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Holding Out

Ever since I could remember, I’ve had a hard time dating people around town that I’ve just given up on people nearby here.  I’ve never been with anyone for more than two and a half months.  I know I’m not that unbearable, for pete’s sake.  For people who don’t have distance as an issue, they sure in the hell cause other problems when they could easily work out issues if they really wanted things to work.  I don’t believe you can know a person in one to two weeks, but if someone wants to think so, really it’s their loss and people could have stayed friends at least if dating didn’t work out.  People keep telling me I should just give up on my Tennessee guy he’s too far away.  I haven’t been able to, especially when most people I am interested in as more than friends in town here won’t talk to me as more than friends or they always have a secret they are hiding from me and they end up being with someone.  I also don’t want to ruin the few good friendships I have here for something that might not work out since I have my Tennessee guy on my mind.  People should be with someone who thinks only about them.

These days, people are lowering their standards but I won’t!  There’s not anything wrong with me.  There’s something wrong with people who would be willing to lower their standards just so they can be with someone.  I’m so over this loneliness here.  I’m so over the fact how my ex-best-friend has sabotaged a lot of my potential relationships and yet she gets a happy, committed, long term relationship when she doesn’t deserve it for treating other people like crap and showing no remorse for it.  All I’ve ever been was loyal, faithful, reliable, hard-working, I pay for my own things, I give people space, I don’t invade their privacy and I guess most people would consider me attractive.  And people time and again chose that wench over me, but it’s not like they ended up dating her and they lost a good friend in the process for pretending like I don’t exist anymore after they met her.  I really don’t have any clue as to what these guys here are looking for.  I’m pretty much nearly every trait a good girlfriend should be.  I’m holding out for my Tennessee guy and I’ve told him how painful it is to live here.  I’ve gotten used to being by myself.  I read and write to take up most of my time so I don’t think about it anymore as much.  At least I don’t have to worry about someone cheating on me and sneaking around on me, I guess.  The fact that nothing is working out in town just says to me more how my long distance “relationship” is the one that I should be focusing on.  Also, the guys here are like intimidated by me being older but guess what?  My Tennessee guy is 20 and I’m 28 he doesn’t care that I’m older than him.  He actually likes that about our relationship.

I know when it happens for me, it will be with the person who I really want who will never betray me the way others have in the past.

Public Shaming

A wise young man once told me, “You should write a–holes in your book.  There are a–holes in the real world so not everyone in the book should be a good person.”  And that’s so true.  I think if people want to be cunning and not remorseful, they deserve to be written about in a horrific way.  Writing rights shouldn’t protect their real names, especially if they did something to someone which greatly affected someone: for example, my ex-best friend.  Sometimes I think it’s pointless to write those bad characters because the people I base them off of don’t think they are that way so they wouldn’t learn anything unfortunately.  I wonder if my ex-best-friend really sees herself and all that she truly did without sugar coating things would she stop lying to herself claiming she’s a “good” person.  I called her a selfish bitch, too, and she didn’t care.  She just said she didn’t want to be friends with me anymore.  It’s not my loss!  It’s not like she was a “Ride or Die” friend anyway.  She makes for an interesting lustful romance story, though.

P.S.  I love how some people from the bad forums lurk my page yet have nothing to say for themselves and their behaviors.  They get mad when I post something they don’t like — maybe they should stop lurking my page since they aren’t actually interested in me as a person to befriend or my writings to be read.  My site is for real readers and friends.  I could base a whole bunch of characters out of those bad lot, especially the ring leader of that forum.  It really makes me mad her site is the only site to fully talk about long distance things and get much feedback when most of those people there aren’t really the types that should be giving advice since they have issues of their own which are far worse than any others I have heard of.

Character Names.

It’s simple.  I suck at giving my characters catchy lingo nick names and names.  I want my characters to have a name like “Sheldon Cooper” or “Eric Forman,” a name that sticks.  Instead I named my love”Travis Ryan Baker” (what kind of a name is that, lol.)  I guess a regular average name.  Sometimes I’ll take the first and/or last names of people I don’t like and name my evil characters with their first or last names (obviously not both since that would be a real name, ha).  Or I’d make up a character with a name from someone I haven’t talked to since childhood or years ago and I have no idea where that person is nowadays.  At first I used my real first and middle name in the short story “A Restless Pursuit,” but then I decided to give my character a different name in my novel.  I don’t always like using my real name for story characters even though one of the main characters is based off of me.  I want to be even more creative.

I can’t even…Lol.

Today at work, this girl came at me out of nowhere saying I shut the door in her face.  This is the first time have ever seen that woman, let alone shut the door in her face.  I don’t recall ever doing that, and if I did, well people have shut the door in my face multiple times but you don’t see me stalking the people that do that to me then trying to start shit with them about it.  I just shrug my shoulders and open the door for myself if they don’t wait for me to walk to the door.  She saw me walking behind her and said, “You know, I’m not going to be like you.  I’ll hold the door open for you.”

I said, “Thanks,” not even knowing why she’s acting like she’s on her period.  Whenever I passed her she would be with someone and always tell that person I was the girl who shut the door in her face.  I roll my eyes and mutter, “Oh my God, get over it, bitch.  And you’re right.  You’re not like me.  You’re not above it.  If you were trying to be better than me you wouldn’t be making a big deal out of nothing.”  She gives me like uncomfortable stares whenever she passes me.  Thank the lord she isn’t someone I have to work with and she’s in another area at work.  I don’t see her at all except for coming and going from breaks.

It’s so unreal how I seriously keep to myself and the department people I work with and yet somehow, some way, someone at work ALWAYS tries to start shit with me.  I’m not gonna let her bother me, though.  I’ll ignore her and if she tries to report me for that, I think they’d fire her instead for being an immature, petty idiot.  This place doesn’t seem petty which is good.

I hope they told her to get over it if she did try to report me.  I didn’t make it this far just for some slick crap to get me down.  I’ve been fired for some dumb crap, I tell you what!  So I wouldn’t put it past her that she’d try to report me for it.


I’m drowning in my fantasies.  I’d rather stay locked in my room all day writing them than live in the real world and find someone I can see face-to-face who I have no desire like this for.  Did I say I ever wanted to leave?  I don’t want to.  Not ever, unless I see The One in person.  People say it’s not healthy to wallow in the black hole but I like being here.  This black hole is different than the other black holes I’ve been in.  The One returned my feelings just the same as I love him, it’s just that there’s so many obstacles between us.  The other black holes were unrequited infatuation.  This black hole is far more real than those other infatuations ever were.  I don’t give those black holes the time of day thoughts any longer.  The thought of marrying someone else makes me vomit.  I’d rather be alone.  They don’t understand me the way he does.  I literally have dreams (more like nightmares) at the alter with someone else and because I couldn’t be with my soul mate, that’s why I died in the dream.  I fainted/passed out, died at the alter because it wasn’t with The One.

The Final Straw

What the hell is with the disrespect with people who still continue to hit on me after I told them I am only interested in one person (which will never be them)?  Like that doesn’t stop them.  It stops for me when someone tells me they’re with someone.  How many times do I have to repeat that for it to sink in? I’m disappointed in some people who I thought were my friends and that they wouldn’t invade my space like that and disrespect me.  They knew I didn’t like the creepy guy texting me on ten different numbers yet they do something similar.  I have been blunt, kind and nice and if people can’t respect that I’m not interested I’m going to have to end the friendships because they seem to try to take advantage talking as friends to try to get to me I have noticed this.  I am sick of some guys continuing to pressure me to be with them after I have said I am pretty much with someone!  It doesn’t matter if it’s not working out or not, I’m holding out.  It’s not like I ever showed any interest as more than friends either to those guys — EVER!  I always kept it platonic on my end and if there were any misread signals I corrected that quickly.

Plus those people are further away than my guy so really there is NO point to talk like that toward me.  It’s been happening with people in town as well.  Whenever someone isn’t interested in me, I always said their loss, bye and moved on, especially if it’s someone in town who can see me easily.  Why on earth would people still continue to try and move in on someone when they have always said they are unavailable?  You should find someone who is head over heals for you just like I am for my guy.  You wouldn’t want to be with someone who isn’t into you at all [only platonic friendship].  This is the final straw.  I think I’ve put up enough with the unwanted advances.  It’s like some people can’t hear what I say it means nothing to them and they only care how they feel.

Served on a Silver Platter!

I often think nothing bad ever happens to the people who screwed me over. They get to move on with life not caring what they did.  However, out of all this revenge that I have nothing to do with, something DID FINALLY happen to some people and they deserved it!  For once I felt justice was served and I was okay with putting that piece of my life behind me.  I used to work in a book factory as my first factory job.  I loved being around books.  We’d get to pick up some books to read at the end of the day.  The pay was crap, the job was far, but still I liked it until a few things happened there.  This happened almost two years ago way before Tennessee boy was ever in the picture.

One of the supervisors, “Jon” and I had flirted.  It was only flirting and that was it.  He’s 23/24-years-old, not an old supervisor, but he’s been at that place for a long time.  I thought he was single with the way he was acting.  Everyone noticed us flirting.  A month later I find out he’s engaged — not from his mouth, either.  After I cornered him to ask him what was going on with me and him, that’s when he finally told me he has a “girlfriend.”  I said to him if he likes me then break up with her, if not, I’m not going to be his little fling on the side.  He had ended up telling the bosses about this instead of handling it like a professional [ironic how his bosses told me I was unprofessional -- obviously they didn't look in the mirror for that].  “Jon’s” a virgin, church going boy but I wonder if his soon-to-be wife at the time would be pleased if she found out he wasn’t telling people he’s with someone as soon as they show signs of interest.  He really is a virgin (not anymore after he got married), but his actions were not that of a pure virgin.

My supervisors still wanted to keep me because I was the top worker, there, but because Dumb Ass reported me to the boss, they fired me.  What did he think was going to happen?  Companies like to cover their tracks.  That’s what Doretta tells me what “Jon” was doing.  It was their loss, not mine.  The company hasn’t had the highest quotas or any top top workers anymore since Doretta and I got laid off.  Ha, those fools thought they could do it without me and my best friend friend.  They can’t even keep people for second shift anymore.  Everyone wants to quit or move to first shift.  Oh, and “Jon” got DEMOTED after a few months because his work wasn’t good anymore.  Bazinga!  Everyone was happy that I had the guts to chew out upper management.  Someone had to do it so it was me.  They were like about time someone said something to their cocky asses.

“They keep people who kiss their asses, and fire them as soon as they don’t anymore,” Doretta says.  She stopped training people because they never gave her a raise.

A day earlier, I had a head injury where I had to get five stitches — had a freak accident on the job so the insurance covered it, I’m never that careless it was a fluke.  It was fierce.  I never missed a day of work and still worked my ass off like I didn’t have stitches in my head.  And they STILL fired me for basically a guy having a crush on me.  What I don’t get about this place is I never slept with or touched the man.  They still kept people who actually slept with each other and started a fight at work, yet fired me for basically nothing.  It’s like a student having a crush on another student and they have to see each other in the same class room. Is someone going to get suspended for having a crush?

All he had to do the first day this flirting started was tell me, “I’m with someone” and I could have still been at that job.  Honestly, I don’t know why I liked “Jon.”  “Jon” was 6’2 (I don’t want to date a tall guy.  I want someone around my height).  He was sort of cute, but nerdy as hell.  People thought he was GAY and asked how was I ever attracted to him?  I sometimes question that, too.  He’s totally not my type at all.  I think that I was trying to find a reason to get fired.  There’s not many things good about that book factory at all and had I got hired in, I would have basically settled and stayed at that low pay job forever.  They never gave raises even though Doretta and I did the most work out of everyone we all got the same pay.  The only thing good about that place is that it hired people in and they had a 401 (k) insurance plan.

This was a blessing.  At the time, I couldn’t find any other jobs.  I tried to get back in.  After telling Doretta to send them a note from me, she tried to talk to the one supervisor “A.”  He knows I had good work ethics (despite that fluke crush).  He tried to get me back in but the bosses said no.

I marched myself to that company and chewed their asses out.  The upper management had the nerve to ask Doretta was there anything wrong with me, did I need to go to the Madison Center?  When stupid people want to ask a stupid question, they’ll get an answer they won’t like.


If this is true, Justin Timberlake


I always used to look up to Justin.  Hearing that he may have possibly cheated will lose all my respect I had for him if it is in fact true.  It hit him pretty hard when Britney cheated on him so I don’t know why he would even think to do that to Jessica Biel?  Whoever that woman was who was with Justin at the club all know he is married and yet they still look cozy.  I have a distaste for people who still knowingly go after someone that is extremely unavailable.

Remembering my friend Mandy

When it comes to relationships, I swear some people have absolute no consideration for others.  Mandy was a housewife who raised two beautiful children.  When her bastard ex left her for her so-called ex best friend Rebecca (I don’t feel bad using the bitch’s real name since she didn’t feel bad for what she did to Mandy), Mandy’s life was never the same again and she couldn’t bounce back.  Mandy would tell me how she helped Rebecca go to school and cried on Rebecca’s shoulder about her ex.  Then the bitch goes and stabs Mandy behind her back and dates her babies’ father.  I wonder how they’re doing now.  Are those two still together are they thinking now that my friend is gone they have no guilt for what they are doing and can live their “happy” lives?  I’m going to write a story dedicated to my friend Mandy and all the women and men who got screwed over by someone who couldn’t care less what they did at all.  Karma will come back to get them!  People say I should leave my friend’s ex alone to not bother him because he has two kids to raise and they still need their father.

He should have thought about that before he left my friend that way.  Oh, don’t worry.  I’m not going to do anything to him.  He isn’t worth it.  I’m just going to write their story and how it really happened. They kept trying to say Mandy was a bad person.  I think she had some sort of mental disability.  That’s what people don’t understand.  She couldn’t control herself.  When the state wouldn’t approve her to become on disability it was hard for her to find a job.

Mandy kept telling me, “How could she do this to me?  She knew my ex and I were having problems and then she goes and does that.  She’s a scandalous whore.  She also dated someone else’s father the kids from school.”

More importantly, knowing that my friend was a house wife and didn’t have the means to survive and take care of the kids on her own, why would her ex leave her like that?  I’ve seen Mandy in all her moods so I knew how she can be but at the end of the day I didn’t abandon her so the people who left her to rot using Mandy’s attitude as an excuse can suck it.  She had borrowed some of my money, too and I knew how hard it was for her to pay me back but she did pay me back some of my money despite her situation.  That’s more than I can say for other so-called friends, cough *Tara* who owns her own house yet asked me for $400 while I was still living at home with my parents.

Real friends don’t abandon people.  Sometimes I would take breaks from talking to her so she could cool down because she can be a bit much to handle at times, but I still came back to be her friend.

Doretta also has a sister who was in a similar situation where the husband and kids took all her money.  Doretta’s sister just sits in her house, becomes fat and depressed.  Doretta said she would never take me over there to see how her sister is it was so depressing.  The husband ran off with Doretta’s sister’s money to spend on the other women.  How can that man live with himself and call himself a “man” and a “father?”

Why are people such douche bags?

My Therapy

I seriously question myself every day with all the shit that people put me through and how much they screw me over with no remorse, you’d think I’d be on all sorts of antidepressants to put up with this shit.  Nope!  I’m levelheaded throwing away one meaningless lemon at a time on no pills and I drink no alcohol whatsoever.  I’m just doing me, doing what I have to do to survive.  Then I remember, I do write full time when I’m not working and I think writing therapy really works when I do it full time.  There’s no point to ruin my life any further to seek physical harming revenge on my enemies.  I just take my anger out in my writings and reveal them for what they are worth: nothing.

The real kicker is finally finding someone who loves me as much as I love him but he won’t do anything about our love.  I keep telling him true love is hard to find and is he going to throw that away just because he thinks we’re too far from each other right now?  I ask him didn’t he like being in so much bliss when we first started talking?  Why does he want us to be this way where we are now, miserable?  I know he has work and school.  I KNOW that.  I want him to do well I do!  At the same time, don’t people usually do well when they get something they really, really, want, too?

I think, with us being “separated” this has also helped my writing improve longing for him.  I just wish it didn’t take writing a freaking 75,000 word a book for him to realize what we have.  The things I do for the love of my life!


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