate.  These anonymous people will do anything to tear someone down and I refuse to let them trash my book that is dedicated to someone special and my true friends, also my reading and writing buddies here (and everywhere) I have dedicated a special section to those who have encouraged me to write.  I’ve worked really hard on this project and I would like some honest reviews and do want to promote the link at my blog, but with some nosy people who have nothing better to do at my site than irritate people, my link isn’t safe anywhere.

I may decide to post it anyway later on and say just, “Screw the haters.”   I am hoping if someone posts a false review just to aggravate me that someone else can post a real review who has read the book.  The nosy anonymous people are still lurking my site for some reason even though they are not here to keep updated about my novel progress and if it’s one thing that really does irritate me, it’s haterz who have bullied me off a forum and yet, still proceed to check up on me and my blog.  I wish there was a spray called, “Gossipers be gone.”

My blog is not for your source of drama entertainment.  The only entertainment I provide is reading and writing material with meaningful messages in the paragraphs.

I appreciate all my readers who have been very understanding about my dilemma with the anonymous people.

Watching Regular TV again.

For years I have had cable, or I didn’t watch TV at all spending more time writing.  I forgot all about Maury!  That show is hilarious.  Today’s re-run was about twins fooling their boyfriends/girlfriends.  I was glad to find out that one of the twins never cheated on her and never cheated on her with her best friend.

I haven’t dated a twin, I have had crushes on twins before, but the only thing I have experienced coming close to that was kind of talking to someone who is an identical triplet, a few months ago which of course didn’t work out for obvious reasons.  I always thought it would be fun dating someone who is a twin and going out on double dates.  That’s really nasty though that they would pretend to be a twin to get with their girlfriends/boyfriends.  Don’t they find that disgusting to get with someone a family member has also slept with?

Work Rant

Some people say we should be careful with what we say on the Internet about work because it will catch up to you later on.  What if you are being bullied by your own boss but you have to stay at this low pay job for now because this is the only thing that will get back with me immediately where I live?  I have stayed at this job willingly as well because I like working with the people I work with out on the warehouse floor.  Staying at this job has been stopping me to find something better, but I am always complimented by my floor supervisor and the forklift drivers for my excellent work so I stay.  I could have found a higher paying job with a full 40 hour work week, but I still stayed here with this company.  Who would willingly stay for a 25 hour work week at a low pay job, besides me and a few others.  And why?  I’m cool with my co-workers and floor supervisor who I work with out in the warehouse, but I question my boss sometimes and one other office person.  My boss of all people is giving me crap when everyone else is fine with me and always tells me I should get a raise for what I do.  I have gone above and beyond my job description, I’m fun to work with.  She doesn’t even really work with me.  She just checks up on people from time to time.

This job ends in August or whenever the orders stop coming in, and they don’t hire the pickers in so I don’t know why she is making it difficult for people to work there.

Other people always call off and she’s taking it out on me when I’ve always stayed to work no matter how ill I was feeling I didn’t take a day off.  I’ve never taken a day off with my hand that has eight stitches.  Since I’m getting my stitches taken out, I called off and she gave me crap for it.  The other lady hung up on me when I called into the office I called back and the boss said, “Ok, whatever thanks.”  I’m like, really?  This would only be my second and last time that I’ve missed work, but I’ve always had very legitimate excuses to take days off.  They have seen my hand so I don’t know why she is being stuck up about it.  I can still type because it’s healing so it’s okay now. It was kind of bad a few days ago.  I’ve been moving my hand muscles a lot so my hand doesn’t lock up.

I’ve maybe missed once a long time ago, but I still stayed after and did a fantastic job every time I felt like going home for a stomach ache or migraine, I always stayed when my allergies were acting up.  I would sneeze every five minutes and had red eyes — still stayed and worked.  I didn’t make excuses.  So I don’t know why she is giving me an attitude problem.  Perhaps she expects better from me to never miss one day.  I don’t know, maybe that’s it?

I’ve forgiven her for what she did to me one other time, even though I’ve never done anything outrageous to make her think she could treat me the way she is treating me.  Any conversations she over heard me having with others were always said on break.  I’ve always done good work for her, my floor supervisor always compliments me.  I keep to myself, mind my own business…so none of this stuff should be happening right?  Wrong.

I never expected this type of behavior from my own boss.  I said to myself I don’t have to stay at this job if this is how she wants to treat her temp employee that’s stayed there the longest.  Just because someone is a boss doesn’t mean they can act like a tyrant.  My support says I can find another job, but what if this happens at another work place which it has happened before?  I said if I find the right job, it won’t happen like that.

And honestly, in the end I want to work for myself.  When I work for myself, I’m valued more by my customers who give me great testimonials as an entrepreneur.  I just don’t have the marketing skills to make my company grow.  However, I want to have another job with an established company, too, to do great work for them as well, not just for myself.  I have a lot of useful knowledge that would be great for a place that my skill set is directed towards.  Not only would having another job with someone else benefit me, but it would also benefit them, too.

If people would stop causing problems with me at work when I never treated anyone poorly in the first place, they would see just how valuable an employee can be.  I’m waiting for such a company who wants to make someone feel like I want to do well for them and stay there.  I know a company is out there!

A Writing Conversation

The other day on lunch break, a co-worker friend tells me he thinks that I talk to guys so I can write about them for research, to get ideas from them.

I told him, that’s half true.  However, they do volunteer to be in my stories, but mainly, I’m looking for a man who is touched by my words, not just wants to read something to read to pass the time.  Since writing is 90% of my life, that’s a part of me that he has to like because I’ll be talking about writing a lot.  And the reason I have been having difficulties in letting go of someone, is because my words have touched his soul from far away.  Some people think we talked about silly things and laughed at our age gap (8 1/2 years isn’t that big of a deal he’s 20 and I’m 28), but they have no idea the deep conversations we used to have with each other.

That’s how I got him to remember the first day we started talking and he came back for one night after not talking to me for a while, but then drifted again.  My far away love read my story about the first day we “met” online and came back for one night after not talking for a while!  I finally found that connection with someone and it was so amazing!  I said that was going to be one of the signs to determine who is The One for me: someone who falls for me in my stories and that’s what someone 7 to 8 hours away did.  I don’t get it.  Every time I write a romance story about what could have been with him, he reacts to it the way I want him to, but how are we not able to be together?  Maybe now is not the time.  Maybe when I focus on getting a good job things will start to work out with him after I find a good job, not these low pay jobs.

I may have changed names to protect identities, but when a lost love used to read my blog, he knew I was talking about him.  He’d always text me saying he just read a story of mine and didn’t want me to think bad things about him that he really wants me but that he can’t do a long distance.  God, I loved those conversations about my stories about us I would have with him.  It would make me fall for him more and more and he was in so deep with me.  With the way he was acting about me you would have thought he would have crossed mountains for me.  I know the only way my book would work is on him.  It can’t just work with anyone, writing a book for someone trying to get them back in that way, that is.

Finding my Social Circle

People often wonder why I don’t have many friends.  It’s not because there’s “something wrong with me.”  It’s because I used to be a people person but then people and their lies/unfaithfulness happened.  People didn’t want to get to know a person.  I had a discussion about this with some others a long time ago who have experienced what I went through how they say they try to make friends but people won’t get to know them.

Today a friend asked me in person who isn’t much of a computer person, “Why do you do that Internet dating/friendship thing?”

I say, “Because people in person think they know someone in five seconds and don’t talk to people anymore or they think they know people through gossip.”  Granted, if someone is being a douche to you in the first five seconds they meet you, you could probably tell a lot about their character anyway.  When someone is being nice trying to get to know you and you still don’t get to know, that’s not that person’s fault.  I’m not afraid to approach someone, not afraid to ask a guy out on a date, not afraid to start a friendship. Not afraid to befriend my neighbors.  What I’m afraid of is are people showing their true colors or putting on a front!  There’s nothing wrong with dating/making friends on the Internet, as long as they intend to meet someone in person and/or keep in touch.  I would find it weird if someone’s friends were only online.

I know what they mean.  Hey, it’s really people’s losses because for the ones that did take the time to get to know me and are on my good side, they only have good things to say.

I don’t want to get told all the time that not too many people think like me.  That’s a bad thing, then!  While they do compliment my good conscience they should say more people think like me!  It’s rather sad we live in a world where we constantly have to watch our backs, waiting for a person to turn on you when they’re supposed to be your friend.  I have switched social circles quite a few times until I finally found my group!  I still kept some friends from back in the day who know what it means to be a good friend, but not very many.  It really shouldn’t be like that.  You know what’s sad?  If I ever have a wedding how many people are going to attend that has known me since I was a tot?  Maybe one or two people.

It’s not because people’s interests have changed.  I’ve seen many people say very few people know what it means to be a real friend nowadays anymore and this is entirely true.  There are hardly any “Ride or Die” friends since childhood anymore.  I see people on Facebook often putting quotes up saying, “It’s hard to tell who your enemies are when they’re also your friends” and things like that.

I don’t want to have the mindset that I should keep my circle small.  I want to be able to talk with people who are on the same page as me and not have to worry about them flaking out on me.  Everybody’s got their own lives to live doesn’t mean people have to be a bitch about being busy and not making time for people who are their friends because when they need someone to turn to in the end, people might not be there!

For my readers who are here for my writings, I do appreciate that very much!  Hopefully, for the nosy haters who have been lurking my page, they have found something better to do since they’re obviously not here for my insightful posts and they don’t comprehend my messages.  You say you want someone to stop posting at your stupid forum, why do you keep checking up on someone?  People are weird!  Any “lawyer” who believes these freak shows are being bothered when they are going to someone’s page who couldn’t care less about them is a chump.

Chapter 3: Good VS Evil

Chapter 3: Good VS Evil

In every profession there are outstanding workers and not-so-outstanding workers.  Some lawyers like to take people a run for their money and not even do what they were hired to do.  They take advantage of people’s emotions, and yet still do not defend their clients that they were hired to do even though their clients were innocent.  They just wanted the case to be done and over with to be paid handsomely, or, they drag out the situation to continue to be paid.

Mr. Kibblers was his name, playing dirty was his game.  He’d get his clients charged up and blow up situations more than they really were.  He was getting $200 per hour to literally do nothing.  He deserves his lawyer license to be taken away.  Anyone who is a good lawyer, will go by what’s morally right and have the evidence to show it.  A dirty lawyer creates fake evidence out of nowhere.  His partner in crime, Mr. Stern also deserved his license to be taken away.

Do these lawyers not know anything about good customer service?  If you do a good job you’ll get recommended.  Playing dirty gets you nowhere, but eventually CAUGHT.

Mr. Kibblers would coax his clients to do immoral things that the lawyer knew if found out, they would get fined, but he was good at hiding his dirt.  Dirty Kibblers is his nick name for those close to him who know his secrets.  It was sickening how these duos feed off of people’s vulnerable situations.

My Fanfics

I’m truly amazed that I’ve only written one episode of Season 6 Sliders a long, long time ago and I am constantly getting requests to this day from readers to write more Sliders.  This does mean a lot to me, especially since it was one of my favorite shows ever to run.  I wish I had more time in the day to write my Fanfics.  I’m glad I’m not the only one that’s heard of this show before.  Some people I know have never heard of the show but it’s great to see others have enjoyed it while it aired.  Hopefully I will set some time aside later on to post an episode a day.  Sorry for the delay!  I meant to keep that as an ongoing project, but finally got a breakthrough for writing my first novel so I have been really concentrating on that.

I also saw someone commented to me asking how do I sit down and concentrate on writing when they are distracted every 10 to 15 minutes.  I have to have an idea stuck in my head and just get to it.  I have to turn everything else off and write.  I can’t write if I’m not in the mood to write I can’t force myself to write if I’m not feeling it.  That’s a bad thing to do.

A Funny Observation

I noticed that some people from the bully forum still keep checking up on my page even if they don’t leave comments since they know I obviously won’t approve their dirty lies.  I can’t tell who exactly a visitor is, but it says where they got my link from.  Like what you see?  Why you still checking up on me even though I haven’t posted at your dumb forum?  Oh, how I wish I had the power to call out a dirty forum for what it truly is.  Since I’m outnumbered at that crappy place I don’t bother with it.  I had another interesting conversation the other day with some people, if you see a popular page, is that necessarily a good group to join just because over 100,000+ members are there?  Would people hear what the minority is saying about a page when most people like it?

For me, it depends on a situation.  I do not automatically jump on a band wagon just because most people lean toward that direction.  I observe everything before I make a decision on what particular “side” to choose.  Most times if something is more popular in the minority, it is a good thing, but it can also be said just because there are few in a minority if they have legit reasons to say they don’t like something, their opinions are valid as well.

People post lies whenever they say how great that forum is.  Nope, there’s a moderator that lets people get away with attacking posters. She basically defends the posters that have been there longer even though they have very poor forum etiquette, she lets them get away with it since people are new and those posters have been there for years.

You know what’s another pet peeve of mine?  When people don’t want me posting at a certain site anymore and yet they still check up on my business even after I stop posting there.  If someone pisses me off I’m going to vent about it if I feel the need.  Maybe you shouldn’t have given me something to write about if you didn’t want to be written about in a bad way!  Like some of you haterz stalking my site claim I supposedly did something to other people to make them talk about me, the same could be said for you!

This is what I call a nosy person that doesn’t mind their own business who obviously isn’t here because they like what I write, but because they have nothing better to do than to be nosy.

Good Talks Part I

I have been having some really great conversations with some peeps this past week about a lot of things.  It’s interesting to see people have a mixed definition of what “loyalty” means and what people think is “beauty.”

I asked my former roommates (still great friends even after we are no longer roommates) what they would think if someone was picking on one of them, would they befriend the person picking on their other friend?  They said no they wouldn’t.

Some people have said they wouldn’t get involved in a tiff that had nothing to do with them in the first place and they would let that friend on their own figure it out.  What if it got to be really bad and someone needed a “back up?”

Now some other people are saying it’s demanding to cut ties from someone when that person never wronged you per se.  Even though they never wronged you, but they wronged your other friend, because they never did anything to you some people seem to think it’s still okay to be friends with someone your other friend doesn’t want to be friends with anymore.

I mean why are people friends with each other?  Isn’t it to have each other’s back and be there for each other?  How can someone still be a “friend” to someone else if they’re hanging out with the person who is saying bad things about you?  It would make you think that “friend” is one of them, wouldn’t it?

There’s this trend going around Facebook telling people to post 5 pretty pictures of themselves.  Oh, I just rolled my eyes at that and didn’t participate in the trend.  I’m glad to see some people use five pictures being sentimental with their kids, etc. but I laugh when people post how “hot” they are and stuff to flaunt it.  I know I’m considered attractive by most people, but I don’t like to flaunt it.  I only take decent photos for my writing biography and stuff, sort of like a professional picture.

On a daily basis, I dress like a hobo, lol, because I’m tired of actually all the attention I get when I do dress up (so it’s funny when people say I want attention when I’m really trying to downplay myself.)  I myself don’t want to be famous, I just want my writings to be, not me as a person.

In fact, whenever I used to hang out with one of my friends, he’d always say, “I question some of your outfit choices.  What happened?”

That would always crack me up.

I will dress up for people who stick around to get to know the real me who don’t judge me by my purposely picked out mismatched outfits.  They know I can look really decent when I want to.